Seriously, I think you need help! Not least because you think he looks so good without a shirt on!

I would check in at an appropriate clinic if I were you.

A year or two later after I’d shaken a few similar petty crime charges, I bumped into Serge at a small bar in our home town. He didn’t see me across the room so I managed to tip-toe behind him and slip a large-ish serving of rufilin in his cider. Once I’d gotten him home (which, with his seven foot frame, was rather difficult) and zip-tied his arms and ankles to a chair I took off his clothes (perhaps not a necessary action but he looks so good without a shirt on). I continued to hypnotise Serge with my pendulous rattlesnake (a technique I learned while studying under Ping Mao Fung in the Himalayas) until he was primed and ready to partake once more in my friendship. Unfortunately, during this session I had the hit-movie ‘Inferno’ on in the background which, unbeknownst to me at the time, gave Serge a thirst for arson. Since then we have enjoyed many fruitful years of friendship with the only slight hinderance being that I’ve had to fireproof all of my belongings and keep him away from flint.