I thought some of my regular readers would like to know – I caved in.
We had spent some days emailing each other and, in the end, actually sat down to talk. At the end of that, though I had got no real assurances except V’s word, I agreed to do it.
So, this morning it was (almost) done. There is a chance it won’t work out but at least I have tried. The only thing that may stop it is the fact that I do not have a Carta d’Identita. And, I don’t want one.
Last night I learnt that V’s weekend away was, so he says, a type of retreat. However, he was strangely quiet even though we were out to dinner at a friend’s house. Overall, there was an air of sadness. But he’s a good actor and I’m not entirely convinced.
When we were on our own, at the table, for a moment, he told me that he loved me.
I have two possible reactions to this: a) to take him in my arms and say that everything will be alright or b) to be a little snipey after all that he has put me through in the last four months.
Of course, there would also be the ‘be nice but be firm and stick to your resolve’ reaction, which would have been the correct one and for which one would earn £200 after passing GO!
I chose reaction b). Well, to be honest, I didn’t choose it, it just came out of my mouth and, even as I was saying it I SO wanted to go for reaction a).
The problem is that I then beat myself up about it and think that I am driving the wedge even deeper. Or not? I don’t know. The problem is that, to realise after all this time that, really, he should have not done the things that he did, is not, exactly, late but, well, you can’t expect things to just snap back into place because of the words ‘I love you’, can you?
It certainly is a long and winding road.
It’s your life. Live it.
A long and winding road, indeed. Andy, what is the question? I ask cautiously and respectfully. And, because I am a romantic I like option ‘A’.
Love Gail
peace…..
I’m trying, Cecilieaux, I’m trying.
Gail – I’m afraid I can’t tell you right now but, hopefully, will be able to soon. And I know what you mean about option ‘A’.
It’s natural to think to option “A”, you are the one that was forced to accept the situation. But for this reason, there is the little part of you that really cares about you that drives you to “B”. But that is only a little part. It’s not like a switch, you cannot stop in a moment to love someone and change everything. This is why it is so hard, sometimes a switch would be really useful.
Yes, wouldn’t a switch be good!
Seen from outside, option A would be better from many points of view. But, you said it yourself, you didn’t choose, you just had to go on B. Problem in fact being love matters are so complicated one cannot always master oneself, or do the right thing (in case A is right), or be rational etc. Love is paradise, but is also ‘un gran casino’, hope you understand it right.
Yes, I understand it perfectly. Un gran casino indeed!
Sì, un gran casino, ma cosa sarebbe la vita senza questo casino. Comunque conosco persone che hanno scelto di non amare per paura di soffrire.
Ma, un persone chi hanno scelto di non amare, non è viva una vita! In my opinion, of course.
People who’ve chosen to not love for fear of suffering … didn’t you say that you came here in Italy to find passion but realised you were a die-hard apathetic Englishman?
Of course I’m just teasing.
And yes, lots of philosophies taught that ‘apatheia’ and indifference to passions are a good way of living since they solve the problem of pain. Even Buddha.
But I prefer other ways. And the apathetic Englishman is only a myth. And I’m glad that the British queen scolded Berlusconi because he was too noisy.
I guess I am a die-hard apathetic Englishman after all
I’m afraid that without the pain of passion (or at least some sort of strong love) you can never really appreciate the other extreme and, therefore, never enjoy the beauty and ecstasy of it!
It was quite funny when the Queen scolded Berlusconi, I agree.