I don’t want you to get the wrong idea. The last few posts have been quite upbeat. The reality, though, in my head, is quite different.
I am, to be frank, scared shitless. I move on Wednesday. The movers are booked. The gas and Electric and Telephone have all been sorted (although we are in Italy so it doesn’t actually mean that it will all happen without any hitches). But none of this matters.
V has been extraordinarily nice recently. And yet, as I write, he has nowhere to move to and has made no alternative plans. And, in spite of the niceness, I am pretty sure the lies continue. I’m not sure he will actually really believe this is happening until I move out. It should have been him moving first.
I am waiting for something – but I have no idea what. Something that he is going to say or do, at the last moment. Now, with everything arranged, it does not and cannot change anything. And, perhaps, that is what scares me so much. There is a finality to it all.
I remain polite and try to be friendly. I succeed most of the time. The Final Question was asked and agreed to but it became harder to achieve – but not because I didn’t try. However, it almost seem irrelevant now.
This weekend will be packing, for certain. There are many things where it has not been decided who has what. This must be resolved – and this weekend.
I am also very sad. It hit me, again, whilst I was away. For the first time since I can remember, I had no one to phone/text. Little things, I know but, overriding all that was that no one was waiting for me to come home. It will only be the dogs that keep me sane.
Hi Andy-
Oh my……..this is all quite sad, sad indeed. That line you wrote – “no one was waiting for me to come home”, – brought me to tears.
My sister, who just lost her husband, says things like that, “no-one to call”, no-one waiting”, and it breaks my heart – sometimes the finality is harder when the person is still on this earth – oh it is all awful, and I hurt with and for you.
Love Gail
peace……
Hi Gail,
Thanks for the words. Obviously my situation is nowhere near as bad as that of your sister. After all, there is some hope, however, faint, that this may be temporary. In any event, I shall get over it. It’s just that I wasn’t quite ready for it (but then, neither was your sister and her pain is much greater).
Thanks anyway
That’s how breaking up my marriage felt. Breakups are hard — but necessary sometimes (I didn’t think so, at the time, either). Hang in there. Dogs are good, but don’t try to replace a lover. Do things. I found reading nearly impossible. I was reading a book on the battle of Stalingrad when it happened and I read it for exactly a year. Movies are good. Television. Blogging.
Blog about how the economic crisis is affecting Italy (or not). I gravitate toward political economy, but stick to what floats your boat.
This is also a great time to get into redesigning your site (perhaps renaming it?).
Is there a support group in your area, if not start one: Expats Missing Exes. Put a notice in the bulletin boards of places you frequent and set a time and place for the first meeting, see what happens.
You want to curl up in bed and do nothing else. That’ll only hurt more. The hurt won’t go away anyway for quite a while.
OK, I’m out of ideas. I know ideas aren’t most of what you feel you need. I empathize, too. Hang in there.
Thanks, Cecileaux. You’re right, of course, with all of it, especially the curling up and doing nothing. Maybe luckily, that won’t be an option, since there’s going to be people staying within the first few weeks and much to do – but I know, from the past, that I really only want to lock the door and never step foot outside again. I am forcing myself not to be like that and it will be hard sometimes, I guess.
Thanks for the empathy. Probably, most people go through something like this at some time so it’s not exactly new – but it still hurts when it’s you!