Let’s be honest, I do swear. In fact, following in my father’s footsteps, I swear a lot. But, not in front of certain people. I don’t know why. I feel I have a sixth sense about it.

However, in this post I am likely to swear and, therefore, from this point on, you will have to specifically request to read more.

It’s almost impossible to describe how I feel right now. I am so fucking scared and for what reason? OK, there are some things that keep going through my mind but, in reality, nothing is insurmountable – I know that. It doesn’t stop the overwhelming feeling of being caught in something that I cannot escape and that will only end badly (although, in most cases, nothing of the sort has happened).

I sorted through the books. I have sorted through the CDs. I have yet to do the DVDs as these are harder since we both like the same films, more or less. I have to keep stopping.

And I can’t get over the lies that continue. I wonder if he lies to himself as well? I’m not sure what he thinks he is protecting any more, since with every lie (or absence of truth) a little more dies. I want to scream at the top of my voice – “PLEASE STOP THINKING I’M STUPID” and “PLEASE JUST TELL ME THE TRUTH OR, AT LEAST, DON’T LIE”.

I keep waking up so fucking early. This morning was about 6 and now, at half ten, I feel so bloody tired. I want all this to just go away. It feels like I am falling apart, piece by piece. Nothing was fucking real! I can’t explain for, although I have admitted these things to myself, I cannot write them down right now, if ever.

So, yesterday, he made out that he was with a work colleague. Except he wasn’t. Why bother to give me the crap? It would have been better to say nothing at all rather than pretend he was doing something he wasn’t. Grrrr. It just makes me so angry.

In the meantime, I wish I could transport myself and my stuff to the new flat by transporter – like in Star Trek. That would be perfect. But that doesn’t happen. And I’ll have the nosey bitch from downstairs questioning it all. For fuck’s sake.

As I’ve said before – Life’s a bitch ….. and then you die!

p.s. And then, after all that there wasn’t so much fucking swearing after all!