“I’ve got €7 to last me until pay day.”
I am, due to the impending move, being very careful. It doesn’t mean I can’t go out; buy cigarettes; buy stuff I need, but I am just being watchful knowing that, although I have another pay-check to come before I move and yet another before I have to pay the first rent, I will need cash for the movers (I cannot do it on my own); pay the deposit; and, almost certainly, buy stuff where we only had ‘one’ of something (for example, a table to eat off – although I have plans to make that not such a ‘big’ expenditure).
And I would understand if [of V] it were just the one month because, for instance, paying a deposit or having to pay car insurance or something. But this has been all three months of this year, so far.
But, considering we are only half-way to pay day, I am taken aback.
Of course, it’s no longer my responsibility, in any way, but I want to ask things like “What have you spent it all on?” but, then, I think I know some of the answers to that already. A party at which few of the friends attended because the invites were only made the day before or, even, that day; a new tattoo (I think but this is pure guess on my part); going out with colleagues.
What will happen when the rent becomes due every month (and the flat he chose was, in my view, too expensive, even for me!) and the bills, every two months? And, I know too, that there will borrowing ahead of the salary; borrowing to stay afloat meaning that the following month there will be less available; and so on and so on. A spiral of debt leading, almost inevitably, to a disaster. Oh, I hope not but I just know.
And, even if it is not my responsibility, I still feel responsible. How crazy is that? Worse, if I had the money, almost certainly, I would be offering (yes, you read rightly – offering) to help! But it would be help for ever.
This is what it must be like when you have kids who go out into the world but never really cut the apron strings.
In any event, over the next two weeks, I shall be buying the coffee, the milk, the wine, the food – in addition to my own expenses.
I don’t mind and I do mind – all at the same time. I can’t NOT do it. I wish I could. Does it make me stupid? Some kind of fool? Yes, I guess so. But I am unable to do anything else.
And, when we are in separate flats, what then? Will I be tapped for a few Euro here, a free meal there, coffee at my house because he doesn’t have any? Or worse, “Can you just lend me a few hundred to pay the electric bill; the rent; the loan?”.
And the answer will almost certainly be ‘yes’, even if it means postponing certain purchases I want. There’s just no planning; no thought of anything other than the “now”.
I can’t live like that and yet, through him, I still do!
Dump him/her (not clear on genders of V or Andy, but that’s a whole other story). This is not love. This is abuse, enabling, sadomasochism (you’re the M, if you have any doubt). I feel for you. But let him/her go.
Hi Andy-
Ya, doing it alone is difficult. I know. I did it with three kids.
I always get warm and fuzzy when I read about how even though it is over it is still connected -with you and with ‘V’.
I would purposely fall short just to see if he would say “yes”. Not that I am suggesting this is true of you. k?
And Andy – your comment on my blog disappeared. I was SO happy to have you visit and comment I did something that made it go away. Please re-write it, puh-lease!!
Love from across the pond
Gail
peace….
Hi Cecilieaux,
Yes, I suppose it is a form of abuse. The real problem is that he doesn’t see what he does. He just doesn’t ‘get it’. And, therefore, it’s my fault that I have continued to let it happen over all these years.
Hi Gail,
Thanks for the comment.
I’ll have a go at re-writing the comment – if I can even remember what I wrote!
WOw-
I never thought of any of your experiences shared as abusive. Did I miss something? Huh.
Love Gail
dazed and confused across the pond
Well, if not exactly abuse then using. I’ve never thought of it that way either. But I can see how it could be classed as a form of abuse. Not in a violent sense, fo course, and not in any way does it come close to your ‘experiences’ so I can see why you would be both dazed and confused!
I obviously don’t know either of you, but what you described sounds as him perpetrating abuse (knowingly or not) on you, and you presenting yourself as a doormat. Tell him there are banks, there’s the dole and if that fails there are crates somewhere to live in. It sounds harsh but he has to learn that he can’t keep demanding you aid and abet his utter irresponsibility at your monetary and emotional expense. And you need to hear yourself respect yourself. Good luck, will keep fingers crossed — and please meet in public places to discuss this. Let folks know how this goes — here or by e-mail. We’re rooting for you!
I understand what you’re saying but, for most of the 20 odd years we’ve been together, it hasn’t been like this. And, for the last few years I have controlled all the finances but letting my guard slip one day was the ‘once too often’ for me. And now there’s no one to stop him. However, the light may, finally, be dawning. We’ll see.
Thanks for the rooting – much appreciated.