The alarm goes off. The door to the bedroom has been left open. I get up, dress and go to greet the dogs. There is no need to be quiet although I like the sound of the silence that surrounds us, even if the dogs are making noise with their excitement, knowing the walk is due.
The half-coffee goes on. It’s only for one. The door is locked as we go for a walk. After the walk I finish the coffee, heat the milk and, using the ‘frother’ make my mug of cappuccino.
The dogs are quiet now although they are most interested in the smell of the new food that I have put out but have high on the units, out of reach, until I leave. Dino is more interested than Rufus.
I finish my coffee and go for a shower. The doors are open. Dino likes to lie, half in and half out of the bathroom whilst I make my morning ablutions. He isn’t able to do this all that often now, as the doors are, usually, closed. He watches me clean my teeth, shave, have a shower. He watches me often, at any time I am there.
I speak to them during all this for, otherwise, I would not say a word. In fact, it would be over two hours after I get up that I would actually say a word to another human being. And, on the weekend, probably much longer.
I like being on my own; I hate being alone. I like being with friends; I hate being alone but with friends. I do not have the strength for this, not for a prolonged period, anyway. I am not good alone even if I am good on my own.
I am grateful that, now that Rufus is too old and prefers to sleep or, at least, lie down, Dino is there to be petted and stroked and demand attention for, at least, that is some contact with a warm body with some intelligence, even if he cannot talk or put his arms around me and tell me that everything will be alright (even if that is a lie or some statement made and then forgotten in a moment).
And, so, this is how it will be. Even if this is for a few days only, this is how it will be, soon, and for the rest of my life.
I really don’t think I have the strength for this. I never did have the strength for this. This is NOT what life is about or, if it is, then life is, really, not worth it.
Tough post, Andy.
I don’t think life is not worth it if you don’t share it with someone. Or better, I wouldn’t state life is not worth if you don’t live with a friend or a partner. I have never lived with my boyfriend and I have I have a very different perspective compared to yours.
Perhaps being alone for a period of time will bring you happiness even if you think you don’t have the strength for this now.
Besides, as you mentioned, dogs could be extremely helpful.
I know. The post didn’t start its life like that, it just seemed to end up there, somehow. When I read it again it seems far too dramatic!
However, my past history says so much and, I think, I know myself so well. Since I was a teenager, there have not been many periods (and, certainly, not long ones) where I have been on my own. I really am not good at it, unfortunately.
Still, one must try and try a bit harder this time.
Hi Andy –
Nothing is forever……………this alone time is temporary. It has a purpose along your journey – the gifts of which are yet to be received. Stay open to the possibilities that will present and unravel over time.
Love, Gail
with true understanding.
Hi Gail,
Absolutely, nothing is forever. I shall try to stay open without rushing headlong into something I should not, and there’s the rub……
Thanks for the understanding.
I speak with my cats and my dog. That’s also why I like the comic “Get Fuzzy” and I read it online. One of my cat follow me in the bathroom, in my room, everywhere in the morning or when I come back in the evening. The other one wants always attention, and that is very good. He wants to stay with people, and he does not care if it is summer, winter, if you want to read the newspaper (he has to read it first) or you want to write at the pc. The dog is happy when he sees me, always ready to play with a destroyed football. They succeed to calm me, without demanding.
As you, I can stay on my own, but I prefer to be with someone else. Since the period is bad, at least I have them!
Yep. Understand that all, Pietro.