It may be that, although I am writing this, it is too ‘disturbing’ to post. We shall see. If I post it, I shall leave this bit in and warn you that you may choose not to read it, which is fine by me. At least you will understand that I was, in some way, reluctant to post it but feel that it should be posted.

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I don’t think about inside. I mean, I purposely try NOT to think about inside.

Even as I do it, I think “This has got to be one of the fucking weirdest moments of my life”, for this is not normal. No, by any way of thinking, it is far from normal.

He was late. He is covering for someone else at the moment and so he can arrive at any time – but usually late. He plays some games on the computer, whilst I shower and then go to bed. I turn the television on, partly because he will wake me if he comes in and turns it on and partly so he has some light by which to find the bed.

At one point, after some sleep, I wake. It is nearly 1 a.m. He is still at the computer. Even if he IS taking the day off work (some men are coming to do some work in his flat), I think he is crazy for staying up so late. He will have less than 6 hours sleep since, even if he is coming to bed now, he spends time with Dino and watching the telly before sleeping.

After having something to drink, I go back to bed, hoping to be asleep before he comes to bed. In this I fail. In fact, whilst not exactly wide awake, I am far too awake. And then there will be the playing with Dino.

And, after the event, perhaps it is all too strange and that is why it takes me longer to go to sleep.

I lie there wondering what on earth was going on in his mind.

As time has passed, I wonder more and am unsure if this is at all healthy. I wonder why I agreed to do it – but, of course, I know that. It is because I love him and it was easier than saying no, especially at gone 1 in the middle of the night. After all, there’s no real harm in it, is there? is there?

I keep telling myself that this is just a thing. And I know that it was important for him. But this is the first night and, I kind of hope, the last. This shouldn’t be a ritual. In fact, this shouldn’t have even happened once!

So, he is coming to bed. He arrives at my side of the bed and asks me for a kiss. Not for him but for the box. I’m sure that if I had been fully, properly awake and in control of my mind, I would have rejected the idea. In fact, my eyes were closed when he made the question. But it wasn’t a question really but rather a demand. I turned and opened my eyes and closed my mind and did it quickly.

He took it back to the lounge and persuaded Dino to lick it.

Then he came to bed. He talked to Dino about how Rufus was in heaven and was a bambino again (in Italian, of course).

I don’t know what else to say. Now it seems even stranger than it did then. And, as such, I am lost for further words (to say or write).