V asks me if I am well ‘or at least, better than me, which is no great feat, to be honest’.

We haven’t spoken or emailed for almost a week, now. Having left the flat (though there is still some finishing off to do), there has been no real need and also, me; because it would feel far too needy and him because of (my imagined) him having a good time.

And so am I to believe what he wrote?

I know him so well. I know that, even if he were to be having a good time, he would tell me how dreadful it was. Conversely, if he were having a terrible time, he would tell me how good everything was going. Or, maybe, I’ve got that the wrong way round? And, how would I know?

So here I am, in this limbo world not knowing the truth and in a position where I will never know the truth and, therefore, I can never trust anything he says even if it were to be the truth.

Of course, I must reply. I shall say I am sorry that he is not having such a good time and that I’m sure it will improve. I will say that, in spite of part of me hoping that it won’t, the same part that is glad that he’s suffering and still, even though I know I should not, hoping that, eventually he will realise what he has lost. The same part that is wanting his suffering to be worse than mine because then it’s ‘all right’. God forbid that my suffering should be worse than his.

Even if there would be no suffering on either side, this part of me hopes that my ‘not suffering’ will still be better than his ‘not suffering’. Is this the competition thing or just jealousy?

And to think, recently, over the last two days, I had convinced myself (nearly) that he was already living with someone else; someone who could fulfil his every need in a way that I cannot, right now.  I had prepared myself for the inevitable.  Maybe it’s not happened?  In a strange way, that’s almost worse.

Of course, I could have emailed over the last few days and had thought to but, again, I don’t want to seem too needy or, in fact, needy at all – even though the reality is that I am needy, needy of him for his life, his vitality and his undying love….and that’s where it all starts to fall apart again, crumbling into ashes before my eyes.

I am needy for something that I believed was but that is not and may not have been for some time, if ever. So, I am needy for nothing possible.