I keep meaning to have this serious conversation.  But it would be better in bed.  It would be better when I am holding him, loving him, looking into his eyes, so that he can see that I am ‘true’.

And then, when I am not with him, I think about how I can talk about it.  How I can start it.  It’s not easy.

“I want to have a serious conversation about x”.  That seems easy but far too direct.  I need to be more subtle, I know.  But, as V reminded me the other day, I’m not always so good at being subtle.

Of course, there is more than one of these conversations to have.  And there will be more to come, I guess.  I am procrastinating for sure but also because I don’t want to spoil the mood.  When I’m with him, we kiss (often), cuddle (often) and generally just like to touch each other.  I don’t want something I say to make him pull away.

As I’ve said before, as if, by touching we can get closer still, as if the closeness that we feel is not enough, as if it might go away if we do not touch.

He made dinner.  He doesn’t cook often, he says.  It was lovely, of course.  It would have been lovely whatever it was.  We drank wine.  We talked about his ex and what used to happen and about how, now we are older, we are both more set in our ways but how it will be important to ‘close one’s eyes’ or compromise.  We aren’t stupid.  It’s like a ‘grown-up’ relationship and I like that.

He wanted me to get up at the normal time I do as I had told him that I was getting up later when I stayed with him.

“But it’s OK”, I said, “I can get in later”.

“Yes, but I don’t want you to finish late” he said.

I wonder if that’s because the time I get home, if I go in early, suits the timing for him too.  I smile at that, pretty sure that it’s partly selfish on his part that I get up earlier.

Still, let’s not run, shall we?

“I’ll cook Christmas Dinner”, he says during our conversation.  I’m finding it difficult to react in the right way.  I’m staying impassive.  It’s not a good thing either but I’m frightened of scaring him, wanting everything.  It’s another of those ‘serious conversations’ that we must have.

Later still I say the three words again.  I don’t think he’s so scared by them now.  I’m still here, the next day – unlike the last time they were said to him.  I understand why he’s scared.  He doesn’t trust me yet.  He doesn’t know me, of course.

But, there’s just so much to explain!