There’s not really enough time to smoke a whole cigarette.  That’s nice, really.

As I walk back, I look at the buildings since this is a ‘new’ walk, even if I have done it several times before.  There is the house (small block of flats) which is amazingly ugly, right on the corner.  Someone on the second floor has put in new shutters.  They are bright green against the incredibly ugly grey/brown of the building itself.  These shutters are half closed or fully closed depending on the window.  Further on, beyond the traffic lights, Via Modena stretches on, beyond GS (which have now all been officially changed to Carrefour anyway, just this last week) with, from the corner of Via Dei Mille, some beautiful buildings.  And yet, this ugly, three-storey building stands there like it wants to prove a point.  What point though?  And what made someone decide that this concrete square blob could, in any way, ever look nice?

I turn the corner and continue to walk back.  I didn’t sleep well.  Maybe it was the deafening sound of the complete silence in the flat.  I had strained to hear the sound of anything.  Of the trams that are less than a cigarette-smoke away, of the buses, the cars, even birds (this morning).  There was nothing, except, maybe, occasionally, the sound of a car……..maybe.

And it was dark.  I mean pitch black.  No light.  And, whereas I used to like that a lot, I found that I couldn’t see him and I wanted to.

The new duvet was incredibly light and very warm.  But, when he got up this morning, to go to work, it all felt so cold.  It was so weird.  I found myself, all night having to have some part or all of my body outside the duvet but this morning, as soon as he got out, snuggling under it to keep warm.

And, although I should have gone back to sleep, I found I could not and so, about half an hour after he left, I got up anyway.

I stayed a little bit, playing on the computer and had three cigarettes.  Again, I noticed that the flat seemed to fill with smoke so easily and this is not a good sign.  Again, I opened all the windows and let the air flow through to disperse the smoke and I hope it’s OK for when he goes home tonight.

For tonight he will go home.  And put more things tidy, etc.  And go to bed very late, I think.  And so we shall sleep apart, I expect.

And, so, as I walked home this morning, being grateful that we were closer, at least, it was tinged with a little sadness.  For now we are three again and I quite liked being four.