First, there was Mine Vaganti (Loose Cannons is the English title but the direct translation, apparently, is Wandering mines (as in sea mines used in war)). Then there was some famous latin-pop singer. It seems there’s a lot of it about!
Then there are the discussions about it. First the Italians talking about the film. The reaction, in general, is that it is a ‘nice’ film although, if the Italians talking about it had three children and the two male children were both gay, I’m really not sure how that would really go down.
And then there are the discussions about the famous latin-pop star. They basically fall into two categories. There is the ‘who cares – his music was crap’ to the ‘who cares in 2010′ and then there is the ‘what a surprise (not)’ to the ‘oh look, he has a biography to promote’.
Being gay has never been so ordinary nor so popular! I guess I must also be a very fortunate homosexual too, then? Actually, not really. I’m a very fortunate guy, certainly. But being gay has absolutely nothing to do with it
But I do get a little disheartened by it all. So let’s get some things straight (so to speak).
Being gay – maybe it shouldn’t make a difference and, in many ways it doesn’t but in some ways it really does make a difference and it does mean that you have to consider every action, every word spoken, etc.
I regularly (here) see couples embracing. In fact, for me, being British, it can be downright embarrassing on the basis that they seem only a small step from having full public sex! But, imagine walking down the street and seeing two men or two boys doing the same thing. It’s OK, or not? I’m thinking that, however open-minded you may be, it may not be completely OK. Even I would be more embarrassed than I already am!
The coming out. There’s no right time. Of course, there should be no need to ‘come out’ at all, you may say. But, especially if you’re straight-acting, the automatic assumption is that you’re straight. So, women may make passes at you; colleagues at work will talk about a beautiful women in the context of you being interested, etc. I have no problem with women making passes at me. It is, after all, very flattering. However, I do feel that it would be unfair if I let them continue when there’s no chance of it going any further, don’t you? And, so, there IS a need to come out, unfortunately. And although it’s not necessary, strictly speaking, I do really get fed up with people make lewd comments to me about females and expecting me to react in a ‘blokish’ way and, so, would love to ‘come out’ to them. I noticed that, with people who know, there are no comments about women in that way – at least not in my company.
The Family. OK so this is, probably, the hardest of them all. It doesn’t really matter how difficult it is or isn’t to come out to your friends or in the workplace – but coming out to your family is an entirely different thing. The problem here is that, however, relaxed and open-minded they may all seem (and for certain mine weren’t so I knew what the reaction would be before it ever happened), it’s an entirely different ball-game when it’s your son/brother/cousin/father/uncle etc. Even then most open of people can, deep down, harbour those prejudices that we are ‘taught’ when young. And, of course, it’s worse when it’s one of ‘your own’.
I mean, how can you face the outside world? What explaining you’ll have to do!
And, just in case you think that, just because I write all this here I am one of those people who are ‘out’ well, yes, to some degree. But not everyone knows at work and, having gone through all the crap between the ages of 18 and 25, I just can’t be bothered to go through it all again – except I find myself having to do so here, in this country where the film Mine Vaganti rings true as it would have done in the UK about 20-odd years ago!
So, although everyone ‘knew’ about Ricky, and although I don’t have any particular feeling about him (gay or not), I can feel the slightest bit sorry for him. Whether he did it now or later; whether it was for the book, to boost his flagging career or none of those (the timing would always be wrong for some people); whatever the reason, we shall never really know the reasons why he kept it secret for so long (what pressures he was under to ‘keep it all under wraps) or why he decided to come out now (maybe writing the book and seeing how his life to date was built on lies). At least he has come out and now we can get on with loving or hating his music and he can get on with his life.
Hi Andy
excellent post. I SO appreciate your insight.
Love you
Gail
peace…..
Thanks Gail
Ciao,
I did enjoy Mine Vaganti but I’m perhaps a bit bias as I LOVE the director.
Ricky… I’m sorry too, not for him but for all the women who would have died to spend a night with him
(i.e. Lola)
The coming out is very difficult. A close friend of mine who is gay had troubles both with his “very catholic” family and his friends. He had to move to a big city to feel more free to be who he is.
I don’t think the country makes a big difference though. Being gay or lesbian is still a taboo, it doesn’t matter if one lives in the USA or in Greece. Ozpetek portrayed the South as a “close” society which is partly true BUT I’m not sure that in Milan or Venice people are so open minded.
I don’t really get why people should be interested in sexual lives of their family members, friends and so forth. I don’t really care about it as long as my friend, cousin, colleague is happy. As I don’t care, I don’t quite understand the coming out. I’ve never claimed that “I am heterosexual” because I don’t have to! Why do you HAVE to explain your sexual preferences?
The point is that one does not have to. Even if it’s difficult and sometimes it’s really challeging to deal with all the pressure.
Ciao Lola,
OK, I feel the need to respond to this one but in reverse order.
You are right. One does not have to come out at all. However, take yesterday as an example and one conversation I had with a colleague. We were talking about our private lives (not in great detail, just about normal things) but it became difficult for me to continue. I had a choice – stop the conversation or continue but either to lie and say ‘she’ when I meant ‘he’ or to tell my colleague that my partner was a man. I chose the last one because I don’t like to lie. Nor do I consider that I should have to curtail ‘normal’ conversation and not be able to speak about, for example, what ‘we’ did at a weekend.
You don’t have to and yet, you do. If you talk to friends or colleagues you can use ‘he’ and everyone accepts that as perfectly OK. You can use his name and no one would be surprised or shocked or disgusted or anything like that. But every time you use his name or use Lui instead of Lei when talking about him, you are, in fact, declaring to your listeners that you are heterosexual! And yet you are not saying anything about what you ‘get up to’ in the bedroom. But, then neither am I.
With regard to the country – you are, somewhat, right. However, having moved from the UK to Milan, I was more than surprised by how, comparatively, it was like travelling back in time. And here, in Milan, where there are quite a lot of gay people! And, so, you are right, Milan people are not so open minded but, maybe because many gay Italians come here (or to Rome or Venice), there is more acceptance, probably. I add ‘probably’ because, obviously, I haven’t lived anywhere else in Italy so it’s only what I have been told.
But you are both right and wrong about the fact that being lesbian or gay is still taboo in all countries in the same way. Sure, there are closed-minded people everywhere but, in general, in the UK (and, probably, the USA) there are less – or, rather, since many acts of discrimination there are illegal, the closed-minded people keep their thoughts to themselves
I’m sorry about your friend. In my experience, although my family were a real problem, my friends were all fantastic and, to be honest, most of my friends are straight – and I like that a lot.
Ricky – yes but look at all the gay men that now stand a chance
(but certainly NOT me)
It was my first time seeing a film by this director. F has more on DVD and I’m sure we shall watch them since he is a big fan too
“But every time you use his name or use Lui instead of Lei when talking about him, you are, in fact, declaring to your listeners that you are heterosexual!”
It’s very true Andy. Being heterosexual it’s an understatement. You don’t declare it but in fact you do if you say lui instead of lei.
I also agree as far as gay men. Usually they are handsome and sexy
The friend I mentioned is nice but his friends are VERY nice. Oh my, you should have seen my face when I met them!!
I’m sure you’d love Le fate ignoranti.
La finestra di fronte, also, it’s a good movie although I don’t like the actor (Raul Bova).
I’ve seen all his movies and -along with Almodovar- he is definitely one of my fav.directors. You see? I really like gay.
We don’t even have the option of being rather vague. We must use ‘he’ or ‘she’, although I do use ‘my partner’ or ‘they’ which, in either case seems clumsy and uncomfortable!
I would have loved to have seen your face when you met them
but now I feel a little embarrassed – I wasn’t implying that I was so attractive (*blush*).
F has mentioned La finestra di fronte as being one of his favourites! And we went to see an Almodovar movie a month or two back – another of F’s favourites. It seems you two have something in common
Yes, I see. but I never thought that you hated gay in the first place