I guess that those of you that read my blog will know that I am full of doubt; always worried about something; always concerned if I have done/am doing the right thing.
Except that, I guess, to my friends and colleagues (Pietro?) I probably appear to be confident and self-assured – always seeming to be doing the right thing.
Well, the fact that, should you scratch the surface, I have all this uncertainty is not entirely true. There’s the times when, both externally and internally, I feel good – confident, strong, sure. These times are with F. It doesn’t seem to matter what shit I think I’m going through – within moments of being with him; being in his presence, the ‘problems’ just seem to disappear. It’s as if when he is there, everything that concerns me just falls away from me.
Also I received a rather good email today. And I chatted with my first, potential, student (well, the first this time round) and we’re meeting next week.
Still, I wonder if it’s wrong that, when he’s around, worries and problems don’t seem to have importance? At least, this week I have been doing some things to fix some of them and this continued today, so that’s more positive anyway.
I think that everybody sees what they want to see. I mean, if I do not want to see that you have a problem, I will not see. You seem confident, and maybe you get the idea that I’m sure of that, but there are other indications. Our body speaks a lot, unfortunately. I say this about me. There are times when it is evident that something is wrong, but many other times I’m able to hide what is happening. However, my body says something different.
Maybe you forget all the troubles when you’re with F just because…you’re with F. Now when you’re together you feel good, like a ship that during a storm finds a cove. You know that the problems are still there, but you feel stronger. Because you have F.
Yes, I think you’re right about the cove. I feel safe, for certain. And stronger. But I also worry (obviously) that, being with him, allows me to stick my head in the sand and that, him being away this week meant that I to get my act together and do some things. We shall see how it goes this week.
And, yes, body language is important and it is more difficult to hide things as our body language does tend to show up how we really feel. I’m not one of those people who easily reads body language (at least, not as far as I know).