Losing control

I don’t.

Well, there was that one time, back in May last year. You know, Karl Spark and all that.

Then there was the time about 22 years ago.

It’s not that I am so controlled it’s just that I try to make sure it seems that I’m in control, whatever mixed-up, messed-up, emotional crap I may be having a battle with inside.

For example. Anger. Sure, I get angry but, generally, you’d never know it. And if I get angry, I always wait a little for the anger to subside before doing anything. I can seem angry at the drop of a hat and do this sometimes. It has the right effect. But, actually angry and showing it – not if I can avoid it.

I find it difficult when others around me show too much emotion. Crying for example. I don’t know what to do. Do I hug them? Do I place a hand on them? Do I tell them not to worry; that everything will be OK? Do I tell them to get a grip?

No, emotions I don’t do well. Better, by far, to avoid (theirs and mine).

Which is why the current situation is so difficult. Hmmmm.

I am frightened of going and losing control; of becoming caught up in the emotional thing; one might say – ‘of being human’. No, I don’t like that idea at all.

7 thoughts on “Losing control

  1. Andy,

    you can’t avoid emotional things (of that kind) for the rest of your life. You just can’t get rid of emotions! Sometimes losing control is FINE, natural and it’s part of the “let it flow” which is normal.

    It’s not about emotional crap, it’s just about life.

  2. @Both,

    thanks for the comments. Of course, as I’ve been doing this ‘in control’ thing all my life (and I am not so young, so that is a loooong time), it’s not so easy just to switch that off.

    I am also aware that, for some reason, once I am out of control I don’t do or say the right things all the time and that I can upset people, which is not what I want to do.

    I don’t ‘get rid of emotions’, Lola hahahaha. Oh that I COULD do that? No, I just keep them well inside me as far as I can. Unfortunately, ‘letting it flow’ isn’t quite so normal for me.

    Let’s see how this thing pans out. There’s time yet. I have to be ready – or become like the rabbit again! But, on the plus side, the other thing for which I am being like a rabbit may become clearer now that I have this to focus on. At least I have some sort of plan :-)

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