So, she got me thinking.
Was it true? Did we have such a relationship that HAS affected everything else?
And then came the most disturbing thing.
I realised that, in all the memories, although she was obviously there, she had no physical presence. I mean to say, she was there – she was making or had made food; she put that blue stuff on my wasp stings; she cried in the car as they took me to university. And yet …..
When I tried to picture her or feel her touch, she was like a ghost – not real, ethereal. I couldn’t see a face. Or hands. She was always just out of vision. Just out of reach. She could have been touching me but I couldn’t feel it.
And that was strange. I could see him. He existed in both sight and feel.
But she’s not there, exactly.
So, I keep thinking, is this all part of it? Have I locked it down so well that she is being erased/has been erased by my own mind?
I was teaching something about women in business. There was a thing called “imposter syndrome”. It was said to cause the person to attribute their “success” to other factors such as luck, good timing, etc. rather than to themselves. They felt that they were always on the verge of “being found out”.
So, we were chatting about it and I explained that this was how I felt about the business I had. When people would say I was successful, I would respond with things like, “It’s not me, it’s the people that work here” or “It’s only because I happened to be in the right place at the right time”, etc.
I had forgotten that she has trained as a psychologist.
She said that this was caused by the relationship between me and my mother, up to 5 years of age. She suggested that it was because I had felt disturbed in some way when she wasn’t with me. So, that led me to thinking about the situations with and without her.
And that led me to the realisation that, in my thoughts and memories, she didn’t exist. Not really.
So, come our next lesson, I have to ask about this. To me, of course, this is normal but I’m not sure if it’s really normal or not.by