I am jealous. I mean really jealous. Take Corpodibacco’s post (Unfortunately, the blog no longer exists) as an example. Here’s a guy who isn’t mother-tongue English, writing stuff that I really like to read. OK so his English isn’t perfect (sorry C) but it’s pretty good and nothing a good editor couldn’t fix if it were to go into print. But his description, the imagery is all there. I, on the other hand, seem to scribble rubbish. Just the trivial facts, nothing of any real meaning.
To be honest, the Italians seem to have a near monopoly on navel-gazing and that’s not really what I want to do. For me, introspective writing just seems to make everything seem worse than it is and I like to ignore the crap and concentrate on the good things that occur. However, why is it that I can’t seem to describe things in a way that makes them, real and alive?
Part of the problem, of course, is that I always think I should be doing something else more worthy of my time. For example, as I write this, V is at work and, although I have been to the Post Office and taken the Rufus to the Vets (for his annual boosters, nothing’s wrong with him), I have yet to go shopping, try to make a passable attempt at cleaning the house, finish the washing, get something to eat, find some documentation, write some long-overdue letters, reply (again long overdue) to some emails, get one of company’s accounts up to date, etc.
I know that I cannot do all of this today, but I need to do some of them.
Then there is the starting-to-sort-out-the-flat-if-we-stand-a-hope-in-hell-of-fitting-in-the-furniture-we-have-coming-in-the-next-couple-of-weeks problem.
And worse, I know that procrastination is a problem I have. Which then leads onto a mountain of things that need to be done, which all become far too much to do, which means I sink into a form of depression, which leads me to waste time doing anything else except those things that need to be done, until, finally, I get off my arse and actually start doing some things. But, often, only enough to lift the depression and then the cycle starts again.
So, when I do write, I write with other things on my mind. Obviously, when I write at work I do have other things I can do but usually it is because there is a lull and I don’t actually have anything to do. Still, they are often hurried to get it done before work starts making demands.
And, really, what I want is to see things in more depth, with more imagination and then, to transpose this to a post. I envy people like C or like Penelope who have full lives but can write this stuff as well. I want to be like that. I want to be able to shut off the things that don’t really matter (or that do matter, but can be done later) and create the thing in my mind followed by writing it down so that it makes something worthwhile.
I just keep telling myself ‘YOU MUST TRY HARDER’ over and over again. I guess it will either come to me or not.
And now, to do one of the things on the list….
uhm, I wouldn’t define what I write as navel-gazing. I would be sorry if it was perceived like so. Well, of course we all as bloggers get to writing from our own experiences: this is what i like about it. Anyway to me what works (when it works: most of the times I am posting with great effort and much rarely than you, so…) is that I don’t want to ‘ignore the crap': and I don’t want to focus on pretty things. The purpose is to try to grasp what is real, because what is real is missed everyday — that to me is more challenging and interesting than excluding certain parts of my life from what I write. After all these are blogs, which means diaries. The way I see it, one should forget the public and what they know or think about you. If I was you, I would open another blog, without necessarily closing this one, of which nobody you know will know of, and try to write on it with total transparency honesty and without reticence all the things that otherwise cannot be told or described about you, your thoughts, your life. I am sure there is great stuff there (what about the relationship with your parents, for example?) That will give you a boost in writing much stronger than any recipe to get things done. It will be exciting because new and therapeutical and unpredictable. If you don’t at least try to do this, it becomes really inexplicable why you should envy someone like me, with all that crap I deliberately fill my mind with to pour it down on the page (and really, you shouldn’t!)
I’m sorry if I confused anyone with this. I started the post with a specific link to your post and then, as a sweeping generalisation, I classed everything as navel-gazing. For me, certainly not everything you write is like this although some posts do seem like that. But, again, it wasn’t meant to be, in any way, disparaging or criticising but to explain that I find that type of writing (or thought) particularly difficult to do.
You’re right about it being challenging. Of course, my blog was started to allow our friends from the UK to see what was happening to us and what things were different about living here. It was never supposed to be an in-depth study of any part of my life.
I think it would be a good idea to do as you say but the prospect is a little daunting. My fear is that, if I started to write about such things as my parents and our (non-) relationship, this could make me quite depressed. Since coming here, it is one of the things I really wish to avoid. However, perhaps it is time to bite the bullet and find an outlet for more serious writing and inspection of facets of my life that have remained somewhat muted and hidden from view
Finally, I think you write beautifully. You create a scene that is vivid, alive, happening. I admire anyone who can do this. It may be difficult for you; you may post more rarely than me (but quantity is no substitute for quality); it may not be good enough, in your eyes but, for us readers, it is good, it is interesting and it makes us want to come back. I can be patient and am happy to wait for the next post!. You shouldn’t feel the need to explain. I think most people fully understand.