Inevitable but, still ………..

“I didn’t know you had a blog”

Well, that’s not entirely true.

“I wouldn’t read it anyway”. I know that.

But now I feel I must, at least, show him. But, I am a procrastinator and so I procrastinate. It was Thursday and we are now on Saturday. It was over a beer with An and him. I mentioned it in passing. After all, it’s not a secret, as such. Not really.

The problem is not that I don’t want him to see it. In fact, it’s quite the opposite. I would prefer that he knows it is there, even if he doesn’t read it. I would prefer that he has seen it, even if he chooses not to read it but I wouldn’t mind him reading it. Well, not really. I think. Maybe.

No, the problem is that I must explain. After all, these things I write are not always, shall we say, exactly as other people see it. They are, in fact, what goes on in my head and what goes on in my head is more like a parallel universe – almost the same but with subtle (or even not so subtle) differences.

And, of course, he is there. In every post – even if not mentioned. He is there because, well, he is the most important person in my life and so ‘invades’ each post because he is always in my thinking, in my head. And, since this blog is about what’s in my head, he must be there.

I wouldn’t want him to read something and misinterpret or be upset by something. After all, very few of my readers actually know him. He is just ‘F’, some guy. He doesn’t have a face or a personality – except the personality I have given him. The personality I have given him is the one I see and the personality I write down is the one I have in my head. I’m sure he would disagree about some of it, would say ‘but I’m not like that’ and he would be right, I suppose. He isn’t like that – except, actually, in my head that’s exactly what he is like. And that’s quite difficult to explain. It becomes more difficult when we talk in a language that one of us doesn’t fully understand – even if his English is very, very good.

Most people who know me well have not reacted to the blog very positively. One person explained it as like ‘reading my personal diary’ – a little like snooping in my head. It’s OK for me but not for them. Like when someone dies – it’s those that are left behind (which is a strange statement in itself, I always think, as if they have raced ahead somewhere and not waited for all the others to catch up) that really suffer. The person who’s dead does not suffer at all. Then there are those who have searched and searched for mentions of themselves. Looking for how I really feel about them. But how I feel about them doesn’t really feature since the blog is about a moment and, worse, a moment that has a basis in real life but is still in my head. Which is a different thing.

Yes, it’s a different thing entirely.

But I should show him.

He has had plenty of chance to look. It is easy for him to find. I leave my computer on when I go to work. He uses it to play ‘the game’ (as we call it) on Facebook. But he only has to click on the tab to see it.

Still, I would be more ‘comfortable’ if he had seen it.

After I explain it – or try to explain it.

Just in case.

Yes, I should show him.

Maybe today?

Or tomorrow?

Soon.

8 thoughts on “Inevitable but, still ………..

  1. Hi ANdy,
    ya, I hear ya. It is hard to explain the motivation for a blog. Oh asure, there is a theme and so forth but it is quite personal and yet complete strangers read it. I may be way off base but I get the feeling that “F” wont really “get it” – and that is not a criticism I just feel that he will not see the value. Not his thing, ya know? So, good luck with sharing it –
    Love you
    Gail
    peace…..

    • I think you’re right, Gail. But I have to do it, I think. In some way, it will be better if he ‘dismisses’ it as nothing he’s interested in ;-)

      How’s your water problem?

  2. … time has come to touch upon the blog issue.
    I’m sure he wouldn’t be upset as you’ve always written wonderful things about him and/or your relationship.
    Keep us posted, I’m curious ;)

  3. Hi ANdy
    so far it is drying nicely albeit SO loudly with four HUGE fans-blowers and a HUGE de-humidifier too. the test will come when we get some snow Sunday and Monday AND a rain storm next Friday/Saturday. Hopefully it was due to ALL the melting and heavy snow and ice piled on our back deck and it seeped in. Fingers crossed.
    And I agree, it would be the best if you show “F” and e is not interested. phew.
    Love you
    Gail
    peace…..

    • Oh I do hope that’s the reason. My fingers will be crossed for you.
      Yes. I nearly did it this morning but …….
      Maybe tonight ……..?

  4. HI ANDY
    baby steps :-)

    Can you let Lola know I am commenting on her posts but they are not appearing? Also, I said in a comment to her on my blog (not sure if she will check back) that she could get my email address from you rather than me post it so then she can help me be able to comment on her posts. thanks for helping Andy
    Love Gail
    peace…..

    • Yes. Definitely baby steps. Well, it didn’t happen last night and he’s away now, in London. So I guess it will all wait ………

      Done as requested, Gail. No problem :-)

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