There are points in your life when you should fight. There are points when you should accept. It can be difficult to accept certain things. No one likes change, especially when change will mean stepping off the cliff, blindfolded – and you don’t even know if the wings will work or the parachute will open.
It was a little like that when we came here/before we came here.
I remember the decision, which took about 2 weeks to make (so it did have some thought, you see). But once the decision was made, there were times when it was a little scary. It was scary but the parachute we had was huge and was almost certain to work.
The parachute has gone now and, in some ways is not needed. Now there is a different parachute. This one is not tried and trusted, merely there. The wings we had four year ago are also different and, maybe, we only have one wing each. Or, maybe V has both. I cannot see. I am blindfolded.
There is no light but that does not mean there is no light. It’s just that there is no light for me, right now. When the blindfold comes off, there may be too much light or total blackness. I really don’t know. In reality it will probably be something like the Milan weather. Cloudy, a bit grey, light but not bright, just light.
I walk towards the cliff. I want to turn back but know that I cannot. I feel for the ways to turn back, never wanting to really change and find the cliff edge but knowing it is inevitable and trying to accept it and not fight something that I cannot change.
Sometimes, I stumble and know that although I am closer to the cliff, the patch of ground I am now on seems familiar and a little like the place I was before. And then I realise that it cannot be and that I have, indeed, moved a long way from that place.
I wonder if, should I find the path back, I would actually take that path and return. In my head I have played out every scenario. Except, of course, as I know, it is not every scenario. There are too many paths branching off at every step. Some of them seem like the path to return and some of them don’t. Some of them, seeming like the path to return will, actually, take me to a different place. This place may or may not be so good. Probably not.
And so, I stumble on. Sometimes I run towards the cliff and sometimes slow, feeling for the signs of the other paths, just in case. Well, you never know, do you?
And, yet, I do know. And there’s the rub.And, sometimes I feel pulled, in one direction or another, and I think of fighting but that’s all it is. Just thought.