Families

Just so you know, we have no Internet access at work – so no visiting of blogs and these posts have to be posted in the evening – and I have so little time. Hopefully, all will be back to normal soon.

In the meantime ……….

I had done a long piece about the falling out F had with his Mum. That was the weekend before last. There was a walk out, things were said and, afterwards I was told that now, he doesn’t feel obligated to go there.

Except I lived with V for over 20 years.

Let’s be honest, if I fall out with someone, I really fall out with them. It doesn’t go away. I guess that’s why, in the last 30 years or so, I don’t speak to my parents and have only seen them twice in that time.

It’s not that I bear grudges as such, it’s just that I don’t feel it can all be ignored. If there’s a problem then it remains a problem. I realize it’s my problem really but it’s the way I am. I tried to change when V left but V wouldn’t let me. Perhaps more of me rubbed off onto V than I had thought?

So, last weekend, I was, at once, surprised and unsurprised when, after we had arrived on Saturday, F phoned his Mum to say that we were down but we wouldn’t be going round for something to eat that evening.

On Sunday, he said he was sorry but we needed to go and see his Mum and Dad before going to the beach. He bought some cakes to have with coffee. I said it was fine (which it was). I may have a problem with forgiveness myself but I have no problem with other people being able to forgive – at least, between themselves.

And so we go. His Dad is on his own. He makes us coffee and he and F play cards, as normal. Hi Mum comes. She makes faces at me as if to ask ‘Is he OK now?’ or ‘He’s a strange one’ or something like that. I smile and raise my eyebrows and shrug my shoulders.

Finally, he and his Mum sit down (when his father has gone to the other room) to talk about a lunch at some restaurant to be arranged for his Dad’s birthday which is in a few weeks. I don’t suppose his brother will be there. But, who knows?

I don’t really understand families. Well, I understand my own – it’s everyone else’s that’s a mystery to me.

6 thoughts on “Families”

Hi Andy – Your thought process is unique, for sure. Well, unique/foreign to me. I know it is sacred ground when it comes to your family – a place I don’t venture to whilst in any discussion with you because even without you saying it directly to me I know it is off limits. I think I know anyways F’s desire to find a resolve is more in keeping with how I think as opposed to once there is a problem there is no fixing it. I am not even sure why I feel sad about your committed estrangement from your family – I just do.
Love Gail
peace and hope for us all

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Andy on 19 July, 2011 at 10:29 pm said:

Hi Gail,

It’s not really off-limits but no one can really ‘cope’ with it and they feel much like you about my situation (i.e. they don’t want to talk about it). For me, it’s OK. It’s the way it’s always been. It’s like if you’re Chinese then you are Chinese. Don’t feel sad. I have had a very, very happy (mostly) and fulfilling life. I have had (and still have) some really good friends and really good experiences – and, for me, without the pressure and distractions of the ‘family’. I’ve been free in as much as any of us are free. I find it liberating.

I know it’s not how you (or, for that matter, most people) think and that’s OK too. I don’t ever propose my model of living as the way to live. It suits me but I know that it wouldn’t suit most people and it’s OK that most people don’t do what I do. I don’t think they are wrong. I just don’t really understand how they can do what they do, is all.

I appreciate your comments because I know you would find it difficult if you were my mother and I know you have a situation of your own. I hope that your daughter isn’t quite as pig-headed as I am and that it all works out for you.

With love

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