Don’t come into my head

Don__t_come_into_my_head

In spite of an earlier post (which, to be honest, I just can’t be bothered to find), there is, after all, another side of me.

It is well hidden from the rest of the world. It is dark. It is gloomy. It is cold. It is like a deep well, with straight, slippery sides that go down to the centre of the earth

It’s not a new thing that has happened recently. Rather, it is an old thing from way back, if not all my life.

>I keep it in check. I know it’s there and I know it has power over me but I try to push it back. So far, I have succeeded and sometimes, holding on to the reality that ‘is’ rather then the reality that very well could ‘be’, is a struggle.

If I am honest with myself, I have relied on V too much. The first time I thought that, perhaps, he ‘didn’t really understand me’ (although, given that I keep it quite well hidden, why should he?) was about 6 or 7 years ago. It sticks in my mind. Although I often have the feeling of being lonely whilst with others, I had never really felt this with V until this time. It was his response – ‘Don’t worry, it’ll be alright’, in an unconsidered way, that made me feel all alone. Strange how these little things stay with you, isn’t it?

It’s the overwhelming feeling of dread; of panic; of impossibility that gets to me. Of course, like my imaginary conversations, the things do not exist, except inside my head. Or maybe they will exist? And there’s the rub.

Sometimes, I feel, I want to take my brain out, give it a good wash and get rid of these stupid things which cling and grow like some sort of fungus on, say, an apple that is going bad. In fact, in the Tate Modern, there is (or was) a video film that I really loved which showed a bowl of fruit over a period of time, going bad. The fungus started as specks and grew and grew as the fruit collapsed and became smothered by it. I wonder if I loved it because it was how I feel about my brain?

There are times, when some good thing happens that this deep, dark well seems many miles away and other times where I am already in the well, clinging for life by a finger of one hand on the edge of the well; looking behind me and down to the bottom which, without doubt, I cannot see because, without doubt again, there is no end; no bottom; I shall just keep free-falling forever.

And, if in previous times, when I hang so precariously, I have come back from the brink, it may have been because of some (misguided?) sense of responsibility to others around me (for example, V). Right now, what is the reason that I should fight it? For whom? And wouldn’t it be easier to succumb to the inevitable and allow myself to let go and slip into the darkness without a care in the world?

Sounds a little depressing, I know, but you should be in my head for a moment! Or, rather, you shouldn’t.

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5 thoughts on “Don’t come into my head

  1. You have written:
    “And, if in previous times, when I hang so precariously, I have come back from the brink, it may have been because of some (misguided?) sense of responsibility to others around me (for example, V). Right now, what is the reason that I should fight it? For whom? And wouldn’t it be easier to succumb to the inevitable ”

    I think that succumbing would be very painful, would be like hell. You should resist it for all that like or love you (your parents, friends etc.) but also (and especially) for yourself, since life is the only chance of existing we have, after which we will disappear forever.
    There will be no other opportunity.
    Nothing.
    So why embrace progressive decadence and descend deeper and deeper into the well? It doesn’t seem to me advantageous or intelligent. Shouldn’t we try to live this opportunity of existing we were given as best as we can, or at least decently?

  2. Andy?

    My goodness…………..what is going on? I feel your darkness and the depth of your well all the way here……. I want you to fight to get out of this, with all your might. I can’t tell you why or how because those things are in YOU. But you know how and you know why.

    Love Gail
    fight.

  3. Sorry guys. Yesterday was a very weird day. Today is better, tomorrow will be better still! I promise.

    It’s just sometimes…..well, you know……

  4. One idea could be start to scream, so that all the darkness comes out. If you do it inthe traffic, in your car, while simulating a conversation with someone, no one will think that you’re crazy.
    Or, you could punch and kick someone. I have some suggestion, if you will try to find a victim…

  5. I already have those imaginary conversations whilst in the car, talking to myself and, catching myself doing it I am hoping people who may see it are thinking that I’m singing! If not, then they probably DO think I’m crazy.
    Ha ha ha! I’m sure you can make a suggestion or two – however, it will probably mean the end of my job. Now, all I have to work out is if that is a good thing or a bad thing …………

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