I had two quite strange dreams last night.

The first involved a famous footballer. Not a specific famous footballer, you understand and, yet, I suppose he could have been David Beckham.

Don’t get me wrong, David is quite good looking but not really my type. And it wasn’t really David as this guy had some hair on his chest. How do I know this, well, because he was naked and lying/sitting on the bed, propped up on the pillows.

But this vision was, in fact, a flashback, whilst I was telling someone about it and insisting that ‘nothing happened’ because I really wasn’t interested which, if you’ve heard David speak, you may understand. His manly frame is not upheld with his, frankly, pansy voice.

Even more weirdly, his wife or girlfriend was also there – lying over the corner of the bed (but clothed, obviously)!

The second dream was, indeed, more weird and just a little horrific and I think it was this one that made me wake up.

I would suggest that if you’re a little bit squeamish or don’t eat meat, you stop reading here.

No, honestly, this is going to be terrible for you.

In fact, this will be quite terrible for anyone.

So, stop reading.

Please?

You won’t like it.

Really you won’t.

I didn’t and it was MY dream!

Well, if you’re still reading it then either you’re mad or you don’t care and can watch the most horrible of horrible of movies.

And so,

It starts with me sitting with an animal (like a baby calf or a baby pig) lying with it’s head resting on my lap.

For some reason, it’s quite happy lying there.

Then I effectively cut it’s belly away and the next thing is that this belly is on my plate as some sort of cooked meat and I am eating it. And it’s very tasty (probably being so fresh!)

Meanwhile, the animal is still lying contendedly on my lap. (This is a dream – not real. Anything is possible in a dream).

As I finish the last bit, I think I will have some more but the animal is tired of lying down and wants to get up.

Of course, I have eaten it’s belly so I try and sooth it and explain that it can’t get up because it has no belly any more and that it shouldn’t worry because soon i will put it out of it’s misery. I am stroking it as I speak.

Then it rolls over exposing it’s belly – although, suddenly, it is Piero and I am quite disgusted with what I’ve just done.

But as it rolls over I see that his belly is intact.

And I am so relieved that he’s OK.

The next few moments were me trying to work out why, logically, I could have eaten the belly and yet the belly was OK!

And then I woke up.

Don’t ask me what it all means. It was all too weird for me and I can barely think about it. I was hoping that, writing it down would get it out of my head.

We’ll see.

Oh, yes, and quite obviously, it took me bloody ages to get to sleep again