It’s the mornings that are the best or worst depending upon what has happened.  They’re the times when my head seems to be straighter, less complicated and when, sometimes, everything seems to be ordered and I am able to see, in retrospect, the things that happened in a different light.

And so it was this morning.

To put it mildly, I have been a right chump.  Worse, still, I have not been ‘listening’ to my friends, old and new, and all I’ve thought about is myself.  Well, as Best Mate said about herself, it’s time to get my life back.

For some, it will certainly mean an apology, for others, just letting it be and for some others – well, I don’t really know the right path but I’ll do one or the other.

The difficulty, of course, is a) to see things from the outside, as others do and b) it doesn’t mean that just because it was all obvious this morning it will mean that tomorrow it will be the same.  This road to some sort of sanity will have setbacks, stumbling and, for certain, falling flat on my face – but this morning is a start anyway.

For those of you who know me in real life and read this blog (the few of you), I can apologise here first – although, for most, I will also have to do it in person.  Don’t think that this means I won’t be as bad next time you see me but, at least, I may be able to keep it all in check better than previously.

One of the side effects of this morning’s new ‘revelation’ was that I thought about relationships and got quite sad at the fact that, in the end, I would settle for so much less.  That doesn’t mean I would be unhappy with it but that the settling for something means that it will be so much less than I really want or need.

The other night, A & I were out.  I intimated that I had almost given up trying for what I want.  A was surprised and said I should still go for it – but there is a great risk involved, of course.  As with anything in life, you have to choose whether you would rather have a little something (far less than you want) or go for the big prize and risk getting absolutely nothing at all.

To be honest, in this case, I am still in two minds.  This morning, I just thought how stupid it was to go for the big prize and then, a few hours later, I am still wondering if the big prize is actually, possibly, available and by settling for the thing I could get, I will miss out on the prize.

Sounds like some crappy game show, doesn’t it?  One at which I am the only contestant.  The difference is that, as with all these things (perhaps even game shows), the getting of the big prize or the settling for something much less, the risk-taking for what could be all or nothing would have, possibly, such an effect of my future path in life that it becomes all important.

Here I am with (maybe, unless I have already fucked it up completely) a possible £1000 which I can walk away with or a possibility of £1 million if I play the next round.  Imagine then that, in my mind at least, I have a 50/50 chance?  That’s got to be worth the risk, surely?

But what if the chance is actually zero?  I should, of course, take the money and run.

And, whereas in the game show, there are odds that can be worked out, in real life, the odds are more difficult to predict unless you already know all the answers, which I, quite clearly, don’t – else there would be no show as I would do the thing that would give me the most and be satisfied with that.

The thing about a ‘real’ game show, of course is that, at the very worst, you walk away with nothing – that is, nothing extra.  The reason why we are (I am) so undecided as to which way to play is that the ‘real life’ game show can mean walking away with less than you came with – and that’s where the actual risk comes in to play.

So, to play or not?  I feel I should play, on the basis that one never got anything by sitting on one’s hands and, at the end of it all, the possible loss, although it would sadden me, would not kill me.  However, the playing, if it is to be done, has to be done very, very carefully to stand any chance of the big prize (if, in fact, the odds are not zero, which they may be anyway).

You are the audience and I am being asked if I wish to take the £1000 or play for the big prize.  Bear with me while I think about it, please………..