We don’t argue.

Well, in part because we rarely talk. And by that I mean deep, meaningful discussions.

This is, in part, because we don’t have the same language as our mother tongue and partly, if I am perfectly honest, because I don’t want to.

The problem is that a) I would rather not know – I would rather live in my bubble of perfection and b) I am a “wordy” person which, if you don’t have the same mother tongue and aren’t inclined to be a “wordy” person but more of a “visual” person, as F is, creates an imbalance and an advantage to the “wordy” person with the disadvantage to the “visual” person, of which I am very aware and against which I guard.

There – that was “wordy” wasn’t it?

What I mean is that, even if we spoke the same language, we wouldn’t actually speak the same language – so discourse is difficult.

And so it has proved.

So, he gets the plan of the flat that he really, really likes; that I was due to see on Saturday but didn’t because the stupid estate agent has to get the keys from the portinaio (porter/doorman) and the portinaio doesn’t work on Saturdays. So, no key, no viewing.

Anyway, back to the story – he gets the plan in order to see where furniture could go. He starts placing things. He suggests a room could be the studio or it could be a place to put washing that is drying. I suggest that we could use it as both as I don’t have lessons on Monday and Tuesday and everything is dry by then.

He says that we will have to do washing every couple of days and not just on Sunday as I do now.

I don’t agree and say that it should be OK.

He suggests that, to do all the washing on a Sunday would mean needing about 10 drying racks (which is an exaggeration – but I get the point) and so I say OK.

He hates it when I say “OK” if he thinks I still don’t agree. Now, sometimes this is true – I don’t agree but decide that a) time will tell and/or b) my experience is such that I know him to be wrong and I am happy to wait until he sees that he is wrong. Or, of course, c) – which is where I think he is wrong and my experience says that he is wrong but, in fact, he proves, at a later time, he is correct – which is fine by me.

So then he goes off on one. I am, apparently, “typically English”. I never say what I really think. He has a point but in this case, he is incorrect. Apparently, I always say “OK” when I don’t mean “OK” at all. On this he is definitely wrong. I have said OK because he had a point about the drying racks. V and I used to do all the washing on a Sunday or Saturday and we didn’t have a problem – but I can’t remember how it wasn’t a problem. So, without the logic of being able to argue the point, I would rather have it proved – one way or the other.

I try to explain that I have not said “OK” just to shut him up but, rather, that I have said “OK” because he has a point about the drying racks.

However, he has stopped listening to me. Now he has decided what I have been thinking and this is not up for discussion.

He says that if we are to live together, there must be compromises on both sides. He is already having to “accept all your furniture” and “none of mine” and if we can’t agree on these things and we can’t talk about them without me “making my mind up beforehand” perhaps it would be better not to move in together.

I confess I was a bit taken aback by the comment about the furniture. I thought he had understood but, obviously, not. I again try to explain about my reasoning for saying “OK”, prefacing this with “perhaps it would be better not to live together if you think that arguing about something as trivial as washing can be a deal breaker.” I don’t use those words exactly, of course. Too many words/phrases he may not know.

We progress to silence. I put out the washing that has just finished. By the time I return the plan is back in the plastic folder. The “discussion” has ended.

And, for me, maybe it would be better not to live together? After all, I love my flat. Maybe, if we lived together and then split up, I wouldn’t be able to find a flat as wonderful as I have? Nor can I stand this “typical English” tag that he puts on me. Nor his way of assuming he knows what I am thinking, especially when it is NOT what I am thinking.

He went in to the bedroom to watch TV. I joined him after 10 minutes but only stayed for about 30 minutes. This was because there was no conversation and also because the film/programme was too difficult for me to follow.

After a while, and after checking the weather forecast again, I went into the bedroom to say that, as the forecast now said it might rain in the morning, I would take the dogs out in the morning. No answer. So, fuck it!

He was supposed to be going to see a flat this morning. I don’t know if he went or not. Normally he would text me. So far, he hasn’t.

In any event, at the moment, I think we should talk. I, certainly, have something to say.

1. Stop fucking generalising about me as “typical English” because a) I don’t generalise about him being “typically Italian” and b) because he really doesn’t know what I’m thinking.
2. I will move to a different area, if he wants. I will move to a newish flat, if he wants. And even if it is only for 4 years, there is a 50/50 chance I won’t be happy with it – but what the hell, it’s only to sleep in! But that’s what I did with V, when we came here, and I am trying to avoid living somewhere that doesn’t feel like “home” to me.
3. We don’t have to have “all” my furniture. I am happy to put most of it in storage (the rest can be sold/be thrown away). But he has to remember that these are all I have left from my 55 years of living on this planet. Yes, I know that “things” are not important in life and I really try very hard not to get too attached to “things” BUT, these are the only “things” I have – no house, no family, etc. and two of the items are a reminder of my Grandfather (aka my hero) and were bought using the money he left me when he died. So, we don’t have to have those things – but if we don’t then they have to go in storage because I will never sell them.

So am I just a bit angry? Yes, I am. Do I want to continue? Well, yes but now I am worried. It’s OK when when we’re not living together but I’m not sure it would be OK if we have nowhere to go “home” to.

Will we talk? Well, right now, I want to. It could change later, of course.

Maybe it would be better to leave things as they are after all.