How to say ‘no’ and ‘My mate fancies you!!’

The other night, with Dennis, was, almost, the perfect date.  We met and went for an aperitivo.  We talked.  A friend of his (well work colleague, who was incredibly beautiful – if I were straight…..) came over and chatted for a bit.  It was nice and, unlike last time, didn’t feel so strained.  OK, so he’s a bit camp but likeable.

Then we went for dinner.  The Brick Oven near Porta Venezia.  We both had bacon/cheeseburgers (I haven’t had one for ages) which were not bad.  I had beer – he doesn’t drink.

We talked about relationships.  I said I was really concerned that, should we have a relationship, the smoking would be a big problem for him.  Still, the most important thing was that we talked.

We agreed to meet again.  I teased him about how, I could come back tonight and that could he really wait until Saturday?

He phoned the next morning to say he had thought about it and that I was right, the smoking would become a problem, eventually.

I’m kinda glad and kinda sad in a way.  However, we are to remain friends – and the difference is that he thinks it was his decision, which is fine by me.  Maybe I’ll also get something else from it……we’ll see on Saturday!

I’m finding this new site interesting and, certainly, there are many more available people.  However, it being a site where most people are looking for sex, I thought that the chance of meeting anyone for a more long-term relationship was fairly slim.

However, and it’s early days yet, I’ve met Bruce.  Bruce is very good looking and, it seems, wants similar to me – i.e. someone to love – over and above the sex.  There’s a long way to go from here to something like that but, there’s a chance (again) and each one of these fills me with hope and gives me the certain knowledge that one day, one of these men, will just slot right in as if he was always meant to be.

One of my problems, I have found is that I may be too direct.  Most of the time I just shrug my shoulders as these people seem to do the blah, blah, blah without any substance and, to be honest, that’s not what I want.  Not only am I too direct but, worse than that, I want it NOW.  And I don’t mean the sex bit (although that is always welcome, of course).  What I mean is I want the long-term thing to start immediately.  This may strike of desperation but, I assure you, it’s not.  It’s more to do with the fact that I am impatient and because starting a relationship is so fraught with difficulties and misunderstandings, in addition to the extra stress that a gay relationship seems to impose, that I just want to get that bit over with.  You could say that that bit was all part of getting to know someone and, of course, you would be right.

However, the problem (in the past and so, for me it is the ‘norm’) is that then there are times of not speaking, of saying things one doesn’t really mean, of the slamming of doors and the ‘meaning to hurt’.  And that’s not what I want.

However, I suppose that it is inevitable and that, now, these days, there is less inclination to try and set up a life with someone, everyone having been bitten before, so, therefore, more wary, more circumspect and, from the other side, more suspect.

I’ve never really got into the ‘gay world’ and every time I get close to it is both shocking and intriguing at the same time.  So I was (still am) shocked by the amount of people willing to show you pictures of parts of their body that, they think, you may find appealing (although, sometimes, they are appealing).  I always thought that it was, partly, the element of surprise and imagination that made the whole thing sexier.  It seems not.

On this site, I don’t include a photo of my face.  However, if people ask I will send one.  To me it is quite a good picture (given my age and the fact that a good iron wouldn’t go amiss if applied to my face – that’s been the smoking and the not listening to V when he said I should have been using cream all this time) but I’m not for every one.  So, on sending my pic, if a good response isn’t forthcoming or the usual ‘you’re not my type’ is returned it can be a bit disappointing.  I won’t say gutting as, although it may seem that for a split second, I realise that I do the same.

However, when I get a good response, it makes me very happy.  So I put up with the ‘not so good’ responses for the responses that are good.

And one guy, today, said that, unfortunately, he was looking for someone who looked older, which, in a way, was a compliment.

Still, whichever way you look at it, even if it is a bit like school and going up and saying ‘I really fancy you’ only to get rebuffed with the girl turning to all her mates in fits of giggles, leaving you standing there like some sort of jerk, it isn’t quite like that and it does take some of the nerve-wracking ‘having to actually physically go over and then getting left and everyone seeing’ thing out of it, which, for me, is great. And, in any event, it’s better than getting one of your friends to go over and say (with a London type accent, of course) ‘My mate fancies you……..’

It doesn’t stop that tinge of disappointment though.  Ah well, right now, I seem to have enough on my plate, so maybe I’ll start to take it a bit easier and see who ‘comes’ to me!  (Actually, I have been doing that and I too give the standard ‘sorry, you’re not my type’ when they don’t look as I would like.  Hey, right now, in Milan alone, there’s over 900 guys online and looking to be hooked up in one way or another – so I think I’ll get other chances, don’t you?)

On that optimistic note, I’ll stop; there are men to be found…….

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6 thoughts on “How to say ‘no’ and ‘My mate fancies you!!’

  1. Thanks Gail.

    Not sure it’s courage and the determination is just what I do/am. Not sure if Bruce will be the one but he’s interesting and interested and also, in my eyes, quite beautiful (but in a more rugged way, sort of). And he’s artistic, which is what I’ve always wanted in my man, even if that is fraught with danger – you know, artistic temperament and stuff.
    We’ll see

  2. I loved the comment about the london style accent “my mate fancies you…” I could almost hear it. Same for the giggling girls, although I had girls coming and saying “my mate fancies you!” then running back to their mates giggling.

    And I know all too well about artistic temperaments. My girlfriend always says the worst thing about me is my dark moods I get into when something goes wrong for me and it’s my fault it went wrong.

  3. Hi TSM. Yeah, not sure about the artistic temperament but there’ll be only one way to find out, I guess……..and I might even enjoy that journey :-)

  4. A few things … I imagine you had something close to a marriage, although I don’t know the term (or I’ve forgotten). That’s whereof I can speak, so I’ll speak to that, take what fits, discard the rest.

    1. Crazy time. When long-term marriages break up, there’s a 3-5 year period of “crazy time.” Crazy time is just a time at which your emotions and impulses are all over the place. Cut yourself some slack.

    2. Wanting a relationship now. Another common thing, often in the first year is the “transitional relationship.” I either didn’t have one or had a very long one or had too many of them, so I can’t vouch that this happens absolutely always. But I have heard again and again from people after breakup, the breathless announcement of MEETING SOMEONE who is bloody perfect. An idyll occurs for X period of time and then, pop, the bubble bursts. Expect that to happen. I had that briefly with a woman I thought was gorgeous and impossibly witty until — pop! — I took off my rose-tinted spectacles …

    3. Feel free to make many, many mistakes. The reality is that no one notices (they’re busy criticizing themselves), or if they notice they’re jerks if they announce it out loud, and if they are jerks, who needs them? The point is no one can take away the mileage (or kilometrage), so go for the ride.

    4. My impression of the gay world is … um, not to be homophobic about it, that there’s a lot that is shocking and objectionable and just crass. The same could be said of discotheques where 22-year-olds go (sorry if you’re 22). You sound more like a book group sort or a lecture series or somewhere where educated people of some taste show photos of something other than their own anatomy. (On Craiglist, which I occasionally surf for the personal ads as a form of entertainment, there was one woman who warned men NOT to send her “a picture of your cock.” So I sent her a picture of a rooster.)

    That’s it for now … carry on. Oh, and for the mate bit, there’s the story of Miles Standish.

  5. Thanks Cecilieaux. You are, of course, right.
    Regarding point 4 – it’s OK, it’s not really homophobic as it is true. Unfortunately, its more difficult to ‘find’ someone who is gay in the ‘straight’ world (even here, where straight seems to be something of a guideline), especially if you have my handicap of an absolutely crap gaydar – unless they are so camp and effeminate as to be almost a woman, so, I am hoping that, amongst the flotsam and jetsam that I find, there will be a few gems – people who can be interesting (without being just interested in sex) AND gay!

    And, I know I will make many mistakes and the bubble will burst on many that look ‘perfect’ at first (or second or third) sight, so I am prepared…..I think.

    But thanks a lot for your comments and support. It is appreciated.

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