I leave €150 under his keyboard.

I really would like it if he stayed and, so, if I were being truly selfish, I would ignore all the signals. But, I can’t be so selfish and, worse, I feel bad for even thinking about ignoring the signs. Part of me, anyway, wants him to go. A whole (or most of the) weekend without cleaning and disturbance would be lovely. To sleep in as long as possible, get up and have one or two mugs of my special coffee, then take the dogs out when I’m ready. It’s a kind of luxury. And it’s a luxury because, if he were to be there, that just wouldn’t happen.

At the same time, it is the Furniture (Design) Fair in Milan. And the “fringe” festival happens in various parts of the city. With him, in previous years, we have gone out to have a look at some places and I really enjoy it – just wandering around and looking at all these little exhibitions. It’s a nice time out and something we don’t do together very often. Without him I am almost certain not to go anywhere.

Also, Ay and her boyfriend are over and I would really like him to meet her. Now that V has “disappeared”, he seems very open to meeting her and I am taking them out to dinner on Friday night. In one way, I would like him to be there. In another, of course, without him, Ay and I can talk more freely.

But, over all, I would prefer him to be here. But I know that his mum will need him more and, if he doesn’t go this weekend (well, tonight, really), then he won’t be able to go for at least another couple of weekends.

So, with a heavy heart, I fold the money and put it under his keyboard.

I’ve had days of explanations of why he should go and why he can’t go or doesn’t really want to go. The doesn’t really want to comes about because it means he won’t relax. But, in a way, that’s for my benefit as if to say that he won’t have fun without me and it’s a reason why we (the dogs and I) shouldn’t go down too.

The can’t go is simpler but is not the real reason. It comes down to cost. It costs about €100 each time you go down there – with the petrol costs and the motorway tolls. He has been trying to save money – or, rather, not spend money. He had to pay all the funeral costs or, rather, he paid the funeral costs (after all, it should have been shared, at least) because he didn’t want his mum to worry about it. Obviously, it’s caused a temporary “hole” in his finances. I’ve given him some money a week or so ago and bought him cigarettes one time.

A couple of days ago, I asked if he wanted me to give him come money. He ignored the question. Yesterday, after hearing the reasons outlined above, again, I texted him with my offer. He ignored it. I texted to ask if he had seen my suggestion and he ignored even that.

I think it comes down to him not wanting to “ask” for money. So, I gather, I’m supposed to guess. Or read the signals given out and just do it this way. Kind of secretively and surreptitiously.

And, so, this morning I do it.

He has said that it also depends if his colleague needs the car. But I’m pretty certain now that he will go.

Which makes me a little sad. But also makes me feel a little “heroic” by not letting my selfishness take over.

And, yet, I also feel guilty for feeling in any way “heroic” which is egotistical.

But, in any case, it’s done. I know he’s seen the money but, just like last time, he’ll take it and not say anything. Even a “thank you” would feel like he’d requested it, I suppose. At the same time, I know he’ll be grateful.

And, yet ……
And, yet ……