It’s all changed. It’s all different, somehow but I’m not entirely sure why. There’s nothing that I can really explain but F seems much more relaxed and, when he’s relaxed, he is even more wonderful.

Last night I arranged to go out with A for a drink to celebrate my birthday. F agreed to come but there was none of the usual ‘difficulty’ in getting him to come. There’s not a real difficulty but, until yesterday, he was less inclined to go out. This time it was no problem. Maybe because he had good news about the test too and, maybe, because, as a result of that he knows he can trust me more? I don’t know.

And A is going through a bit of a tough time as he and Fr have split (again) and he feels he’s getting older. And he knows that he has, shall we say, a more difficult personality – sometimes (although not for me) he comes across as a bit arrogant. I just find it a funny personality trait and it really doesn’t worry me but I think that was why V never really liked him. Best Mate, on the other hand, when she was over said that he was really nice and, underneath it all, as I have explained before, he has a heart of gold and is a really good friend.

He bought me a card. And what he wrote in it was really nice and I was touched. He has really deep feelings (which he keeps well hidden) but they are really genuine. I think F likes him too.

We talked a lot about relationships. F said so many things that I agreed with. And it reminded me of the first night and how the things he said, with such conviction, were the things that I thought too – and how that is the reason that we’re together – because, as he said, we were both looking for the same thing – and we found it in each other. And, so, there may be many things where we differ (mainly food) but with regards to the basic things, the intangibles, we are the same. I think that makes for a good base.

He also said that I was not like S. And he knows I am not. We may both be English, both Taurus, both with blue eyes – but that’s where the similarity ends.

And so when a guy texted me (one I met before I met F), I was torn between not telling F and just going; not going but rather than tell the guy just make excuses; and telling F.

Last night we were talking about jealousy. A is always jealous. Fr stopped A from seeing his old friends (girls) because she was insanely jealous. F said that he used to be jealous. I was shocked and told him so. He always seemed the most unjealous person I’ve met! He said that he was really jealous, especially with S but then he had reason to be. With me he doesn’t feel like that because I have given him no cause for this. I don’t keep saying that I can’t come because I’m meeting so-and-so; I don’t stare (or hardly look, to be honest) at other guys when I’m with him – when I’m with him I am with him and only him.

And so I told him this guy had texted and wants to meet for coffee. I asked if it was OK for him and he said yes. And so, shortly I go to meet him. I hope it will be nice and I hope he doesn’t expect anything else. I will give no cause for F to be jealous now.

And, I may have mentioned it before or maybe not, but I have been a little jealous of F. He spends a lot of time with Si, his colleague at work. For a while I did think that, perhaps, there was something more but I was determined that I must not think that. I know that we both come into this with a past and with past boyfriends. They won’t disappear. I won’t (in spite of some hurdles) cut myself off from V. We spent 20 years together. Nor am I jealous of F talking to S or, for that matter, any old boyfriends. after all, if they had been that good and compatible, he would still be with them and not with me.

And, really, I should find a way to get in touch with M. After all, we were together for 10 years and he was my first in so many ways.

But A doesn’t really get that. And I tried to explain that I understood as with M it was different and, maybe, it’s because I am older and I cannot ignore the years leading up to this – this now – this being with F and that all those years before were to get to here and I am very happy with being here and, of course, all the years that F had before led to here and I am happy he is here with me.

And so all is right and I cannot be jealous.