It doesn’t happen that often. Not even as often as I thought it would and this is the first time since I had the crazy period.
Yesterday was V’s birthday. I texted, of course, about quarter past midnight, to wish him a happy birthday. He replied with a thank you and said something that I just could not reply to, so I didn’t. If I had said what I had wanted to say then it would have been wrong.
Later: I have this overwhelming urge to get back together with him. I don’t think it was the birthday thing, just a feeling that came over me. It would be easier to be with him then anyone else. It would be comfortable (though, not necessarily nice or good or right). We know so much about each other (which is both good and bad).
It passes as I knew it would but there’s a little piece of me that still has that feeling. It would, of course, be crazy to do this and I know that and, anyway, it could not possibly work. But it doesn’t stop the thinking.
Someone I spoke to today asked what he had done to celebrate his birthday. How the hell would I know? Why ask me? I said, instead, that I thought he would be out with colleagues (I purposely didn’t say friends as this was someone that thinks they are his friend). But, still, it was a silly question to ask me unless they thought that I was out with him. But why would I be?
And so, after all these months (more than half a year), it hasn’t entirely gone away, in spite of the time; the last meetings; the crazy period (which, almost, stopped all these thoughts and, certainly, changed many things – at least in my head); the fact that he is so much thinner and, in my opinion, does not look the better for it.
And, his text response makes me think – what the fuck do you want from me?
Someone wrote to me the other day:
Look, it is really hard to me to guess what other people expect, especially if they are from a different country. I started my studies as a wizard but, unfortunately, I have to work, sometimes! Anyway, with a little help, I could figure out the different desires, like in a “treasure hunt”
[Note: this was written to me for me to use and not to me directly, if you see what I mean]
And now V is from a ‘different country’ or might as well be. And so it also applies to V. In fact, right now, it could apply to many people as far as I am concerned, so crap am I at being able to tell what people want from me and so desperate am I to want to respond in the right way.
I want to scream – ‘help me to understand what you want'; ‘be plain’, etc., etc.