Author Archives: Andy

Going or not going? More importantly, why?

Posted on by
2

“you know, other things ……..work, house, you, the babies :-)”

I can be a disingenuous sometimes, it’s true. Of course I knew the list included me and the babies. When I said that I wasn’t sure this morning, when he asked if he should go, I was hoping and wanting him to say this. Even if, last night, he was a bit concerned when I told him that I may not be able to get the ‘sitter’ for the dogs and, so, maybe wouldn’t come. He suggested that I could come on just the Sunday. I said we’ll see. No, he doesn’t want to go unless I am coming or following behind. But this morning I said that he should go. He needs to see his parents and has, probably, promised his best friend. Or, rather, nearly promised.

Still, we all need confirmation about the feelings of those around us, from time to time, don’t we?

And so he isn’t going. And, so, I’m not going either. There will be another time. It would be so much easier if we could use his house. Then we could take the dogs and all would be fine. Let’s hope it becomes free soon.

Meetic – why do I still appear on people’s lists?

Posted on by
6

Sorry for the non-posting. I’ve been a bit busy, not had enough sleep and feel like crap, to be honest.

But that’s not the point of this post.

The point of this post is to say to you out there – do not trust Meetic with your money!

Several times a day I get notifications, by email, that someone has viewed my profile.

I know, having used it for several months last year, that most people at the ‘top’ of any list are those that are online, followed by those that have been online in the last few days.

Except that I haven’t. So, unless by extraordinary coincidence, people are trawling though old profiles or being so specific in their search criteria as to have found me as being one of the only people, Meetic are placing me at the top of lists for no apparent reason. It almost makes me want to sign in as a fake person to see where I DO appear!

Maybe I will. But not today.

>F will be away in his home town at the weekend. I may go down on the Saturday for the night. We shall see. That’s not what is making me feel crappy either.

Inevitable

Posted on by
6

It’s started. No, it had started some time ago but now it’s more. It’s difficult to get up. Getting up requires help. It was inevitable but just as I thought that, maybe, I had got it wrong and there was a long time to go, it hits and makes me sad.

As I say, it was inevitable. Still……..

Of course, it doesn’t help that the floor gives no grip. F realises this. He jokes that Dino can come to his place and I can stay with Rufus at mine. Later he says that he might get a large piece of the stuff they put under carpets here to stop them slipping – a sort of mesh thing. I think he will. Before that he had said that we would have to spend much more time at my place.

I picked the place because of the dogs but didn’t realise that the floors would be quite so good. They have a roughness that allows grip – not shiny wooden or marble floors which offer none.

So I help him to his feet. He will get used to this. I will do it for as long as it needs to be done, the only worrying thing for me will be that he may be in actual pain. I hope not but, of course, he cannot actually say. I can’t remember how long after the falling down bit it was before Ben died.

He’s OK when moving – stumbling a bit from time to time now but OK. Ben was much worse. F suggested that we have to keep them apart a bit now. “Why?”, I asked. “Because he will miss him when he’s gone”, he said. And, so, he wants him to get used to it now.

I don’t know how long it will be. Maybe months; maybe many, many months. It only happened the one night. The next day he got much better and now seems OK. But it will happen again. I’ve seen it before.

It’s still sad, even if you know it’s coming.

Losing control

Posted on by
7

I don’t.

Well, there was that one time, back in May last year. You know, Karl Spark and all that.

Then there was the time about 22 years ago.

It’s not that I am so controlled it’s just that I try to make sure it seems that I’m in control, whatever mixed-up, messed-up, emotional crap I may be having a battle with inside.

For example. Anger. Sure, I get angry but, generally, you’d never know it. And if I get angry, I always wait a little for the anger to subside before doing anything. I can seem angry at the drop of a hat and do this sometimes. It has the right effect. But, actually angry and showing it – not if I can avoid it.

I find it difficult when others around me show too much emotion. Crying for example. I don’t know what to do. Do I hug them? Do I place a hand on them? Do I tell them not to worry; that everything will be OK? Do I tell them to get a grip?

No, emotions I don’t do well. Better, by far, to avoid (theirs and mine).

Which is why the current situation is so difficult. Hmmmm.

I am frightened of going and losing control; of becoming caught up in the emotional thing; one might say – ‘of being human’. No, I don’t like that idea at all.

True Lies

Posted on by
7

Of course, one always has to read between the lines. The truth is out there but is not said.

In addition, I feel that, maybe, there’s something wrong with me. Or, maybe, it’s just circumstances. I feel nothing. Well, that’s not entirely true but I don’t feel as I feel I should feel. I wonder if that is because of the walls I have built, the ones that permit me to be safe but, from the outside, may make me seem cold and uncaring. Or should that be ‘unfeeling’?  I can put on a show but it’s inside that really counts.

“They’ve asked if we want a priest”. Nothing is said between us – between her crying and me being calm with the uneasy sensation of not having any feelings. I think we know what that means. I mean to say, I think that we agree on what that really means. Of course, we say nothing.

“Yes, they said he had a good night”

“Is he awake?”

“No, not yet. I need to ask some questions this morning. His brain was starved of oxygen”

Again, we both know what that means. Or, at least, I think we do. Again, we don’t say anything, for what is there to be said? Except the truth. So we hide behind the lie that, if he has ‘had a good night’ then all is well, which, of course, it is not. I strangely find some relief in that lie. And I can feel the feelings welling up inside me – which only makes me think and question why there was none before. I know that, if I were there, I would cry. But I am half a world away (not literally) and so I do not.

“I think he’s trying to get a flight today”

“Yes, he needs to come”

Of course he does. We both know that it may not be long now. We knew it before when he wasn’t eating. I suspected he was tired of it all; tired of life. Of course, I didn’t say anything then. She was much more determined to get him to eat but I think she understood what it all meant.

This is my view. Taken from brief conversations. Looking for the real meanings. Unable to ask the real questions. Why? Well, obviously, for fear of getting the real answers, I suppose.

Not, that’s not entirely true. Part of it was for fear of having no feelings. So, if I get no real answers I can have no real feelings. Like everything else in life, I prefer the true lies to the true truths, I guess. Then it means that, whatever feelings I have are not real feelings either. After all, real feelings may break down the wall and we can’t let that happen, can we?

I think about what may happen.  I discuss with F and try (very badly) to explain that I really don’t know what to do.  He tells me to do what I feel – and there’s the rub.  What do I feel? He suggests that I should go round but I don’t want to.  To go round – I know what that means.  I don’t even know the true feelings let alone the right thing to do.  I bluff that I won’t go round because of the people that might be there.  The people that, in some way, I blame for the split – even if the split was, in reality, because of us and not them.  But if I don’t see them then they can be nameless faces.  Not to I hate but to avoid.  For the truth of that is that it is better than looking for the true truth of that and better to have the true lie of that.

Of course, I’m also worried that, maybe, he will get the wrong idea about me being there to comfort him.  It was, sort of, mentioned by FfI when I phoned her to keep her informed.  Of course, I didn’t phone her to really keep her informed but to make sure that V had someone, having tried to get hold of other friends earlier without success.  I told her about the ‘priest’ thing but, of course, didn’t then follow that by the truth but rather by the true lies.

And now I write this – more to understand what is going on in my brain than to tell you anything.  It’s what I use this blog for.  Writing the true lies and the true truths just to get my head around it all and to discover the feelings that I do or don’t have.

Paralysis

Posted on by
9

I wonder – does the rabbit, caught in the headlights of the oncoming car, know that, if it doesn’t move, it will surely be splatted all over the road?

And, if it did know, why is it sat there, staring at the headlights?

If I don’t do this tonight, I will feel relief. But then I go through this tomorrow too. This continuous worry, constantly thinking about it.

And if I skip tomorrow, then it will have to be Thursday and then it’s almost the weekend and so, somehow, that’s OK.

Except, of course, it’s not OK at all.

And, because actually this thing is not really anything, at least not yet, then that’s a stupid feeling, for sure. But delaying it is not helping. No, not helping at all. And you, my lovely reader, would almost certainly not understand if I said what it was – but then, it’s not just the one thing it appears to be. Oh, no!

But, still, I feel like that rabbit. A rabbit with knowledge but nonetheless paralysed by fear!!!

It’s not a weakness, it’s just a feeling.

Posted on by
4

“It’s a balance”, he explains, holding his hands out, palms up, as if weighing something. “When one of you is stronger, the other is weaker”; the hands are not level now but one is higher than the other.

He’s talking to someone about their relationship.

“It’s like me and Andy”, he adds. “Andy is always…..” and, at this point he breaks off, pawing at the girl next to him, “…….and so, probably, it makes me seem cold”. “If Andy stopped”, he added, “maybe I would be different”.

“I don’t tell him that I love him”. I confirm this is true although adding that “you did say it to me twice” – not that I’m counting or anything.

He likes to do stories, though, to explain things. It’s kinda like Jesus and his parables. So he starts talking about his Aunt who was more like a grandmother to him and how he loved her (and so did his Mum) but they used to get annoyed with her sometimes for she seemed quite crazy (example – she wanted him to go to bed because it was school in the morning; he suggested that, if he went to bed ready to go to school (i.e. fully dressed), he could save time and get up later and and therefore could stay up later! She agreed!!!! So, at least on one occasion, he went to bed with the clothes on for school – this was obviously before he became the obsessive bathroom type) and was annoying but how, when she died, both he and his Mum wished they had let her do what she wanted. His point being that, even for the things that might seem to annoy us, we miss them when they’re not there any more.

And my only question – why doesn’t he take some of his own advice? Hmmph!

Of course, I could, were I to play this game, be a little bit colder myself; not always available; showing no affection, etc. Except, really, why bother? Why bother with all that crap?

And I know why he doesn’t take his own advice – because it makes him, in his view, weaker than me. But, you know, I don’t think that’s right. I don’t feel weaker than him just because I show more affection. Nor do I feel really ‘needy’. For me it’s simple. I love him; I want to be with him; I want to touch him and hold him. He makes me feel good. It’s OK for me to feel like that. If I’m not with him it doesn’t make the love go away. If I’m with him and can’t touch him it doesn’t mean I don’t want him any more.

But, if I get the chance to all of these things then I am very happy. for me, it’s a strength that I can still feel these things even if he stays cool. And, anyway, there are things that he does that tells me how much he loves me.

I want to tell him just to let himself go ……… it’s OK, I will be there to catch him.

In the meantime, here is this song, which I do like. In fact, I like most of the stuff the the Black Eyed Peas do.

Missing me; Tuscany, maybe?; Weather in Italy – when to have a holiday; In hot water; This blog

Posted on by
2

“Looking forward to seeing you and the babies”

It hasn’t been that long.

“We are still in the restaurant, eating outside. I imagine our holidays – with the babies”

I take them out of order and, probably out of context. It’s my blog and I can do what I want.

In fact, it is only since 5.45 this morning when I got up and left him to wake up more slowly. But he was getting up at 6 anyway. He was going to the store near Venice.

It is hot and sunny there and cooler and more rainy here. But the rain will pass. And, for our holidays, I hope it is not like other years and remains hot and sunny, even if it is the third week in August – not the best week for being on holiday here, in my experience.

In fact, if you wanted my advice, holidays in the Northern part of Italy should be taken in July for the hottest, sunniest weather, with June and September cooler (but still hot) but more risky for rainy days. August, around the 15th, is almost guaranteed rain!

But I did notice that, in the message I put at the start, I was mentioned first. I also realised that he is, really, really looking forward to going away with the dogs (and me).

He has an idea for Tuscany (this is NOT the holiday). The problem is the dogs (or the babies, as you will). His parents place means that we sleep in two very small rooms and he is concerned because they go to bed early (and are up early – which all sounds good to me) but (and I more than agree with him) it’s not so easy with the dogs. The flat, which he shares with his brother, is currently being used by some cousin or something.

I don’t know how many times I have to say that I was only joking (even if the reality was that I was only half-joking). His plan is that he goes down on the Friday and I follow Saturday afternoon. Then I stay Saturday night and I (or, maybe we) come back on Sunday.

“I want you to come to C”, he says. And I really think he does. And I don’t want to take the dogs to his parents. at least, not until they know me better or something. Gentle introductions are required here, I think. Even if they will never know who I really am and are unlikely to with the language barrier.

However, he is thinking of doing this in the next couple of weeks. Let’s see. With him, I can’t get too excited lest it doesn’t happen. His mind is still unfathomable to me. I know he thinks about things a lot but what actually goes on in his head is just impossible and I can’t follow his logic (if there is any) (and that’s after my advice to Lola earlier this afternoon hahahaha).

=======================================

We expect things to work and we certainly take things for granted. Yesterday, in my head, I was looking forward to the shower I was going to have.

Except after nearly three hours, the three men went away, leaving me with a brand, spanking, new boiler …………. which didn’t work!

Another guy came today to fix it. It took him a while but he has done it. It was a blockage!!  As I said to someone at work, today.  I had one guy to carry things, one guy to fit the boiler and one guy to watch them do it.  Now, I could add – and one guy to make it actually work!

So I went to lie down for a bit and then I heard the sound of someone coming in. It was my cleaner guy. Since he had to leave early yesterday (no water) he was going to add hours next Wednesday. Instead, he chose to come and do the ironing today.

So, tonight I have a long, hot shower AND I have all my shirts ironed.

Cool, if you see what I mean.

==========================================

Today, I was recounting the story of how F & I met. The girl, A, thought it was a lovely story. Of course, my blog allows me to recount the circumstances in more detail than I would ever remember and for which I am grateful. She also wanted to know how it was to be gay; when did I know?; what about girls?, etc. I explained. I have nothing to hide. She was a bit shocked but then, in this country, there is an unawareness about it all that still surprises me. I wondered if this is what it is like in most of the world. I am truly grateful that I was born and brought up in the UK.

But back to the blog. I’m not sure that I always say all of the really important things but I think I was, mostly, faithful with my recounting the story, since it was written at the time. It makes me wonder, if, in a few years time, some of the essence of the whole thing will be gone from the blog. It’s not really a diary, is it? It’s more a collection of random thoughts and random happenings in my life. Some things are deliberately missed (for various reasons); some things omitted by accident.

The boiler is being fitted; A dictionary that may help with training

Posted on by
2

Well, they’re here. There are three of them to fit a small boiler! Not sure why so many. Maybe it’s ‘cos siamo in Italia?

At least it’s being done although I think that if I’d not chased, I would still be at work now, waiting for the call. Anyway, the important thing is that there’ll be hot water for a shower tonight!

And, I’ve seen this book. S, my colleague brought it in this morning. It’s a ‘dictionary’ – or, at least, that’s what it’s called. From and to Italian………..

and……………

cane! Yes, dog. Apparently there’s also one for cats and one for something else. I intend to go and get one for F. I know he will love it! From what I can understand of it it’s really quite funny (and has serious points as well). It covers the dog’s behaviour and why and, I think, I hope, how to stop it if it’s not good. I intend to buy it this evening, assuming the men have finished here, which is almost certain to be before the bookshop closes.

S has bought it to try and train her dog – or, rather, stop it from barking at cyclists and cars and stop it doing some other stuff but, maybe, we’ll find some hints as to how to stop Dino licking (everything). Other than that, he’s almost perfect.

Well, I say that. There was the other evening when he growled at F and then tried to bite me. Not that he did bite me as he realised he should not but his jaws were round my wrist.

Since then we’ve been having some rather serious training to ensure that he knows that, in reality, he is the bottom of the pack and not, as he might have thought for a moment there, near or at the top!

The training includes the going in and out of everywhere last and not first. Still, after a week of this he has got the idea and now waits for everyone to go through before he comes. It’s a start, anyway.

Of course, as with any teenager, he’s only flexing his muscles a bit but it has to be stopped anyway.

We’ll see if the book can help with the training. Especially, ahem, with the training of F as, actually, it’s the things F does that allows Dino the thought that, maybe, just maybe, he may not be the bottom of the pack!

Murphy’s or some other law

Posted on by
Reply

The water starts to warm up. Of course it does! Today, after almost 2 weeks of not doing that, today, of all days, it starts to work!

What’s it called? Murphy’s Law? Or is that the one that says ‘what can go wrong will go wrong’? I am, of course referring to the law that says, at the moment you have decided/or are about to do something to fix something – it starts working again!

Today, apparently, is the day that the ‘technico’ comes to fit a new boiler. This is after almost two weeks of it being broken and me going round to F’s place for showers. And I’m getting fed up with it. I like my shower and I (yes, I’m aware that this sounds quite crazy) don’t feel clean enough! This after going round to someone to whom cleanliness is the reason for living!

I had asked the girl what time they were coming. Apparently, she didn’t know. I explained that it would take me one hour to return home from work. She said OK, she would ensure they rang me to give enough time and that, if I hadn’t heard from them by mid-day, I should give her a call.

It’s now 10.30. I haven’t heard yet. The phone is silent. I have not missed a call. I expect that I’ll be phoning her in an hour and a half. The reason that I hadn’t heard from the fat bloke (sorry – technico) before was that he had forgotten. I’m expecting him to have forgotten this fitting of a boiler too – or, if he’s not forgotten, to have found that he doesn’t have all the parts, or some other excuse.

Which means, probably, it won’t get fitted today. Which means, also, the hot water won’t be working tonight and so being squeaky clean will have to wait for another day.

Damn!