Well, as you know, I have opinions. They’re mine, of course. That is, they are part of me and won’t really change although they can become modified depending on circumstances or logic.
So, I was reading this from that dreadful newspaper and I find myself with my opinions again.
I don’t really understand why someone would go to court to try to KEEP someone who, quite obviously, doesn’t actually want to be with them.
I mean to say, I know it’s painful. Good grief, I’ve been there! But, sometimes, you just have to let go. Every time, I am reminded of something a once-good friend told me. Previously, he had ‘gone off’ with a younger model. I had warned him not to. However, after a time away he wanted to come back. I warned them both (him and his wife) that the only way it would work is for there to be no resentment (imho an impossible thing) – and so they got back together.
At the end, he went back to her because she, to all intents and purposes, had blackmailed him into going back. It was all so sad to watch and be part of. She, desperately unwilling to let him go.
And, then, years later, he confessed that he didn’t have a happy life.
She had wanted him back at all costs. But the balance had changed and they were now two different people. In fact, it was because of this whole thing that he is a “once-good” friend. He used me in a way that was unforgivable.
Years later still and I told him.
He hadn’t realised. But then he realised that it was true. I left them both before I would get to hate them for what they did (for they both used me).
We had, as the common phrasing has it, moved on. Or, rather, I had.
The thing is that the woman in the article and me and my once-good friend and his wife must all realise that we don’t actually OWN people. We can own a house or a car but we don’t own a living being. Sure, we say we own our pet but it’s not actually true. Its life is its own and, although they have less choice than us, they can share it in a good or a bad way. It’s just that, with pets, they tend to share it in a good way.
After all, we (pets and people) don’t speak to each other (in spite of what F says) and that’s probably half the battle. The problem with people is that we speak and, often, speak the wrong words at the wrong time. We also make things up in our heads (as to what someone thinks or what they meant when they said something) – and, of course, it may not be true at all.
We see what we want to see. Hear what we want to hear. Believe what we have already told ourselves.
Another friend once told me that relationships tend to finally break up some two years after the start of the breakup. My experience is this is true – both for partners and friends. It takes a couple of years for one or both to realise it’s finished. We cling on, hoping that somehow things will change, even as we know that they won’t.
I was with V for over 20 years and it all ended in seconds. And, yet, when I look back, it had started to break a couple of years before. And I knew it then, for we had a conversation, walking down the road, that I remember very well. I was trying to warn him. I failed, of course. And then, two years later or so, even after those few seconds of realisation, it took another 6 months (one could say a year or more) before it became properly ended.
And I can blame him, of course. But there are two of us. And, we are equally to blame.
And then I read this, from Gail.
I can’t reply to Gail directly, sorry, Gail. I too feel bad for her and how saddening it is for her but this is life. Maybe it has nothing to do with Gail and all to do with her friend – but, unfortunately, it probably has something to do with Gail too. There! No one else will say that, I know.
As with my once-good friend. After all, I was used but, to be honest, I could have saved our friendship by stepping away from being used. So my fault too, really.
And, anyway, I’m not stupid enough to think that it is all someone else’s fault. It rarely is and I don’t really do the ‘blame culture’ thing that we all seem to do now.
So, I’m sorry for the woman in the article – but sorrier that she couldn’t let it go. I am truly sorry for Gail, whom I consider a friend, but she is letting it go and I think that is correct. Maybe, in years to come, she will come to understand or be told, why. Maybe not. Either way, one must try to keep the good memories – much the same as when someone dies – don’t remember the last part for that is usually too sad – remember the good things that you had over the years. For the good things are what made the two of you be together all that time.
And, even if I write about V from time to time, there are things about him that I liked (that I still like, for underneath it all he is still the same) and I will remember those things with fondness.
And, like I always say, Gail, all these things seem to work out right in the end, even if we don’t see it right away.
But we don’t own people and neither can we understand the things that go on in their head – which may be false but we cannot help that. And for that reason, when it comes time to stop, then stop we must, for to try and hold on to something untenable is painful for us in so many ways.
And so my once-good friend and his wife stay together and, probably, try to snatch some moments of happiness in a situation that shouldn’t be. That’s got to be a sadder situation, hasn’t it? Like gripping a crumbling rockface when everyone else can see it about to come off in your hands.
) than a city near the Mediterranean!