The following first few lines have been translated.

Yes. As you probably already know, today is a special day for it’s none other than Talk Like a Pirate Day.
[Aye. As ye probably already know, today be a special tide fer `tis none other than Talk Like a Gentleman o’ fortune Tide.]

You can even do your own Pirate Personality check.
[Ye can e’en do yer own Gentleman o’ fortune Swabbieality check.]

This is my rating below:
[This be me ratin’ below]

You are The Quartermaster

You, me hearty, are a man or woman of action! And what action it is! Gruesome,
awful, delightful action. You mete out punishment to friend and foe alike
– well, mostly to foe, because your burning inner rage isn’t
likely to draw you a whole lot of the former. Still, though you may be
what today is called “high maintenance” and in the past was
called “bat-shit crazy” the crew likes to have you around
because in a pinch your maniacal combat prowess may be the only thing
that saves them from Jack Ketch. When not in a pinch, the rest of the
crew will goad you into berserker mode because it’s just kind of
fun to watch. So you provide a double service – doling out discipline
AND entertainment.

What’s Yer Inner Pirate?
brought to you by The Official Talk Like A Pirate Web Site. Arrrrr!

In the meantime, the most popular chat-up line would seem to be ‘Prepare to be boarded!’. Ah well, ye don’t expect good old Pirates to be too original, do ye?