Tag Archives: Relationships

Before the party

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I admit to being a little apprehensive.

Amongst other reasons it’s the flying. I mean I love to fly – I just don’t like all the security and time-wasting crap that goes on, as I have mentioned before. It makes me anxious. Really it’s about the most horrible people doing all this. I mean to say, sometimes they are nice but often they are not nice and sometimes downright rude.

Then there is the going to the UK. I find myself disappointed, usually, these days. Disappointed with the people, the weather, the food, even the coffee. Of course, it’s not ‘home’ any more, which, for certain is part of it.

Then there is the meeting with people who I haven’t seen for at least four years – some even more than that. It’s not that being with them again is the problem it’s the different circumstances. I relied on V to remind me who all these people were. This time, I will have to rely on my own memory.

Not for all of the people, of course.

Then there is the ‘what to say’ thing.

Indeed, what to say?

I will be asked how I am. For some, it won’t be enough for me to say ‘Fine, thanks’. But, how far to go? I don’t know that they want to hear ‘Fantastic! Never been better’, or some such thing. But it will be difficult to keep it in check.

And, then, of course, there is V. Since I have no idea (well, very little) on the reality of his situation, I guess that much of what he will say will be bullshit. And, even if it weren’t to be bullshit, I would think it were so, which is a great shame.

Still, there is the slight concern that he will want to get back together again. And I don’t want to be cruel or hurtful but, quite obviously, there would be no chance of that, even if I weren’t with F now.

So, although I am looking forward to the party, I am very much looking forward to Saturday evening, when I will be back home and it will all be over and all the things that have worried me will be in the past.

Yes, I am a little anxious. But I guess it will all be OK really.

Moving day?

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He’s flicking through the Mondo Convenienza magazine. Mondo Convenienza is like IKEA but in my mind better.

“I like Mondo Convenienza”, he says. I agree with him.

“If we move in together we can get all our furniture from there”

“But not a sofa. I like my sofa” (It’s actually a three-piece suite).

“But it needs to be covered”, he replies, adding, “and it will cost more than getting a new sofa!”

Of course, he is right but that’s not the point, as I try to explain.

I bought it when V and I started our life together. It was, at the time, a very expensive suite. My idea was that it would last forever – well, all my life. And it is still as good as when it was new – except the covers. It badly needs new covers.

“Well, we can get a new bed and things”, he says, understanding that, on this, I won’t move.

But, of course, the reason I’m telling you this is not because we were talking about a suite or a bed or, even, new furniture – rather that he was talking about if we move in together. And it was more of a serious conversation about it, if you see what I mean.

The time approaches. It may be a few years away yet but that’s OK. I can see it coming and one must take things slowly.

And, the more time we spend together, the more I enjoy our time together. So, roll on the moving day, I say :-D

Our rooms are just a little apart.

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Did I tell you that he’d as good as moved in?

Except, it’s not that much different really.

A colleague/friend, who is here for temporary work, has his flat. He goes there to shower sometimes and also to take clean clothes and do washing and stuff. He arrives at my place, more or less, at the usual time. He is covering for another colleague so is working more (including some Saturdays and every Sunday) and, so, it is the same.

Of course, now that Rufus is no longer with us, we could, in theory, spend more time at his place. At least until the puppy arrives. I wonder if we will, when the colleague/friend leaves in the middle of February?

Someone asked me the other day, “When will you guys move in together?”.

As I explained, it really is up to him. A friend of his is moving out of her flat. It is a nice flat and would be big enough for the four of us. The other night when we were out with An, she was talking about, maybe, sharing a flat with someone. It moved to how difficult sharing was – you have to really gel with the person to be able to do this – unless you are a couple, when it is a different thing.

He then mentioned the flat of his friend. He likes the flat, as do I. He said that he could fit all his CDs in the hallway – which he could.

I pointed out that the only problem was the bathroom – which is very small, has no bath (which he likes to use) and has no window.

But it would be big enough for us to spread out a bit. We could safely be in different parts of the house and not even hear each other.

Sometimes, I wonder how long it will be before we move in together. Mostly I don’t, as we already do, our separate rooms are just a few street apart, that’s all :-D

OK, so this is WEIRD!

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It may be that, although I am writing this, it is too ‘disturbing’ to post. We shall see. If I post it, I shall leave this bit in and warn you that you may choose not to read it, which is fine by me. At least you will understand that I was, in some way, reluctant to post it but feel that it should be posted.

Continue reading →

I’m lucky.

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I have a piece of advice.

Don’t go and open the box unless you’re sure you want to know. Sometimes (often), once open, the box can never be closed.

And I’m not talking about the box on the table in my lounge, here.

This piece of advice has come to mind a few times over the last few days. It first (in my memory) applied to a friend who was thinking about embarking on an affair. I suggested that it wasn’t a wise thing to do. I said that, once he had done it, there was no going back and that he would stand a chance of dying a lonely, unhappy old man.

He opened the box anyway. He’s still with his wife but, so he has said, unhappy. I predict that he will, whilst not ‘lonely’ in terms of having no people round him, die a lonely, unhappy old man with the regret that he did, in fact, open the box.

V did the same, imagining that the thing inside the box was fabulous. Of course, there is always a chance that the thing inside IS fabulous! I hope it is for him.

And there is another person who desperately wants to open the box. She’s been married for many, many years. She recently went with her husband and some friends to a big bar/club where older people, of between 30 – 60, go when they are single, to find that perfect someone to love. She said it was sad but wants to go again – and go to another. The friends she was with had met at this place and the woman confided in her that she misses the place and comes back when she can. I said that it was dangerous for her to go, given other circumstances surrounding her age and her marriage (although I didn’t add that bit).

This is just like I told her it was dangerous to go sniffing around on Facebook. Instead, she got an account and went sniffing anyway. Unfortunately, having not been able to find what she wanted, it has not taken any of the distress away, since she thinks (and possibly rightly so) that it is there but she is not been able to check because of security settings on people’s accounts.

This morning, she had a row with her husband. After staying awake all night (thinking about it all). I don’t know the details but I know (from a conversation she had with someone else) that it has to do with Facebook and something that has been happening for a year (they were both 50 last year and that was a cause for a mid-life crisis for both of them).

But, sometimes, in life, it’s better to turn a blind eye and not open the box. Knowledge is not, necessarily, a good thing. Sometimes less knowledge is better.

I tried to ignore my knowledge but during the last four years with V it became more and more difficult and, eventually, impossible.

This is, of course, not a new thing. Pandora’s Box was all about this, in effect. The apple and the serpent were another version of the box. So this dilemma is as ‘old as the hills’. I’ve done it myself and am fortunate that everything turned out OK in the end. Well, at least for me.

But, I’m watching this woman do the same and know that a probable result will not make her happier. She becomes more intrigued and more determined to find things out, the more her knowledge grows. Or is it that she has the knowledge but not the confirmation? Maybe it’s the confirmation? Either way, I think she should leave well alone.

Our curiosity and/or inability to have faith in someone else leads us to open the box. And, opening the box does not always make us happy.

So, if I had my time over again, would I have opened the box (actually several boxes)? For me, yes, because it led me here. In general, I wouldn’t advise others to do it – unless they are really prepared for the consequences. For certain, if I had not opened those boxes I would not be here now. And, maybe I would have been happier but I can’t see how I could be happier than now.

But, then, as I’ve said many times. I am a very lucky person.

I give you my favourite singer/songwriter who, quite possibly feels the same as me :-)


Joan Armatrading – I’m Lucky

Thinking is the problem.

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Of course, I do know that it can be considered a ‘failing’.

V used to say that I was too nice. Some people may think that I’m a bit of a walkover.

The reality is that, until otherwise proved, I tend to take things at face value. Other people can do the convoluted, twisted thinking for me.

It’s not that I don’t think things through. No, not at all. It’s just that I prefer to live my life assuming that everyone means exactly what they say. Sure, I am met with some disappointments from time to time – but nothing really to shake my conviction that most people are inherently honest. Misguided, maybe, but honest.

So, I have mentioned to some people about the phone calls at Christmas and New Year from V’s parents (because I was so delighted to get them) and the invitation (which I may not have mentioned before) to Ay’s birthday party.

You see, she’s 21 this year. This is the girl that, almost 21 years ago, slept in my arms whilst V was up worrying about her; the baby that quite happily accepted curried goat from me at some party when she was only a few months old; the girl that used to run to me so that she could sit on my knee and read her latest school book to me; the girl that still calls me Uncle Andy.

So, quite obviously, without any thought, when C asked me if I could come because “Ay really wants you to be there”, I immediately said ‘yes’.

And, since then, I have thought about the fact that V will be there. Well, he must be there. But it’s not important for I am there for Ay and, anyway, I don’t harbour any bad feelings. A little hurt, maybe, by his decision to cut me off, but I don’t hold any grudge or anything.

Although, of course, it will be a bit strange to see him after all this time.

Of course, I didn’t put any store by the actions that, to me, were separate and isolated. The phone calls from his parents were not connected to the invitation from C, Ay’s mother and one of my favourite members of V’s family.

Why should I add any ulterior motive to all this? It is Ay’s 21st. I am honoured to be invited and, of course, I should be there. And F agrees. His only thing was ‘Please don’t ask me to come’ – but I didn’t intend to do that – that would make the thing charged with some tension, which would not be right, it being Ay’s day/night.

But people (or some people) can’t believe that this is all good. First there is the disbelief that F is OK with this. But, why not? He told me that I should go. But there’s got to be some jealousy, I get told. But why? Surely, at my time of life, I can do without jealousy? I try to explain. At my age I won’t be finding someone who has no ‘past’. It’s just not possible. More than that, the person will have had at least one, long-term, serious relationship before me. Actually, if they haven’t then I would question why? There has to be something wrong with them (or they are extremely unlucky) if they haven’t.

But, the upshot of all this is: They have a past. It makes them who they are. I cannot change it and, so, I should embrace it. If they still loved the ‘old’ lover, then they would still be with them, wouldn’t they? It’s true for me and so, in my thinking, it is true for everyone – unless or until I am proved wrong.

Not loving the ‘old’ lover doesn’t mean they don’t like them. After all, if they’ve been with them for a long time, there must have been a reason and that reason should still be there. It’s other factors that make us turn our backs on the past.

I am not jealous of F’s ongoing relationship (as friends) with his exes. It’s OK by me. I have met them and I like them. They are nice. Nor, do I think he has any problem if I want to speak to V. He understands (I think) that we broke up because we were not suited any more. That hasn’t changed. We’re still not suited. The relationship was finished and, to be honest, I have no desire to go back to the place I was three years ago. Now, I am happier and more content than ever before.

But, it seems, others are thinking that the phone calls and the invitation might be connected. As a way of pulling us back together. This is because, it seems, V is still not back with this ‘husband’. So someone has suggested that this might be an attempt to ‘get us back together’.

Of course, now that someone has mentioned it, it does cross my mind that it could be a reason – even if I think not. But you know how these niggling doubts happen. How they can get out of hand.

The thing is that it just won’t happen. V was (and is, probably) a wonderful person, in many ways. But not to live with. Not to be with, in a relationship. Now, whatever he tells me will be fine. Even if it is bullshit. For how will I know? More importantly, why should I care?

I was asked that, if they have got back together, how I would feel about seeing him with someone else? Well, to be honest, I really don’t mind. All I hope is that he is happy – whatever he’s doing and whomever he’s with. For I am happy and I want him to be too. I’m certain that all my life has led to this and this is a great point in my life. And he has played a part in this and, so, I want the same for him.

But I come back to my original thought – why shouldn’t I take all this at face value?

People are, I am sure, inherently good and honest. It’s all this thinking that does for them.

I’m concentrating on practical stuff.

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Everything’s kinda a bit fluid right now.

Having made the ‘decision’ and then being unsure, yesterday afternoon made the decision definite. In the end, I broached the subject with F. He asked what we would do with the body. I said I would leave it with the vet. He said no, we should have the ashes because Rufus needs a tome. Well, when he said it it sounded like tome but in fact he meant tomb, of course. Still, it made me smile – inwardly since smiling outwardly would have been very incorrect – and neither did I, on this occasion, correct his pronunciation.

But, in fact, he doesn’t mean tomb either. I’m pretty sure that what he wants is an urn with the ashes. It’s a concession I’m OK with.

He also told me that, when it comes time for Dino, I am not to tell him at all but just do it. Of course, Dino, he wants stuffed! Anyway, that’s 10 years away so who knows?

We are in Italy.

I woke up about 4 a.m. and couldn’t sleep. I got up and researched pet cremation in Italy. Surprisingly enough, it’s not that difficult. I found two places almost immediately. They collect, do their thing and return the ashes to you.

So, this morning, after I had taken them for a walk, I went to the vet. I had questions. Do they do a cremation and return ashes service? How much does it cost? If not or it’s too expensive, can they keep the animal while the other service comes to collect? How much does that cost?

Yes, they can do it but it’s very expensive – €400. No, they couldn’t keep it but they would give it back for me (to carry home – which is not ideal – dead animals always seem heavier, somehow). Just to do the putting down would cost €100.

I come back home and check out the services I had found last night. Yes, one of them costs €200 (plus €20 for delivery of the urn). They need 12 hours notice for collection.

So, the end result was €400 or €320 (with me carrying him home). I’m going with the first. F said he would pay but I won’t let him.

Oh, yes, and they can only do it on Monday. So, I will have to take a day off work. Ah well, it has to be.

I am so much more tolerant with Rufus now. He’s been getting treats. I let him off the lead in the dog areas and he’s allowed to eat kakka if he wants (it makes no difference now), we walk always at his pace (except when crossing roads if I can’t help it). He is getting lots of patting and stroking. He has been a wonderful dog. But he stays very close now. I think he has had enough, if you see what I mean.

But, is it wrong of me, I am looking forward to getting a new puppy sometime in the near future? I say it’s for Dino, of course. But, I think, secretly, it’s for me too. And, maybe, it’s also a way to look beyond Monday? Yes, I think it’s that.

The vet doesn’t think it’s a good idea to bring Dino too. However, I think I will. I want Dino to understand that Rufus is not coming home. Otherwise, he will always look for him. Like he looks for F.

I’ve emailed V and I’ll do it again. But I’m not expecting any response. It’s OK.

And we get to spend the weekend with Rufus.

In other news, yesterday, I finally got keys to F’s flat. This is a) just in case he loses or forgets his and b) in case he needs me to go there for something if he is away. And, I guess, because he loves me. From Monday, someone is coming to stay at his flat so he will be staying with me – for a month or so. In reality, of course, it makes no difference since he does, more or less, stay here all the time anyway. Still, it’s good that he is, although I’m possibly not as excited about those two things as I would have normally been but I think you can understand.

On being not sure.

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Of course, it’s all better today. In fact, it’s as if we have returned to several months ago.

And, this time it’s different. I have F to consider. And it’s his birthday today. So, not today then.

And I am tormented by the should I/shouldn’t I thing. As last time. But last time was different. I made the decision and wasn’t with F. It was more of a joint decision.

On the one hand, there is the fact that I am on holiday until the 9th. This means that I get several days with Dino before I have to leave him alone.

Also there is the fact that, should the same thing happen, for example, next week, it could be a whole day before I am able to clean up. And it would mean going to do it in the evening. Or taking time off work (which is not the problem – only that I would then have to go into work, leaving Dino alone) to go in the morning.

On the other hand – what if that were only a temporary thing? What if it doesn’t happen again for months? What if he keeps going until Easter? Until the weather gets warmer?

And now he seems more attached to F. And F doesn’t even want to think about it nor discuss it.

It makes my gut wrench.

It makes my heart bleed.

If only he hadn’t seemed much better this morning. No pees or poohs to clean up. Not even a pee until we got outside!

I have stopped giving him any medication and he seems even better.

Except, maybe, he isn’t eating. I’m not sure.

In fact, I’m not sure about anything.

Bugger!

Wonderful time and fantastic surprises.

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Well, I suppose I’d better start by wishing my faithful readers a glorious and happy 2012. And to say sorry for not posting over the festive period.

Christmas was, as expected, wonderful, even if I did wake on Christmas morning with what seemed like ‘flu. I ignored it. I felt much better by Wednesday.

So the highlights were:

The best present I got from F was not the vaporetto (steam cleaner) that F was so delighted with giving me but the snow globe with the pictures of the dogs inside. Don’t get me wrong, the vaporetto is wonderful but I think that if I tell you that F’s excited question (as if a small boy with a new toy) later on Christmas Day of ‘Shall we use the vaporetto now?’ you will agree that nothing more needs to be said.

V’s Dad phoned me on Christmas Day. It was such a nice surprise and I was speechless. They never phone. They hardly ever phoned when V and I were together and so it was such a wonderful ‘present’. His Mum phoned on New Year’s Day to wish me Happy New Year. So nice of them.

On Christmas Day we cooked together most of the morning and ate together most of the afternoon. I couldn’t have wished for anything better (well, I suppose I could have wished for no ‘flu – but I’m not complaining). We opened presents, we had fun.

Of course, not everything was perfect over the period. I learnt that he really doesn’t have patience and also that he really doesn’t like the fact that I won’t argue with him – but really! A light in the bathroom, overcooked lentils, not being able to fit the roasting net over the cotechino, not being perfectly ready in time for our New Year’s Eve guests – none of these things are actually important things. Well, not to me, anyway. The light in the bathroom deserves it’s own post. Oh yes, and in addition to the lack of patience and me not arguing, one could add that he doesn’t listen to me – but then, that’s not really new :-)

I know that, for a lot of people, they are glad to see the back of 2011 but not me. It was a wonderful year and one of the happiest I’ve ever had. I hope that 2012 will be the same both for me and for all you out there.

Nightmares before Christmas

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“Did you lock the door?”

I don’t know why I had woken but I have my suspicions. I answered that I had, not knowing, really, if that were true but being pretty sure that I locked it when I came back from walking the dogs. Of course, I couldn’t get up to check it for that would highlight my doubts and, right now, even in my half-awake state, I knew that ‘doubt’ was not required nor desired.

“Did you hear that noise?”

This was moments later. I didn’t check the time right then but later I realised it was about an hour after I had got to sleep.

“Turn the light on”, he demanded. I did. “Do you want me to go and check?”, I asked. “Yes”, came the response.

I got up. “I’m coming with you”, he said.

I walked into the lounge and then the hallway, turning lights on as I went. The lights were for two reasons. 1 – just in case Rufus had done a pee and 2 – because F was frightened.

I had asked, just before I went to sleep – “Do you watch these [horror] films when you are on your own?”

“Never”, came the reply.

He makes me laugh even if I was up and about when I should have been asleep!

And, as a treat, a clip from one of my all-time favourite Christmas films :-D