Irrational Feelings?

I have a fear of certain places, as I have mentioned before. Hospitals are one, where, I just can’t get it out of my head that, if I enter, someone will spot I have some dread disease and I will never leave.

Another, probably worse, is prison. I have never visited a prison and, I truly hope, never will – either as an inmate or a visitor.

So, when I heard that a colleague is in prison, in a foreign country, there is a sick feeling in my stomach. I feel for him and I am frightened for him. It was the first day of his holiday there. From what I can tell, he has been in prison for two days now. He must feel very lonely being thousands of miles from home and, although he can speak English well, it must be difficult for him (typical British understatement).

If it were me I would be so scared. And then I think what if it were V or someone who is really close? How would I cope with it all? I cannot even imagine the horror of it if it were me. His family are struggling at the moment and I feel for them too but for him, he must feel in the middle of some nightmare and wishing he would wake up. I really hope, with all my heart, that it’s all over very quickly and he is back home soon.

The point of no return and things to be missed

I am at home today. First I have had one removal firm come round and quote. I really wanted two different quotes. One for all our furniture (just in case) and one for the things I am taking. I ended up with one – for all our furniture. It is quite a lot of money. I can afford it but wish that it were cheaper.

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Lying and the “HELP V” button

I’m sorry, I lied. To you. Yesterday. I mean, the things I wrote were true and they were good things. But it wasn’t how I was really feeling.

One of the things about the blog writing that I like is that I can say what I want. And, I can use it as I want. Yesterday was, in fact, quite a bad day for several reasons. I use things to make me feel different than I really feel and one of those is to bury my head in the sand, a little, by not facing up to my fears (only sometimes and, I hope, under control). Another way is to think of only positive things.

Often these things work. Sometimes they don’t. I never know which way it will go.

As it happens, it got worse during the day.

It got better, though, that evening when, during a conversation with V, I realised that, perhaps, the light was beginning to dawn in his head and that he seemed to be trying to face up to his own responsibilities. Of course, this was mixed with the feeling of SO wanting to help, take him my arms and make everything all right for him again.

It’s a dangerous situation, I know. He has always been my wild, social side and I have always been his serious, logical side. Together, it worked for so long; apart, well……..

I guess that we know each other too well; know how to press the right buttons: know how to get what we want – apart from the things that we can’t control, like me giving in to the things (I mean physical things) he wants to purchase and him, maybe, giving in to a lifestyle that’s a little ‘older’ than he would really prefer.

Of course, as a result of last night we are on the way, possibly, to reconciliation although, given the seriousness of the problem, I really don’t know if it is possible or, even, desired. Is that terrible of me?

In any event, the reconciliation will be a long and, I suspect, painful process. The last time we went through something like this it took 10 months and for most of those months we never saw each other. This time, I suspect, it will be much longer and much more difficult.

Of course, it could be made longer/shorter by his need for help, which immediately presses my “HELP V” button. Bugger.

Yes, I know, Cecilieaux, you are probably screaming at the computer right now, as you read this ‘DON’T DO IT’. And, of course, you would be right. I know I should reject the calls for help, implied or explicit and I will certainly be struggling to ‘do the right thing’.

Anyway, I’m sorry that I lied to you yesterday but it did help me to remember the good bits and your comments about those good things were also helpful, so, thanks.

Let’s talk about Net; It’s hardly working; Still, ‘no’ won’t come out of my mouth

Lets_talk_about_Net_Its_hardly_working_Still_no_wont_come_out_of_my_mouth

You have to sing the title to the tune of “Let’s talk about sex!”, if you see what I mean. At least, that was what was going through my head as I thought of the title.

Firstly, sorry to those of you who couldn’t read my blog yesterday. There was going to be a post but at about 9.30 a.m. or so our time, my blog went off-line. There then followed a slightly bizarre exchange of comments between me and the hosters of this site – 000webhost.

It started off OK. Instead of saying that the website was down, which is what I usually do, because I knew it was something to do with the database, I went for that instead.

They replied that I would have to upgrade if I wanted help with scripts. I didn’t as that wasn’t the problem. But then I had to go into more lengthy explanations as to why it was down.

Eventually, at about 3 in the afternoon they came back with “it will be fixed very shortly”.

By the time I got home and got my creaky, old laptop up and running, it had been about 3 hours. I rated this as a reasonable time to start asking again.

I got the reply that “it can take up to two hours”. Now I know that this is hosted somewhere where English is not a first language and it is completely free, so I feel I have to cut them a bit of slack. And, having taught English as a Second Language, I am aware of the way that something can be miss-said. So, I didn’t go mad but thought that, perhaps, what they really meant was that it might take up to another 2 hours. I responded to clarify my thinking.

It seems I was right. But the reply was a typical, non-mother-tongue-English speaker, using the word hardly instead of hard. It happens a lot here too. The response included the line “Our head admin is hardly working on it”. It makes me laugh every time. At work or with friends I do, gently, correct them. For those of you who are Italian it should read “Our head admin are working hard on it” or, even better, “Our head admin are working very hard on it”; hardly being very little – almost nothing and hard being very much.

So, this is being written at home and I may get it up there tonight but, probably, it will be tomorrow (i.e. Saturday).

So, I apologise for being off-line but that’s life and the hosting people are, overall, one of the best free hosters I’ve come across. I am toying with the idea of paying for it and moving more sites there but I will wait a little longer.

In other news, you’ve probably read about the British arm of Google/You Tube cutting off the supply to premium British content over the wrangling about how much they pay the artists. Now, in my opinion, there are pros and cons for both sides. However, the Music Industry need to get real. If you can’t find it on You Tube, because it’s been blocked, the obvious place to go is one of the more illegal download places – and then the Music Industry lose the money all together. It all seems a bit crazy to me. A little like the Luddites from the past. I realise that someone has to work out a new model but burying your head in the sand is just not the way.

And, as I suspected, I was asked something else – not the same as before (and that question may, even, still be open) – but very, very similar. Of course, I could not refuse but it makes me very, very nervous. And, of course, if I get let down again, this time, it will make things much more difficult in the future but, at least, I shall be more likely to say ‘no’, I guess.

Well, if it all goes horribly wrong then I shall, no doubt, lose my new flat and then I am likely to be very angry. However, all things being equal, I sign up a week on Tuesday and move in on the 15th of next month. I can’t wait! It will be home, at last, in a country that should feel home (and does, when I’m away from it), rather than a place of transience.

Tonight (or last night as you read this) we are off to FfI’s for a supper and drinks. It should be nice.

Update: Up early this morning. Worried about the question asked. The things that need to be done. There’s a lot of reliance on me; a lot of trust that I need to have but is, sadly, lacking. And yet, still I can’t say “no”. Damn!

Rufus and Dino seem better; Birthdays and Anniversaries – not my fault; Ragù and Bolognese Sauce

The good news is that the dogs seem much better. But now I have a couple of bags of expensive food to use up and I hate to see things going to waste so now I’m mixing it with the cheaper food and we shall see what happens. However, Rufus has developed something on his tail – this may be a result of the food since he developed a problem with his skin when we first came here – all because of food.  So my experiment with the more expensive dog food will end with the end of these two bags. We shall go back to the cheapest available.

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Can’t Fit, Won’t Fit; I know, let’s wake everyone up!; Sending emails to Gmail accounts is difficult!

I know that V will survive without me but, sometimes, I wonder how?

I mean, take last night as an example. He arrived home and asked me if I had a washing machine where I was going. I replied in the affirmative. He suggested that we could get one for free from a work colleague and all we had to do was pick it up. This would, indeed, be useful as the washing machine no longer works and both of us are fed up with hand washing.

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The Unravelling and update

Today is one of those days. Whilst everything is going OK (at work and at home, given all the situations), I have this slightly strange feeling that, in a single moment, one little thing could mean that everything starts unravelling and collapse in a jumble on the floor.

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Didn’t we have a loverley time, the day we went to Parma?

Didn't we have a loverley time

Yesterday. It’s wet. And cold.

To be honest, anywhere in the cold, very damp conditions of today, looks quite grim. Plus, I arrive at the station – never the best place to see a city. Add to that, that, I may have paid extra for a 1st class ticket with a guaranteed seat but it’s the first time the train has been used that morning and the heating isn’t working in the carriage, after an hour’s journey it’s not really going to place you in the best frame of mind.

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A party – or something else?

I mean, it’s a nice idea but, the last time that we did a party with many different types of friends was when we did the ‘Leaving for Italy’ party. That was a very special event as we did not know how often, if at all, we would see these friends again. And, in fact, we have not seen most of you since we left for Italy. This may have something to do with the fact that we rarely come back to the UK.

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