Daily Archives: 16 October, 2009

I notice an uncanny resemblance

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He calls me.  It is so nice to hear his voice.  He is very excited about his trip.  First he is going to view some flats as he wants to move before Christmas.  After Christmas, at work, he gets too busy from January until March and March will be too late.  He has decided that he will choose a flat by the end of today.

I want to say ‘Move in with me!’  I don’t, of course.  I am being patient and, anyway, he would not.

I tell him of my plan to speak Italian next time we are together.  He likes that, he says and I can tell that it is true.  Well, we can try, anyway.  I knew he would like it and it’s a little thing I can do.  But, of course, it’s a big thing really.  Well, big for me, that is.

He flies out at 6 something.  I want to go to the airport to see him off but I won’t.  And yet, I wonder, it’s these little impulsive things that I am good at and holding myself back like this may not be the right thing.  I don’t know.  I don’t really know how to handle it now that we are this much older.

He will phone me later.  I think he feels the same thing as I do only different.  He sent me pictures with his email.  One of them is particularly good.  I would post it but I can’t – you know that.

I open it up to send to FfI.  I notice an uncanny resemblance to Karl!  I wonder why that is, if it’s some sort of in-built thing.  I remember the Weasel from that dinner – and again, it’s the same type of face.  Hmm.  And it’s not because they look like Karl, I know that, it’s just that they all look similar and they’re all the ones I have fallen for.  It’s a strange world.

Some little things?

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I already bought a bottle of white wine.  It is in the fridge – just in case.  Next time I’m at his house, I will check which shower gel he uses, just in case.  There will be other things.

I write an email.  I try to explain the Karl Spark and the fact that, actually, after expressing my doubts yesterday, here, I feel there is that Karl Spark and that I don’t want it to frighten him away.  I compare him to the best chocolate cake in the world, ever.  I know he will understand as this is a simile he has used.

I think he probably won’t get it until he is home.  We text during the day and speak whilst he is on the train, on his way home.  I tell him that, if he didn’t have so much to do, I would meet him from the train.  But I am trying to play it cool.

I go to see A.  It seems weeks since I saw him.  He wants to find out what is going on but, also, to talk about his own shit.  My doubts are all gone now.  At least, for the moment.  The things that worry me are insignificant and nothing to worry about.

I walk back home (the tram will be a long time).  I check my messages on my phone as I walk.  Gordon has sent me an email.  I ask if this is good or bad.  He says he thinks it is good.  I ask if I can phone him when I read it, in about 5 minutes.  He says that he is going to bed but that, of course, I can.

I read the email.  It’s so sweet.  He compares me to a volcano.  I’m not sure I’ve ever been compared to that before?  He explains that he doesn’t want to get hurt, nor cause someone else hurt and so, he needs to be sure of his feelings.  He promises a meeting soon.  A meeting where we can kiss and hug and more.  I know that is true.  The building of trust is important.  And he needs to trust me and so I will make sure he can.

He says he doesn’t write so well (and although his English is good, it must be difficult).  He would prefer to speak to me face-to-face.  Me too.  But I also write.  A lot.

I call him.  I don’t remember what I say – it’s enough (although not enough) to hear his voice.  I cut it short as he is tired.

We text this morning.  Him first (again), which bugs me and makes me happy at the same time.  We will speak later before he flies off to see the Diva on Saturday.  Already I am looking forward to next week.  I don’t know when but am hoping for Tuesday.  Even if it is a school night, I don’t care.

And, just to show you what this all means I am seriously thinking that I should start speaking Italian to him……….it’s my way of being able to show trust and a willingness to ‘fit in’ to his world.  What do you think?