I love my new computer! It means that, whilst I write this I can listen to some greats, like Melanie’s Ruby Tuesday.

Now, I ask you, what shall I do? I mean to say, really, it’s a rhetorical question, since, even if you gave me any advice I’d still go with my gut at the time.

However, the dilemma is this: Gordon has made it very plain that this ‘thing’, if we have one, has to go slowly. He needs the time to think through his feelings and he doesn’t want to be hurt nor hurt anyone else (which, I guess, would be me). This ‘thing’ cannot be rushed.

He is, absolutely, right, of course. One cannot tell if, after a number of weeks or months, one actually finds that the person that initially seemed so appealing, is, really just annoying or, worse, not attractive (either physically or mentally). It’s a risk, of course. Jump in now and take the risk that within 1 week/2 weeks/1 month, etc. It’s all over.

On the other hand, my view is considerably different. Firstly, the person that you are ‘with’ is not perfect. There will be things that annoy you, frustrate you, make you mad or sad or bad. They may not get on with your friends, your parents, fit in with the way you want your life to be, etc. What one does, of course, is some sort of compromise, something where there is give and take. You find the things you don’t like and, if you really want to, you either put up with it or the other person, if they really want to, adapt their behaviour accordingly.

Many times, these things are, in reality, trivial. Things such as the infamous ‘leaving the lid off the toothpaste tube’, throwing dirty clothes on the floor, etc. Many times, the person won’t even know that it annoys the other person. Sometimes if it is just pointed out to them, they can and will modify their behaviour.

At the end of it all, it’s about living together as a unit, as a couple.

The trouble is that, in my mind, it really doesn’t matter if it’s 20 minutes, 20 hours, 20 days, 20 months or, in my most recent experience, 20 years! So, at what point do you consider it ‘safe’ to try?

See, for me, the fastest and most secure way, is to get together immediately. OK, this is really for me. If I am ‘attached’ to someone, I stop looking at anyone else. I don’t even notice them. They mean nothing to me. My whole being is focused on the person to whom I am attached. They get my complete and full attention.

And, in this situation, I am at a loss as to what to do. What if Gordon decides, in, say, 1 month, that we should just remain friends? And if I have dumped all the ‘potentials’, I have to start all over again. So, I am trying to keep the channels open without committing. Really, in my head, I want to tell them all that I’m no longer available – but, that’s not necessarily true.

There is another option. Tell Gordon. Be upfront with him. Explain the situation and how I feel and what it’s all about and ask him how I’m supposed to cope with this; manage it or how we move forward, without jeopardising it all. However, when to do this? I mean by that, what is the right time? Now, tonight? When I am alone with him, in the car? It’s not perfect – after all, he will get out of the car and start to think about it all.

Of course, I know the perfect time. The perfect time is in bed. This is when you hold each other close and is the closest that you can be. This is the right time. But that’s not for a few days, at least, maybe, even the weekend. Will this be too late?

I don’t want to start something with lies and half-truths. I’m not good at that anyway. He must know that (well, he kind of does know) I am actually looking; we have discussed that anyway – what we are all looking for.

I could do it in a way that seems as if I am asking his advice. Leaving him to take the initiative.

Oh, but I know myself too well. I can’t afford to wait. Although, right this moment, there is only Gordon, tomorrow is another day……..and I don’t want that, I don’t want to see someone else, see someone that I think is better. I want only Gordon.

I’m sure (really certain) that Cecilieaux would say that I should take it easier……..but I am dangerous on my own, without having someone to focus on

So, having written this, I do need to find a way to explain and tell him. I also need to decide when and I don’t want it to ruin tonight – but tomorrow night I am supposed to be seeing someone else (this was arranged a little while ago). I want to cancel tomorrow. I want to cancel them all – to wait for Gordon but it may not be wise to do that.

So, yes, I must find a way and must do it and must do it soon. Maybe tonight, if the time is right………..I just didn’t want it to be rushed, to be without holding, without a closeness that will not be there tonight.

After all, it is really my need, not his and it has to be something that comes across in the right way……

Relationships – bloody difficult – which is why I said, some months ago, that I wasn’t going to do them again…..but, of course, that’s not really me either, is it?

Again, a rhetorical question. Thanks for listening.