Livers and spots

It’s always the hands, isn’t it? They’re the give-away. You can always do something with other parts but there’s little you can do with your hands except, maybe, wear gloves. Except that I don’t do anything. My idea has always been to grow old gracefully or, rather, just grow old.

So, the lines on my face multiply and grow deeper and longer; my belly hides more of what’s beneath it; my bones click and creak, stiffen and have pain for no reason (and although many Italians and older Brits would blame the weather or the change of weather, I don’t for I know it’s not that, it’s just a time thing – and, by that, I mean the passage of time); my throat has developed what I can only liken to the wattle of a chicken and, finally, I have small areas on the backs of each hand that are slightly darker, like freckles but are, of course, liver spots.

They, like when the skin on the backs of your hands becomes thin and almost translucent, are signs of extreme old age. Or, at least, that’s what I’ve always thought.

And, I’ve noticed here, on the beach, that they seem to be multiplying at an extraordinary rate – even in the last few days.

I guess it could be the sun. Or the smoking. Or both. Or, just old age although I had always thought that liver spots were something reserved for those who had passed retirement time – some time before their appearance.

It seems not. Or, at least, not for me!

It’s not that they look so bad – just that they exist at all! And, instead of fading against the tan I am getting, they seem to look worse!

Anyway, I’ve finished The Bat. It was OK. I suspect that Lola quite fancies the author, whose picture was on the cover. Today, I’ve started The Goldfinch by Donna Tartt. This is a thick book. Let’s see how long this keeps me going!

Realisations

Written Friday, 8th August.

It’s 3 something and I’m awake. For 2 nights I’ve slept all the way through and now no!

I’ve got crap floating around my head. Did I pay the car tax that was due In April? Did I understand that woman correctly and was it only a week’s holiday they were having?

And then, suddenly, is this all just some elaborate set-up? Some convoluted hoax? Some way to “get me” or “get at me”?

And I realised that the man was a real bully. And I also realised that J was right that time when she said I was just like him, for I was! And, therefore, changing my life when I did was crucial. It was the only way to stop “the rot”.

But, in my defence, I had thought (without any thinking involved) that it was the way to be! How was I supposed to know any differently?

Bullying and controlling. That was what I learnt from an early age.

But, I also realised (now) that I must be watchful. I must be on my guard. It must not happen again to me! I must not be that person; must not be a reflection of him.

It’s hot again today. As if summer had been waiting until we could relax and enjoy it. The beach, really empty when we arrived at 8.45 is starting to fill up and is noisier now. People are really noisy, aren’t they?

Obviously, they’re just talking and stuff, but it seems loud to me. Loud and intrusive. I’m in the shade of the umbrella. It’s too hot in the sun for me after a few minutes. I start leaking. A LOT.

Here, on the beach, in the sun (even with the noise) the bad thoughts of last night are banished. Which is just as well. I say banished but, probably, subdued is a better choice of word? Subdued, to be brought up like a cow’s cud and chewed over in time.

F’s parents were so pleased to see him, you could tell. Which makes me happy. They aren’t really a touchy-feely family but his mum touched his face one time with obvious affection.