Tag Archives: Relationships

It’s his way of showing me.

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“You go and get them”, he says, “because you’ve got to go and do it when I’m not here”.

I don’t say anything at the time. He makes me laugh. I tell him when I get back, as we’re eating the two sandwiches I’ve just bought. I can do things but he seems to feel that I must be ‘trained’ as to ‘how’ to do things. Of course, he’s just making sure I will be OK. I want to say ‘I’ve been here for 6 years. I think I can get by, now. Otherwise I would have died from starvation!” I don’t, of course. It’s quite sweet, really. Bless him.

It felt more than 2 days and 2 nights.

It felt like a week or something.

He had worked hard on the house. I said all the right things. It’s amazingly light. All walls are white, of course. It’s not perfect in that the sink in the bathroom only has cold water; the toilet doesn’t flush properley but you can’t have everything. There were new toothbrushes, soap for me, food for the dogs and many other things. A new telly was bought, rubbish bins, etc. The dogs love it although they are exhausted within a day.

His friend, R, had cut all the grass so the dogs could use the garden.

He’s happy even if it’s not perfect.

Someone asked him how long we had been together. “Almost 2 years”, he replied. It seems longer than that. Like the weekend.

I was shown our place on the beach. I bookmarked his Mum’s place, the house, the beach and the dog walking area on my navigator, as he needed to be certain I would be OK finding everything. He arranged that, when he’s not able to go, I will be able to meet R, have dinner with his Mum and Dad, etc. He wants to make sure that I’ll be OK. It’s like ordering the sandwiches at the beach. He wants to make sure I will do it.

Of course, that also puts pressure on me. a) to go down and b) to go to his Mum’s, go out with R, etc.

So now I will have to go down, even if he’s not there. But all this is his way of showing that he loves me, I guess.

Not how it’s supposed to be.

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Well, this is NOT how it’s supposed to be at all. I get up and go to the bathroom. I am so tired. When I come back, I see the clock. No. It’s simply not possible that I’ve been awake for a whole hour and a half. Maybe I did doze off after all.

Earlier, as I sat opposite him at the kitchen table, it was really difficult to keep my feelings in check. He looked good. He was telling me about the events that happened whilst he was there, making me laugh. I loved having him back. I had been tired and would have, normally, been slightly miffed that he didn’t come until after 11. When he arrived, I was so pleased to see him that nothing else mattered.

And so, probably, that was the problem. Either that or, by the time we got to bed, I was just over tired.

Either way, I just couldn’t sleep. He cuddled up to me and immediately, I felt itchy all over. But I couldn’t scratch or move because I was worried he wouldn’t sleep. And so I lay there. Itchy. Awake. Dying for sleep but not feeling so tired. We turned over and I cuddled him. I think he was asleep but I couldn’t be sure. Then I got up to go to the bathroom. When I came back, he must have been asleep. He cuddled up to me – but really close. We were very hot. The only way he would do this would be if he was asleep. Even if it made me feel itchy (because I couldn’t scratch, of course), I didn’t want to move. I listened to the soft snoring. It meant he was here. I didn’t want to move away from him. I guess I got to sleep.

Even if I have had only about 4 hours sleep, I don’t feel so tired. Perhaps it will hit me later?

Here and there.

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He was happier last night, which was good.

I’m not so happy, though.

He’s not here. I’m not there. There’s the two or three hours distance.

It’s difficult to find interest. There’s many things I could do. You know, keep busy. Stop thinking. Stop being without or alone. Stop feeling.

A said it was stupid. I could have punched him in the face. Then, I thought, perhaps he never feels like that? That would explain a lot. In fact, it would explain everything. To never have that feeling would be much worse than having it.

He says it is looking good. There. Where he is and I am not. I look at the weather forecast for there and here. It’s not particularly good at either place. I try to tell myself that it would be dreadful being there, with the rain. And the decoration ‘in progress’. I would be in the way. We would be in the way, which is true. And we wouldn’t be able to do anything. Them for sure and me because I am, quite frankly, worse than crap at this sort of stuff. Not that anyone believes me. ‘How difficult can it be?’, they think. I know they think that. In theory it should be straight forward. But, even when I try so very hard, paint doesn’t seem to get onto the walls as much as me and the floor and other places where it should not be. And the stuff on the walls is streaked or globular or thick in places it should not be, running down. No, it doesn’t work for me.

He said, “You can come down if you want”, adding without a pause for breath, “but it will be a complete mess”. He doesn’t want me there whilst he is doing it. I will be a distraction. So will they. They, maybe, more than I. They, who demand attention from him without even demanding it. Because they are the ‘poverini’, of course. Unable to demand and by being unable to demand, demanding more and with greater urgency. At least for him.

I don’t let on that I’m not happy. After all, that would be unfair. It would be selfish. He is doing this for us. For me, he says but in reality, for the four of us. Or, maybe, mainly for him? Or, maybe, for me too. It is ‘More than Words’. And he had to have an injection for his back, last night. He ‘couldn’t move’, he said. I told him he should stop but he said that he wouldn’t. He’s very stubborn like that. It’s no good arguing with him. He won’t listen anyway or, rather, he will listen but then do what he wants. I don’t demand, I’m far too old for that!

I told him I was on holiday. He knew, of course. I just wanted him to know. So, I was being a bit selfish after all! He told me to relax and enjoy it. I said I would, even if I knew that I can’t as much since he’s there and I’m here.

So I sit here and write this. Rather than there and not. In a moment I will do something. Something else. Washing, cleaning, the dogs, sorting out English stuff, a box, some editing. Something. Or not. Not here nor there.

Damn!

Things change. Things happen.

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Of course, things change.

I feel sorry for him more than anything. He’s putting in so much effort, spending all this money, working so hard to get it nice for us.

But it’s shared with his brother. His brother, apparently, may want to come and live there. F is angry that he didn’t say anything before. He told his brother that he would have to go and live at their parents’. His brother doesn’t want to. He told his brother that he would have to leave when we were coming down and that we had got an umbrella and everything. He also told him that he was cleaning the place and expected the place to be just as clean when we arrived down here. He said his brother is not like him but, then, no one is like him!

I just feel so bad for him. He was looking forward to this summer as much as me, even if we didn’t tell each other. He is very angry, I can tell. He is continuing to do it but I can only imagine how disappointing it must be for him.

So now we don’t know. Or, rather, I don’t know. We can’t go and stay at his parents with the dogs, for certain. Especially with Rufus as old as he is and the occasional bouts of incontinence.

And, talking of Rufus. Poor thing has an abscess. It’s one of the anal glands which has become infected. It, maybe, explains some other things. He’s on antibiotics. He’s managed to lick all the hair from his back end. That’s how I noticed it. It looks sore and I expect it is. Poverino. Still, when we went to the vet’s last night, the vet was amazed at how well, in general, he is doing. Me too.

So, back to the summer, maybe things will change. Maybe not. We’ll see.

It does make me want to hug F and tell him it will all be OK. For it will all be OK. It’s just a matter of time. And a matter of acceptance when we really can’t change things. And these things do happen.

Summer Sunday Lunch; The House at the Sea Update; Please stop asking, I don’t really know.

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It is summer, after all. Summer requires salads and fruit and freshness.

I invited A & Fr over for Sunday lunch. I did some antipasto stuff (I seem to be coming almost Italian :-)) and then the Special Salad. Of course, Special Salad is not really so ‘special’ any more since, now, there is a dazzling array of salads that are different. But, ‘special’ is what this salad was known as, at least by our family, in the days that salad in the UK comprised of limp lettuce, tomatoes and salad cream. You see? This was in the days when there was no such thing as mayonnaise.

And, anyway, salad cream works best with this. I thought I had done it for them before but it seems not.

The ‘special’ ingredient is oranges but now that I’m in Italy, it also includes cheddar cheese and salad cream since you can’t get them here.

They said they liked it and I think they did.

Then I served up something that, I think, I’ve only ever made one time before, a long, long time ago. Summer Pudding. I made individual ones which was more of a risk in its own right. Still, I’m a little more adventurous these days, not bothering with trying stuff out first but just doing it. Maybe it’s a little more ‘couldn’t care less’ rather than ‘adventurous’. Oh well, whatever. the result is the same.

As it turned out they weren’t bad. But I need to find different bread than the stuff I used. And make more of the syrup. I’ll try it again soon and if I can make it as good as it should be then I’ll post it as a recipe.

Anyway, they seemed to like it.

And we drank. And then had cheddar cheese and port. And then went for a walk.

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F did the bathroom, apparently. R, his friend, wasn’t there, yesterday. The ceiling didn’t go well. He suggested that he may not finish by next Sunday. This means we (the dogs and I) won’t go down at the end of this week. He said that he would ask R to finish things off (mainly the cleaning) so we could all go down the weekend after.

I’m still hopeful for this weekend and I am pretty certain that he will want us to come down if it is possible. Obviously, it is possible – it’s just not possible for him if it isn’t in a perfect state. Oh well, we will see.

I wonder what his Mum and Dad think of his sudden interest in his house and decorating it and so on? I mean, I’m certain they are fully aware of the situation but as it is never discussed, it must be slightly bemusing for them. The last time he showed such interest in the house was when he was with S.

________________________________________________________________________

Sometimes, I wish people would stop asking me about V.

It doesn’t seem to matter that I say that we are not in touch any more and that I don’t really know.

Probably the best summer.

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We have mentioned it before but this time it was a bit different.

As he knows we both like the peppers filled with (usually) cod, he decided to buy some and bring them back. He bought 8 tins!

Last night we had two of those tins for dinner. I love them. We talked about how good Spanish food was. We both like Spanish food. And then we talked about him getting a job there. He said that he thought the future was the model used by a well known Spanish fashion brand. He said he could try to get a job with them. I said I would teach English or something. I would do something. I said I would be happy to go.

We looked it up online. We talked about some of the Spanish food we liked. Now, I wouldn’t mind moving. Why not? My dream was to come and live here. My dream before that was to live in the countryside in Herefordshire. I’ve done these things. I can do something else now. I never thought I would want to move to Spain but now I really don’t mind. In fact, I think I might enjoy it. Of course, it’s another bloody language to try and learn although I shall, probably, learn it in the same way as Italian – so never, then! And we wouldn’t go to the British enclave areas, so that would be perfect. And the weather would be better. Yes, I could do this.

Interestingly, we were talking about it together. About moving together. It was different than before.

He says that the Spanish people are nicer. Not so stuck up as the Italians. Of course, for me, the Italians are fine. I like them and they seem to have a more relaxed attitude to life, even in Milan. To F, they seem restricted. It must be the same for everyone when they think of the people of their own country, I guess. The grass is always greener, etc., etc. He thinks the Spanish are happier. Given my last few posts, you will know that I think the Italians are happier than the English. I guess everyone from a different country seems happier than your own people. You know too much about your own people. They are part of you, I suppose.

This morning we woke up early. He has caught the train to go down and decorate and clean the house. He’s now talking about me coming down with the dogs on Thursday or Friday. Maybe. If the weather is going to be good. He says that he’s doing it for me. But that’s not really true. He’s doing it for us. He’s already talked to R, his best friend, about R picking up the dogs from the house and meeting us in the dog area in the pinetta (I don’t know if I’ve spelt it right. It’s the area under the pine trees. The cool areas, near the beach) about 6 so that we can come from the beach and collect the dogs from R, saving us the need of leaving the beach early, going to pick the dogs up and then going back near the beach to walk them. He’s going to give R some money for doing this, justifying it by the fact that it will ‘cost us that in petrol anyway and we don’t have to leave the beach so early’. I think many of the things he says are so he doesn’t have to say he’s doing it for both of us, together. He can justify it by logic even if, sometimes, his logic is not the same logic as mine.

Still, either way, we have our beach umbrella sorted and, by the end of this week, if not before, the house fixed up for us to go to.

Boy, I am really looking forward to this summer. It’s going to be glorious. Probably the best summer I’ve ever had.

It’s much better now.

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“It’s much better now”

He adds, “You can clean more easily”. In my head I say: “No, I won’t be cleaning but you and my cleaners can clean more easily”. I actually say, “Yes, it is much better”.

The reality is that, for me, it makes no real difference but I know that, for him, it is a significant improvement. There are some ‘bits and pieces’ to finish, of course.

Later he says, “You can go through the boxes to sort them out, one by one, maybe one each evening”. Yes, I suppose I could and there’s part of me that does want to do this but the actual reality is that I doubt it will ever get done. And I do mean ‘ever’. Ah well.

He’s right though. There are certainly things that can, now, be safely thrown away. Stuff from one of the companies I closed before I came here. I don’t need to keep that paperwork now.

Earlier he had told me that An (the Milanese friend who has, recently, returned to Milan) had come round. It was whilst I was in the UK. He said she wanted to come and see it. I smiled. Of course she did. “That’ll be because you cleaned and tidied everything – so now you’re happy for people [and by ‘people’ read ‘his friends’] to come.” “Yes”, he replied, smiling too.

Apparently she was enthusing about me doing a Sunday Lunch (with Roast Beef and Yorkshire Pudding). He was all for it. Apparently. Even if he won’t eat the meat.

It wasn’t a surprise but, as my blog has been offline for so long, you wouldn’t have had the build-up.

He had told me that he would ‘sort out’ the bedroom (the last room in the flat to be sorted – by him) if I bought the boxes. I went to Ikea and bought 20 of them. I have a lot of stuff.

And so, when I was away he did what he has wanted to do from the beginning. Make my place more like his place – or, rather, as close to his place as possible. And to do this, everything must be put away. Preferably in cupboards or wardrobes but, at least, in boxes.

He had said he would leave the things under the bed. He didn’t.

A bed is a useful thing. It has legs. there is a great deal of space beneath it. the space can be used for storage. He has nothing under his bed, of course. In his flat everything is away – in cupboards or boxes.

However, during the ‘tidy up’, almost everything got moved from under the bed and put into boxes that are now on top of the wardrobes.

It’s all very neat. It’s all very clean. He’s now, quite obviously, much, much happier about it all. Especially if he feels it’s OK to invite his friend round :-)

Now, sometime this weekend, he goes down to his house to do the same there. Also, on that front, we are, apparently, going to be ‘renting a place on the beach’ for the summer. It’s quite expensive but I said we should go for it. If we don’t use it enough this year then we don’t have to renew it next year!

So now, most weekends will probably be on the beach and (hopefully) under the Tuscan sun :-)

Of course, it’s much better now that he’s back from Spain. We haven’t seen each other for a whole week. Even if he’s going away again for another week. At least I know he’s here tonight. Yes, it’s much better now.

Enocratia

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Last night we had to go out again. I had a Groupon coupon and it ran out today. So I booked it. The place was Enocratia.

The voucher, for which I paid €49 was to the value of €110. Based on our other Groupon coupons, we expected the total bill to be close to €200. But, OK, it’s my birthday weekend. It’s quite new. They obviously did the Groupon thing to generate some business. They have a wine bar on the ground floor. It was busy. They had what looked like quite nice food for the aperitivo. There are two ‘dining areas’. One below ground in a vaulted cellar – not huge but well done. Very simple with white walls and exposed brickwork. We were shown upstairs to a half balcony. About 10 tables. Modern tables and chairs but, here also, exposed brickwork on the arches.

It became clear, during the meal, that we were not the only ones using Groupon coupons. In fact, it seemed that everyone (about 6 couples) were using them. This was the ‘Groupon dining area’.

The waitress was so nice. Really helpful and enthusiastic. The difference between this and Giacomo Arengario couldn’t have been more obvious. We were given a glass of prosecco and a small glass of some fishy stuff. It was just a mouthful but nice.

We had a limited selection. For once we couldn’t have the whole menu although she did point out that if there was something we really didn’t like, she would be able to suggest an alternative. There was a choice of two antipasti. We took them both, of course. F’s was cod with thin slices of fried or dried polenta. It was lovely (we had half of each). Mine was a ring of asparagus mouse with a cooked egg yolk in the centre. It was lovely. They chose a wine for us. It was a white, slightly sparkling wine from Tuscany. It was lovely but she didn’t leave it on the table (maybe they had no ice buckets?) but took it downstairs to keep it cool. However, we never ran out of wine in our glass as she was very attentive.

Primo piatto was this thick spaghetti (that I don’t really like – not for the taste but because it is far too difficult to eat in the normal way and I usually get sauce all over me) with a Neopolitan ragu sauce. I absolutely love that sauce. And this was excellent, if a little too salty for me. But not so that it really spoiled it. Secondo was a plate with baby pork, some pieces of horse , some green veg and potatoes. F didn’t tell her that he didn’t like meat! Therefore I ate very well. There wasn’t a huge amount but it was enough. There were no bones in the pork and they even had a kind of crackling which I do miss here. I found the horse a little strong but it was all very nice, really.

Then there was a choice of sweets. F chose a mouse surrounded with dark chocolate and a sauce of orange. It was fantastic. The orange bitter enough to contrast with the chocolate. I had the apple tart. It was OK. I’m grateful that we did the sharing thing though as the chocolate and orange sauce dish was wonderful.

And, then, at the end, we only had to pay for the wine. The rest of it was included in the voucher. So we had a rather excellent meal for €49.

Overall, the only problem with this place was the location. The other side of the Duomo. It’s a bit of a trek to get there. If it was closer we would go often. As it is, we both want to go again (so their Groupon offer worked, then). The food was very nice. On the full menu they have raw tuna for antipasto and cod as a main course – so perfect for F. And they do a LOT of meat, so perfect for me. Yes, we shall go again. And, as the service was so good, it would be worth it.

It was after we finished our meal that they showed us the other dining room. Nice place. And not expensive. A three course meal would put you back less than €100 assuming either antipasto/primo, secondo and sweet.

I have to admit, I was wrong.

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I forgot to tell you.

I was wrong about the dog walking thing. He does it if he is not having to get up early. This morning he was doing pilates and so he was getting up early (early being after 7 – which is a lie-in for me!) and so I had to get up at 5.45 a.m.

Still, he does take them out in the morning, some of the time.

Tomorrow, I shall be on holiday. Maybe we shall take them out together? Maybe we shall have breakfast together in some bar? That would be nice.

Easter Lunch

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I’m afriad both comments and pictures have been lost. Will try to find pictures and republish them soon.

Sunday was, of course, Easter Day. It is customary here, in Italy, to eat lamb. I am more than happy about that – lamb being my favourite meat. F doesn’t really eat meat but absolutely hates lamb. He says he doesn’t even like the smell of it.

We (mainly he) decided to go to eat at lunchtime on Sunday rather than in the evening. We went to Osteria Dell’Angolo (see link on the side). It is a restaurant I found in Pallanza and one that I love. The food is not like a really first class restaurant in Milan but it’s not far off. They did a special menu for Easter Sunday Lunch.

The day was warm and sunny. We ate outside in their covered area, surrounded by vegetation which, from the outside, makes it almost hidden. Certainly compared to the brashness of all the other bars looking over the lake, it seems hidden. And once you’re inside, it seems as though you have stepped into a different world. We booked on Friday evening. Since they weren’t sure about the weather, we got the last table. If the weather were to be good, we could, of course, eat outside.

The weather was great and so we settled at the round table in the corner, more or less, on our own.
The menu looked good:

We decided that, as there was a choice of two things for antipasto and primo, we would take one of each and share.

Both the antipasti were superb. The courgette mouse with tomato sauce (not Heinz, I may add) is a staple from them and I’ve had it before. It’s very delicate. The thinly sliced lake fish (whatever that may be) was even subtler but divine. We had half each.

Then came the primi.

First the ravioli filled with asparagus cream, simply done in butter with sage. Is your mouth watering already? It should be. Mine is as I write about it!

Delicate, I would say.

After half of that, we swapped plates and I had one of the rolled pancakes filled with smoked scamorza. To be honest, I usually dislike scamorza (a type of smoked cheese) but this was just perfect. I’m glad I had the primi this way round though as the smoked cheese was much stronger than the delicate ravioli.

As you can see, the pancakes were rather crispy. Mmmmmmm.

But then came the bit that I was waiting for. The Lamb!

This was my plate. I say that because we had about 4 pieces of lamb each but, as F doesn’t eat it, I got it all

I was very, very happy about that – although quite full afterwards.

For sweet, there was a piece of colomba with vanilla cream (which is actually custard although F refuses to believe it!) and a glass of spumante.

If I’m honest, I didn’t really feel that full although later, I didn’t really want any dinner.

It was lovely. I took the photos and that’s when it came up about the blog. I had to explain why I needed the photos. After being surprised I had one (although I have mentioned it before), he asked what I wrote about. I said everything. And then tried to explain that it was stuff in my head. He asked if it included him and I said that it did but that I didn’t use pictures of him nor his name.

I wonder if he’ll try to find it now?

Anyway, should you be on Lago Maggiore and near Pallanza, I recommend Osteria Dell’Angelo. It really is lovely. The service is good and the food is excellent.

Buon appetito!