Tag Archives: Relationships

Going or not going? More importantly, why?

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“you know, other things ……..work, house, you, the babies :-)”

I can be a disingenuous sometimes, it’s true. Of course I knew the list included me and the babies. When I said that I wasn’t sure this morning, when he asked if he should go, I was hoping and wanting him to say this. Even if, last night, he was a bit concerned when I told him that I may not be able to get the ‘sitter’ for the dogs and, so, maybe wouldn’t come. He suggested that I could come on just the Sunday. I said we’ll see. No, he doesn’t want to go unless I am coming or following behind. But this morning I said that he should go. He needs to see his parents and has, probably, promised his best friend. Or, rather, nearly promised.

Still, we all need confirmation about the feelings of those around us, from time to time, don’t we?

And so he isn’t going. And, so, I’m not going either. There will be another time. It would be so much easier if we could use his house. Then we could take the dogs and all would be fine. Let’s hope it becomes free soon.

Meetic – why do I still appear on people’s lists?

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Sorry for the non-posting. I’ve been a bit busy, not had enough sleep and feel like crap, to be honest.

But that’s not the point of this post.

The point of this post is to say to you out there – do not trust Meetic with your money!

Several times a day I get notifications, by email, that someone has viewed my profile.

I know, having used it for several months last year, that most people at the ‘top’ of any list are those that are online, followed by those that have been online in the last few days.

Except that I haven’t. So, unless by extraordinary coincidence, people are trawling though old profiles or being so specific in their search criteria as to have found me as being one of the only people, Meetic are placing me at the top of lists for no apparent reason. It almost makes me want to sign in as a fake person to see where I DO appear!

Maybe I will. But not today.

>F will be away in his home town at the weekend. I may go down on the Saturday for the night. We shall see. That’s not what is making me feel crappy either.

It’s not a weakness, it’s just a feeling.

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“It’s a balance”, he explains, holding his hands out, palms up, as if weighing something. “When one of you is stronger, the other is weaker”; the hands are not level now but one is higher than the other.

He’s talking to someone about their relationship.

“It’s like me and Andy”, he adds. “Andy is always…..” and, at this point he breaks off, pawing at the girl next to him, “…….and so, probably, it makes me seem cold”. “If Andy stopped”, he added, “maybe I would be different”.

“I don’t tell him that I love him”. I confirm this is true although adding that “you did say it to me twice” – not that I’m counting or anything.

He likes to do stories, though, to explain things. It’s kinda like Jesus and his parables. So he starts talking about his Aunt who was more like a grandmother to him and how he loved her (and so did his Mum) but they used to get annoyed with her sometimes for she seemed quite crazy (example – she wanted him to go to bed because it was school in the morning; he suggested that, if he went to bed ready to go to school (i.e. fully dressed), he could save time and get up later and and therefore could stay up later! She agreed!!!! So, at least on one occasion, he went to bed with the clothes on for school – this was obviously before he became the obsessive bathroom type) and was annoying but how, when she died, both he and his Mum wished they had let her do what she wanted. His point being that, even for the things that might seem to annoy us, we miss them when they’re not there any more.

And my only question – why doesn’t he take some of his own advice? Hmmph!

Of course, I could, were I to play this game, be a little bit colder myself; not always available; showing no affection, etc. Except, really, why bother? Why bother with all that crap?

And I know why he doesn’t take his own advice – because it makes him, in his view, weaker than me. But, you know, I don’t think that’s right. I don’t feel weaker than him just because I show more affection. Nor do I feel really ‘needy’. For me it’s simple. I love him; I want to be with him; I want to touch him and hold him. He makes me feel good. It’s OK for me to feel like that. If I’m not with him it doesn’t make the love go away. If I’m with him and can’t touch him it doesn’t mean I don’t want him any more.

But, if I get the chance to all of these things then I am very happy. for me, it’s a strength that I can still feel these things even if he stays cool. And, anyway, there are things that he does that tells me how much he loves me.

I want to tell him just to let himself go ……… it’s OK, I will be there to catch him.

In the meantime, here is this song, which I do like. In fact, I like most of the stuff the the Black Eyed Peas do.

Missing me; Tuscany, maybe?; Weather in Italy – when to have a holiday; In hot water; This blog

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“Looking forward to seeing you and the babies”

It hasn’t been that long.

“We are still in the restaurant, eating outside. I imagine our holidays – with the babies”

I take them out of order and, probably out of context. It’s my blog and I can do what I want.

In fact, it is only since 5.45 this morning when I got up and left him to wake up more slowly. But he was getting up at 6 anyway. He was going to the store near Venice.

It is hot and sunny there and cooler and more rainy here. But the rain will pass. And, for our holidays, I hope it is not like other years and remains hot and sunny, even if it is the third week in August – not the best week for being on holiday here, in my experience.

In fact, if you wanted my advice, holidays in the Northern part of Italy should be taken in July for the hottest, sunniest weather, with June and September cooler (but still hot) but more risky for rainy days. August, around the 15th, is almost guaranteed rain!

But I did notice that, in the message I put at the start, I was mentioned first. I also realised that he is, really, really looking forward to going away with the dogs (and me).

He has an idea for Tuscany (this is NOT the holiday). The problem is the dogs (or the babies, as you will). His parents place means that we sleep in two very small rooms and he is concerned because they go to bed early (and are up early – which all sounds good to me) but (and I more than agree with him) it’s not so easy with the dogs. The flat, which he shares with his brother, is currently being used by some cousin or something.

I don’t know how many times I have to say that I was only joking (even if the reality was that I was only half-joking). His plan is that he goes down on the Friday and I follow Saturday afternoon. Then I stay Saturday night and I (or, maybe we) come back on Sunday.

“I want you to come to C”, he says. And I really think he does. And I don’t want to take the dogs to his parents. at least, not until they know me better or something. Gentle introductions are required here, I think. Even if they will never know who I really am and are unlikely to with the language barrier.

However, he is thinking of doing this in the next couple of weeks. Let’s see. With him, I can’t get too excited lest it doesn’t happen. His mind is still unfathomable to me. I know he thinks about things a lot but what actually goes on in his head is just impossible and I can’t follow his logic (if there is any) (and that’s after my advice to Lola earlier this afternoon hahahaha).

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We expect things to work and we certainly take things for granted. Yesterday, in my head, I was looking forward to the shower I was going to have.

Except after nearly three hours, the three men went away, leaving me with a brand, spanking, new boiler …………. which didn’t work!

Another guy came today to fix it. It took him a while but he has done it. It was a blockage!!  As I said to someone at work, today.  I had one guy to carry things, one guy to fit the boiler and one guy to watch them do it.  Now, I could add – and one guy to make it actually work!

So I went to lie down for a bit and then I heard the sound of someone coming in. It was my cleaner guy. Since he had to leave early yesterday (no water) he was going to add hours next Wednesday. Instead, he chose to come and do the ironing today.

So, tonight I have a long, hot shower AND I have all my shirts ironed.

Cool, if you see what I mean.

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Today, I was recounting the story of how F & I met. The girl, A, thought it was a lovely story. Of course, my blog allows me to recount the circumstances in more detail than I would ever remember and for which I am grateful. She also wanted to know how it was to be gay; when did I know?; what about girls?, etc. I explained. I have nothing to hide. She was a bit shocked but then, in this country, there is an unawareness about it all that still surprises me. I wondered if this is what it is like in most of the world. I am truly grateful that I was born and brought up in the UK.

But back to the blog. I’m not sure that I always say all of the really important things but I think I was, mostly, faithful with my recounting the story, since it was written at the time. It makes me wonder, if, in a few years time, some of the essence of the whole thing will be gone from the blog. It’s not really a diary, is it? It’s more a collection of random thoughts and random happenings in my life. Some things are deliberately missed (for various reasons); some things omitted by accident.

The boiler is being fitted; A dictionary that may help with training

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Well, they’re here. There are three of them to fit a small boiler! Not sure why so many. Maybe it’s ‘cos siamo in Italia?

At least it’s being done although I think that if I’d not chased, I would still be at work now, waiting for the call. Anyway, the important thing is that there’ll be hot water for a shower tonight!

And, I’ve seen this book. S, my colleague brought it in this morning. It’s a ‘dictionary’ – or, at least, that’s what it’s called. From and to Italian………..

and……………

cane! Yes, dog. Apparently there’s also one for cats and one for something else. I intend to go and get one for F. I know he will love it! From what I can understand of it it’s really quite funny (and has serious points as well). It covers the dog’s behaviour and why and, I think, I hope, how to stop it if it’s not good. I intend to buy it this evening, assuming the men have finished here, which is almost certain to be before the bookshop closes.

S has bought it to try and train her dog – or, rather, stop it from barking at cyclists and cars and stop it doing some other stuff but, maybe, we’ll find some hints as to how to stop Dino licking (everything). Other than that, he’s almost perfect.

Well, I say that. There was the other evening when he growled at F and then tried to bite me. Not that he did bite me as he realised he should not but his jaws were round my wrist.

Since then we’ve been having some rather serious training to ensure that he knows that, in reality, he is the bottom of the pack and not, as he might have thought for a moment there, near or at the top!

The training includes the going in and out of everywhere last and not first. Still, after a week of this he has got the idea and now waits for everyone to go through before he comes. It’s a start, anyway.

Of course, as with any teenager, he’s only flexing his muscles a bit but it has to be stopped anyway.

We’ll see if the book can help with the training. Especially, ahem, with the training of F as, actually, it’s the things F does that allows Dino the thought that, maybe, just maybe, he may not be the bottom of the pack!

Gotta be more positive!

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I guess that those of you that read my blog will know that I am full of doubt; always worried about something; always concerned if I have done/am doing the right thing.

Except that, I guess, to my friends and colleagues (Pietro?) I probably appear to be confident and self-assured – always seeming to be doing the right thing.

Well, the fact that, should you scratch the surface, I have all this uncertainty is not entirely true. There’s the times when, both externally and internally, I feel good – confident, strong, sure. These times are with F.  It doesn’t seem to matter what shit I think I’m going through – within moments of being with him; being in his presence, the ‘problems’ just seem to disappear. It’s as if when he is there, everything that concerns me just falls away from me.

Also I received a rather good email today. And I chatted with my first, potential, student (well, the first this time round) and we’re meeting next week.

Still, I wonder if it’s wrong that, when he’s around, worries and problems don’t seem to have importance? At least, this week I have been doing some things to fix some of them and this continued today, so that’s more positive anyway.

Greetings; Strange thoughts; For me

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I know that he did it for me. I understand that and I wish I could explain to him that I understand that and how much I appreciate it.

I had picked him up from the airport. His plane had been late. I took the babies, just as he wanted. He was very happy about that, I knew. I watched, from the corner of my eye, the people around, smiling at the excitement shown by Dino, Rufus and F at seeing each other again. Dino had already had plenty of attention from people as I sat outside the terminal building, having a cigarette. For Dino all the people – too many people; the noise of the aircraft; the sound of the bags being wheeled around – all this was exiting and interesting. But seeing F was his biggest excitement. And he wasn’t sick in the car – well not until I was parking the car when we got back, anyway!

I had dropped F off at his flat. He would unpack and come round. He was very hungry. I suggested I got a pizza. He decided we should go there to eat. I waited outside the block of flats. But, he had changed his mind. It was too late, he said, which was true, really.

In the lift on the way back to my flat, we hugged and kissed. This was my time or, rather, our time for proper greetings. He felt good; he smelt good. I had missed him but also he had missed me, even if he didn’t say it. We watched the new video he had bought.

He talked about going for a session on the sunbed. I was surprised – but he’s quite vain, really – always more than I would have expected; than I do expect. He will shave his chest again, for the summer. I wish he wouldn’t but he will and, as he says, it will grow again.

I am so happy that he is back. I feel so comfortable with him. And then, at one point, a rather strange thing happened or, rather, a rather strange thing crossed my mind. Just for a fleeting moment. “What if I fall out of love with him?. Then he would just be a man.” This happened as he walked to the bathroom. I don’t know why I thought this. I mentally shook my head as if to dislodge this unwelcome thought. It didn’t come back but it made me feel strange.

And later he made me feel so good and I know that he did it for me. He doesn’t say that he loves me but I know that he does.

The new things

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[This is from a week or two ago] – They are very shiny – being new. He is so proud of them. I had wondered how long it would take and now, finally, they are here.

As is the soft-toy rabbit.

They are, of course, for the dogs. There are three shiny, new bowls. 2 for water and one for food. And the toy is similar to the sheep I bought a few weeks ago. Dino loves it and it makes a noise when you squeeze it so he loves it more.

We go out to a party as planned. We come back to my flat to collect the dogs – and we get some food too, obviously.

We take the dogs out and go back to his place. “Will they like the new bowls?”, he has asked me. I assure him that, even if they say nothing, I’m certain they will love them.

He fills the bowls with water. Whilst he is filling the third with food, Dino finds the rabbit and starts playing with it. He is happy (that’s F and Dino).

He is so proud of the things he has bought.

I may not have a key to the place but I think that Rufus and Dino’s positions in his home are secure.

The games of a relationship – part one – jealousy

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Relationships are bloody difficult, for everyone, it seems.

A, on a ‘break’ from Fr, and I went to this cocktail thing last night. The wine was good. The food was good. It was ‘finger food’, A’s new craze right now. He’s doing us Sunday lunch this weekend – which will be finger food.

Fr phoned him several times. He was annoyed.

“She shouldn’t be phoning me because we have agreed to meet at 9.15″, he moans to me. He doesn’t answer her calls.

As we’re walking away from the cocktail do to his car, he tries to phone her.

“She’s switched off her phone”, he moans further.

I ask where they were going to go. He says just ‘for a walking’ near to her place. I suggest that he goes to her flat anyway – the risk being that she doesn’t answer the door. I also suggest that he doesn’t say he was in the swimming-pool all the time as, if he gets to see her, she will smell the alcohol on his breath. I suggest, instead, that he blames me (as, anyway, she blames me for his drinking too much).

I tell him that he should stop playing games with her. Her phoning and he not answering. Then him phoning and she not having her phone on. He, of course, denies playing games, as, probably, would she. But, the reality is that, as in any other relationship, he (and her, probably) is playing a game. We all do it to a greater or lesser degree.

I don’t know whether he went round or not. I will email him now.

And then, this morning, S, my colleague, was upset. Upset because of her husband who she had seen, sitting at a café with other people. One of these people was a woman who, some time in the past, he may have had an affair with – perhaps – maybe. And she rang him and so they had a fight. So she wanted advice (but, as is normal, didn’t really want advice at all but to be told that what she planned was the right thing). She’s going to change her route because then she doesn’t see it – but, of course, that doesn’t mean it goes away. Her husband, of course, denies everything. She then spoke about, maybe, she should start going out with her friends. It’s more game. I suggested that she didn’t as going out with her friends meant that she would be doing it to try and make her husband jealous and if it didn’t work, then where would she be?

And so, interrupted by colleagues, she has been telling me the story over the last ‘x’ years. And why it all happened and asking what I thought. And I feel sorry for her as I do for A and I wish I could make it better for them but I can’t. But I did try to explain to her that I, too, have these feelings of jealousy – it’s just that I know what they are and I force myself to act in a proper way and not give in to them.

My example was this week. F texted me to say that he was going out with a friend. Of course, my immediate reaction is – who, what, why, where????? And what relationship do you have with them? Or have had with them?

I do none of that. I know that for what it is. And I prefer that he feels free enough to tell me this much. Later, on the phone, he said that he did not stay with them and went out for dinner on his own. It was complicated and he will explain it to me after; later; apparently.

And that’s OK. Maybe I will mention it or maybe not. In any event I have to explain the other night so that he knows I am not angry with him. Maybe it will come out then. Maybe I should explain that I have the feelings but don’t act on them. Maybe. Perhaps. Or not, of course.

A asked me when will we move in together. I said not now. Not yet. Maybe never. He didn’t understand. I said I would wait for F to decide. He thinks I’m crazy and that I should push. I know that I should not. When or if it is right, it will happen. F complains that his flat is too small. It will come – in time. There is time (or, at least, one has to hope for time). And, anyway, if there is no time, then there is little to be done about that.

In the meantime, I am, again, like a rabbit in car headlights. The fear of everything is causing me to freeze; to do nothing and, therefore, making everything far worse. However, today I did some stuff. And some stuff is better than the ‘nothing’ I had been doing until now.

At least, now, finally, the weather is more like summer. High twenties already and set to get higher with almost clear blue skies.

Even if my life is not perfect, I love it still. F returns tonight and I shall pick him up – he asks if the ‘babies’ will be there too. I say maybe. And, as he flies into Terminal 2, which is smaller, maybe I will take them. I know that Dino would love it. And so would F. And, as long as F and my dogs are happy, then that is all that matters.

And, whilst I may play some sort of game with our relationship, it’s not the one of A nor S nor their respective partners and I will not let the jealousy thing become the thing that controls me and takes me over. Each time it happens I will make it stop in my head.

It’s too nice a day to have problems like that.

I have a shower

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There is little time. Even for this post. Everything is catching up on me and, soon, things will start to fall off the table. It’s my normal state.

However, it doesn’t help that I am having to go away to a customer and F is already away in Spain this week. OK, so it’s only one night – but two, very long days. And there’s the dogs (and no F to look after them). Even he asked why it seemed that, every time he was in Spain, I had to go somewhere for work too! And he’d be right.

In addition, I have no hot water (still) and have had none since about last Wednesday night – so almost a week. Luckily F only lives five minutes away but, still ………..

And so, with everything to do last night (as I am going away today), the last thing I actually needed was to be traipsing over to F’s house to take a shower. And, just in case you’re wondering, yes, I do have a key and no, it’s not mine – it’s his and I am only borrowing it whilst he’s away. I come back about midnight on Wednesday and he comes back in the early evening of Friday.

And I have to explain to him that, sometimes, I just can’t not touch him and, so, sometimes I do things to make it difficult for me which he could misinterpret.

Anyway, last night, I combined the going to his place with taking the dogs out, so it wasn’t too bad. Dino got very excited when he knew where we were going but after a quick search of the flat realised that F wasn’t there after all!

He lay down at the bathroom door. I had a shower.