I’m sorry, I lied. To you. Yesterday. I mean, the things I wrote were true and they were good things. But it wasn’t how I was really feeling.
One of the things about the blog writing that I like is that I can say what I want. And, I can use it as I want. Yesterday was, in fact, quite a bad day for several reasons. I use things to make me feel different than I really feel and one of those is to bury my head in the sand, a little, by not facing up to my fears (only sometimes and, I hope, under control). Another way is to think of only positive things.
Often these things work. Sometimes they don’t. I never know which way it will go.
As it happens, it got worse during the day.
It got better, though, that evening when, during a conversation with V, I realised that, perhaps, the light was beginning to dawn in his head and that he seemed to be trying to face up to his own responsibilities. Of course, this was mixed with the feeling of SO wanting to help, take him my arms and make everything all right for him again.
It’s a dangerous situation, I know. He has always been my wild, social side and I have always been his serious, logical side. Together, it worked for so long; apart, well……..
I guess that we know each other too well; know how to press the right buttons: know how to get what we want – apart from the things that we can’t control, like me giving in to the things (I mean physical things) he wants to purchase and him, maybe, giving in to a lifestyle that’s a little ‘older’ than he would really prefer.
Of course, as a result of last night we are on the way, possibly, to reconciliation although, given the seriousness of the problem, I really don’t know if it is possible or, even, desired. Is that terrible of me?
In any event, the reconciliation will be a long and, I suspect, painful process. The last time we went through something like this it took 10 months and for most of those months we never saw each other. This time, I suspect, it will be much longer and much more difficult.
Of course, it could be made longer/shorter by his need for help, which immediately presses my “HELP V” button. Bugger.
Yes, I know, Cecilieaux, you are probably screaming at the computer right now, as you read this ‘DON’T DO IT’. And, of course, you would be right. I know I should reject the calls for help, implied or explicit and I will certainly be struggling to ‘do the right thing’.
Anyway, I’m sorry that I lied to you yesterday but it did help me to remember the good bits and your comments about those good things were also helpful, so, thanks.
