The Price of Coffee and Plastic People

The_Price_of_Coffee_and_Plastic_People

She is wearing a red dress today. She tells me that it is the first time she has bought a red dress as she ‘doesn’t wear red’. I say, without any feeling, that I think she looks nice. She thinks that makes me a gentleman, which it does not but I don’t correct her, even if I should.

It started with me looking at her fingernails. The new fad of having them half covered in sparkley bits is something she had succumbed to. After all, she likes to think of herself as ‘young and hip’.

She goes on to say that she is tired of this fad now and has told her manicurist that she won’t be doing it any more. She is going back to short nails with brown. I am not impressed. Brown?, I say in that disgusted voice. Well, Bordeaux, she say. OK, so red then, I reply.

That’s why we talked about the red dress.

She then starts telling me about some film she watched last night. She can’t remember the title. But she’s going to describe it anyway. Already, I can tell that I am going to be bored and what I really want is for her to stop.

It’s the price I pay for a ‘half coffee’, which thing I’ve never actually understood but it’s a ritual for her and I benefit by getting the half coffee.

The film stars Kim Bassinger. She starts to tell me the plot from the beginning. I wonder if the price for my half coffee is actually worth it. I want to go back to my desk. I feign surprise, interest, enjoyment, etc. I briefly wonder if she can actually tell the difference. Would she know the real thing if she came upon it and, anyway, if she did ‘get it’, would it scare her? Would it make her ‘real’? Would she become less ‘plastic’?

And I wonder if, by feigning the responses that she requires, I am becoming more plastic myself?

The price of coffee is expensive, I decide.

Colours are interesting

Colours_are_interesting

I’ve always thought that colours are interesting in that, what is ‘red’ to me may be an entirely different colour to you. I mean, we all know what red is but that is because, as a child, you are ‘taught’ what name a particular colour is. So, the questions is: when you see red, do you actually see the same colour as me or am I seeing what would be blue or green or something else, in your eyes?

And, last night, Best Mate and I had another lengthy conversation, which was useful for both of us although I’m not certain which of us was more grateful, her or me.

In this lengthy conversation, we talked for a while about feelings. To me, feelings are a bit like colours. Except that they are also like being colour-blind as well.

She was trying to explain her feelings and said, quite rightly, that, unless you had been through what she has been through, there is no way for you to understand.

What was interesting was that, when I was describing my feelings and the problems of how they made me feel physically, she said that she had never had these.

So, are my feelings unique to me? Is it really something I can share with others? I was trying to explain that I was aware that the things that are currently happening to me are as a result of chemicals that my brain is releasing or permitting to be released into my body and why it has left me feeling so crap.

She said she would like to have those feelings. I said I would rather be like her, without them ever. She said they were good (for me). I said that they were terrible and I want it all to stop.

Earlier on in the conversation she had told me to ‘get a grip’. And, the logic side of my brain knows this to be true. The problem, as I explained to her, was/is that my brain starts thinking and then, before I have time to stop it, it has thought the thoughts that it shouldn’t (logically) and off we go again, into this helter-skelter of emotions and almost flu-like symptoms.

I said I would like to ‘get a grip’ and know that I should but I just can’t stop my thoughts, even if I know them to be stupid, pointless and just giving me a hard time for no good reason.

At least, for the while I was talking to her, I felt much better. It would be better if she were physically here although I would probably break down into tears, so, maybe not. I’ve promised to fix this before she comes over.

Let’s hope so.