Monthly Archives: October 2009

The meaning of X; why do I put myself in these situations?

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When I was a kid, we used to write cards (birthday cards and the like) to grandparents, sisters, brothers, etc.  Always it ended with ‘Lots of love X’.  If you were really generous it would be even more ‘x’s.

I had always assumed, like one does, that everyone did this.  Here, quite often, people end with ‘baci’.

More recently, I have stopped using baci but have been putting ‘x’.  It seems that things are not (and it has taken me about 45 years to find this out) quite as I thought and that not everyone uses an x in place of baci.

Not only don’t they use it but they don’t recognise it!  Who knew?

So last night, on the phone, I was asked why the ‘x’ and was it like a signature or something.  So I explained and, in the process, learnt yet another thing that separates us from the Italians, culturally.

So, catching up with friends, as I was last night.  Telling them of the guys and why I was dropping some of them and why others were working (maybe….early days yet).  Now, I spoke to Best Mate the other night.  Told her about the sweet guy.  She was fine.  Another friend was fine…..one friend was not….

It got me to thinking, this is my problem really.  I put myself in situations that other people find hard to take.  But, and here is where the real problem lies, it is my opinion that it is their problem and not mine.  I don’t do the compromise very well.

And so, should I take up with the sweet guy, then I am sure to lose some friends along the way; people who remain ignorant; people who, because it does not seem to have touched them, still think of HIV as something that is a gay plague and that it is the fault of the person who has it and that it can be transferred just by touching, or something equally preposterous!

That’s a shame because, other than this one thing, they are nice people – but I know that I won’t compromise on it.  And that bit is my problem too.

In the meantime, my date for tomorrow (Gordon) returned to Milan from a weekend away.  He is feeling tired.  Hmmm.  This could be the prelude to bailing out for tomorrow night………shame because I found that I had missed our chats online.  Still, it will all be for the best, whatever.  Also, my piano player from Pavia is saying that Sunday will be difficult.  Hmmm.

Still, I still have Varese on Friday night.  And, tonight, hopefully I will see my friend A who I have not seen for a little while…..which will be nice.

A meeting with V

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We have arranged to meet on Thursday for a pizza.

Last night was the theatre.  Actually it was nowhere near as bad as I thought it might be – only being bad because I thought I would not be able to follow the play at all.  In fact it was well done, although I would have preferred it in English since I didn’t get all the sense of it.  However, I did understand some of the jokes and that was good.

We met first for an aperitivo in the theatre.  Nice food and we talked.  It became clear to me that, although he is a nice guy, he is not for me, in terms of a relationship.  He has too many other people in his life that would take precedence……..and, if I’m going to have a relationship with someone then I want to be No. 1 – not further down the list behind a 9 year-old daughter, an ex ‘love of his life’, etc.

Anyway, he’s not really so attractive even if he is rich.  Rich is not everything – in fact, although it would be very nice, it’s decidedly nothing at all – for me, anyway.  Not all my friends think like this but everyone must choose what is important for them.

Beforehand I had rung the piano-player, who also lives in Pavia.  I was due to be there, rather than writing this from home.  The conversation was all Italian.  But he thinks (as a lot of people seem to) that I can understand it perfectly.  Boh!  Anyway, he has the ‘flu so it was cancelled.

I contacted my sweet guy but he was busy today.  I still can’t get him out of my head.

Later……he is online.  Against his name it has the status of ‘Date’ which should mean he is looking for a date.  I send him a message saying that he should know that I would go on a date with him.

He tells me he is working, which I know.  I reply that, if he would like, we could go to a Tuscan restaurant that I have been told is good, nearby.

He says yes, with a grin.  Maybe, perhaps, this will be good.  He wants to be romanced and seduced and I am good at that.  My problem will be holding back and not pushing it too far.

I am just browsing the people online.  I see one profile.  It is V.  He is lying about his age, shaving over 5 years off his age.  I don’t blame him since everyone is so hung up about the age of the person (including me).  I wouldn’t look at anyone my age…even if they did look good.  After all, I want someone younger and, as I was explaining the other night, the perfect man would be in his early forties with the body of a 30-year-old!

I then see that V has looked at my profile.  So, I think, it would be rude not to send a message.

I say hello and ask him how he is.  He tells me he’s fine and asks how I am.  I say I am good. He asks what I am doing.  Am I browsing.  I say that I was supposed to be in Pavia but it was cancelled and then start my normal complaints about Italian men.  He agrees and say that if they weren’t so good looking they’d all be single.  I say they aren’t all so good looking, etc.  I also mention that an ex-colleague is coming to Milan on such-and-such date and would he like to meet up with him.

He asks if the message was meant for him.  I realise that, perhaps, he doesn’t know who he is talking to.

I give the guy’s last name.

He asks if I am me (if you see what I mean).

I reply that yes, I am me and thought he would recognise the jeans!  (Since there is no face picture).

From there we have quite a funny conversation.  At one point he tells me that he was about to ask me out on a date.  Now that would have been funny.  I tell him that, if he had done that, I would have suggested Thursday.  Then we started talking about domestic stuff……Could I have some sunglasses, he has some cushion covers to give me, etc., etc.

I don’t know why, but it was a really pleasant conversation that we had.  It seemed so much easier over the chat and no pressure or crap.

Of course, I thought that, sooner or late, we would meet up online and I was a little worried.  However, it was very nice in the end.  I wonder too if, at some point, I will meet other people that I know……?

I wonder, if V hadn’t been my partner for all those years and I had found him here now, would I be going out on a date on Thursday as John (my onscreen name)?  Interesting thought, isn’t it?

Out on the scene again; is it the Karl Spark?

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I felt I should amend the previous post in case it gave the wrong impression……so I did.

Last night was the Mexican meal with the sweet (but far too effeminate) Stephen.  Nice kid though.  A shoe designer.  Interesting conversation, pretty and slim – just right for me in some ways but a little young and just a little to out-going.  After the meal he took me to some bars where we met many of his friends.

It was very nice for a change and his friends were nice.  I was, of course, new to the ‘scene’ so attracted interest but, although it was all very pleasant, I remembered why I don’t really like this way of spending your Friday and Saturday nights.  Still, I might go do it again with him as he is very popular and so, who knows who I might meet – except most of them aren’t ‘my sort’ at all.  I’m just such a ‘straight’ guy trapped in a gay world.  Must be the same sort of thing for effeminate but straight guys!  It makes me feel like I really don’t belong.

Still, tonight is the theatre with the nice guy from Pavia.  This, I know will be fun evening and then we shall go home (to our separate houses) as he is in for the long-term and is wooing me more than anyone else at the moment.

Of course, I haven’t really mentioned one guy that, perhaps I should.  He is very, very sweet.  Not effeminate, not my type  – but I find myself very attracted to him.  Not sure whether this is the Karl Spark but it’s pretty damned close.

Just a couple of things that are and, at the same time, are not important.  One is that he is definitely not the dominant type and, so, I’m not sure that he is strong enough – I mean to say, I sometimes need someone who is equal to me and will ‘fight’ with me.  He may be just too much of a pushover.

Oh, yes, and the other thing is that he is HIV+.  Now, before you go giving me advice and all that, bear in mind that I do know about this and I know we would have to be very careful but, really, it didn’t make any difference as to how I feel about him.  He was surprised at my reaction but I look at it this way, he’s nice, we are attracted to each other and, if I’m honest, the cigarettes are probably going to kill me first before anything else gets a look in.  And, if we’re careful, it shouldn’t be a problem.

He is a bit reticent though and I’m not sure why.  He’s also seriously Italian with all of the baggage that that entails (*sigh*).  And, he doesn’t smoke or drink, was a vegetarian (so is fussy about his food) – you know, all the things that would mean, oh, I don’t know…….

I need to see him again to see if I still feel the same way…..and if he does too, of course………

Planet Italy – The Dating Bible

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It’s official.  Italian men fall into one category.  Seriously screwed up!  Unless I am just being unlucky, of course!

This is how things are in my world:

1. Meet guy.
2. Find said guy attractive.
3. Decide to take it further.
4. Go to bed (optional here or later).
5. Have sex (optional here or later).
6. Talk some more.
7. Find you have things in common and you really like said guy or not.
8. Decide to see each other again and go through same stuff, (probably, hopefully, starting from 4).
9. After a while, if you both want it, make situation more permanent.

That’s how it’s supposed to work.  Of course, upon mutual agreement (or, perhaps, without mutual agreement) it can be stopped and taken no further at any stage.

Instead, on Planet Italy (which is NOT my world, even if I do live here) the Italian man seems to work like this:

1. Meet guy.
2. Worry about whether this is long-term or not/worry about whether this is what you really want/worry about something else.
3. Find said guy attractive.
4. Worry about whether this is long-term or not/worry about whether this is what you really want/worry about something else..
5. Decide to take it further.
6. Worry about whether this is long-term or not/worry about whether this is what you really want/worry about something else.
7. Go to bed if your worries haven’t already screwed it up in your head.
8. Worry about whether this is long-term or not/worry about whether this is what you really want/worry about something else.
9. Have sex if you overcome your worries enough or just talk about it or try and avoid it.  In any case, probably don’t have sex for all the worrying about whether this is long-term or not/worrying about whether this is what you really want/worrying about something else.
10. Talk some more – probably about how it may or may not be in the future; how everything is not straightforward how worrying about this stuff is one of the things that you cannot help.
11. Don’t bother finding out you have things in common because you’re too bloody busy talking about the worries.
12. Decide to see each other again (although why effing bother, I say).
13. Worry about whether this is long-term or not/worry about whether this is what you really want/worry about something else.
14. Go through all this crap again.

OK, so life is not perfect but we only have this moment to enjoy it since in one more second/one hour/one day/one week/one month/one year/one lifetime………..it may all be over for some reason.

Live life now!

Of course, perhaps all these Italian men are right and it is I who is actually screwed up?

OK, so last night didn’t go as expected.  However, one thing did happen that was really good and for which I am over the moon (and may explain some other time….if it continues so good).

I forgot to make you ugly

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I forgot to make you ugly

[I wrote this some time ago but didn’t post it for various reasons, not least of which, I was slightly crazy at the time.  However, it’s still true, even if the craziness has all but gone now and, anyway, I like what I wrote.  Enjoy or not, as you will]

I looked it up and it is a number of years ago that we met.  Or, rather, that we didn’t meet.  We both half-tried.  I don’t know why you didn’t push it.  I know why I didn’t.

Then, at that time, I made you ugly.  That was important.  You had to have some ugliness.  You had to have something that was not attractive.

In my state of mind more recently, I had forgotten how it was then.  I had forgotten to make you ugly.  Then, that time ago, I knew the danger and, rather than face it, knowing myself as I do, I avoided it.  If I had have faced it, even making you ugly, it would have been as it was in the end, only worse because of my situation at the time.  But, back then, I wanted it so badly, even if I didn’t know why.

This time I forgot.  I wasn’t thinking straight.  I wasn’t ‘in my right mind’.

Sure, I was a little nervous but only because I had never done this thing before.  But I still forgot to make you ugly.

And then you weren’t as I expected, so for some (very little) time I had to readjust my thinking.

And then, after some days, because of communication problems, I didn’t say what I had planned and, in those few days, I added to what I said and said I loved you.  And saying it made it all come back.  And then I couldn’t make you ugly in any way, even if you had been, which you weren’t.

And some would say that it wasn’t love but something else.  But what do they know?

And, having said the word ‘love’, I think you understood (although I think you knew from the beginning, probably even before me) and then it became stupid and now I wish that I had remembered to make you ugly beforehand and then, maybe, all this wouldn’t have happened as I could have focused on the ugliness that I could find – and I would have found something and I would have made that important and overriding and essential even if there was nothing really (and there was/is none) – and then it would have been alright.  It wouldn’t have stopped us being friends but it would have been enough to stop the word ‘love’ from passing my lips or, even, being in my mind.

Maybe.

And, now I wish I could take the time back and start again and see it for what it really is or, rather, what it really should have been (even if I still desire it to be as I would really want).  But now, maybe, you are scared of what you see , or, at least, disappointed, and that is understandable and I don’t blame you for I think I would be the same.

And, yesterday, I tried to make you ugly.  I called you a bastard and not for the first time.  I came up with a new word – dislove – which is what I tried to do; am trying to do.  Like disassemble, I tried to dislove you.  I thought it had worked or started to work.  Now I’m not so sure but I shall keep on trying to dislove you but I won’t dislike you.

And I’m sorry that I fucked it up, that I was pathetic, that I made you wary, that I made you think that I am mad; for that is not what I want.

And so, I send you this.  I know you will know and I hope that you are true to your word and can be ‘disgustingly understanding’.  I hope you will understand that I really wanted to tell you face-to-face but I lack the courage of a true man and am frightened that the words that will come out of my mouth will not clearly state how it is.  I also fear that you will not permit another visit for fear that this rabid animal will be in control and, therefore, I will not be able to explain, even if I wanted to.

And, so, for something so important, I send you only words, without emotion, without the true explanation in my voice.

I hope, with all my heart, that you can forgive this fool as I cannot.  I hope that you are more grown-up than me, for I am clearly not.  I hope you are disgustingly understanding.  I hope that you will be able to tell me that I am forgiven and that we can ‘start this thing again’ and that, this time round, I am just a little wiser.  It has worked this way before, for me, so I know this is possible.

And, in spite of what you may think about yourself, I may be able to dislove you in time but I don’t think I can ever make you ugly now; if only I had not forgotten.

With love.

An almost full dance card

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Well, we’re moving forward and, I have to admit, this is great fun.  At the moment, I can’t take it too seriously and nor do I want to.  I know that it’s all about finding the next ‘partner’ but I know I must keep hold of myself and not just jump into the first relationship available.  This time it’s different.

And there are, at the end of it all, many, many men out there of all shapes and sizes.  None of them perfect but then, nor am I.  All of them (the ones I am in contact with) have something to offer – and the ones I have met are nice guys, some more than others, of course.

Last night it was the turn of Trevor (not Robert as I thought in my last post).  Nice guy about 8 years younger than me.  We had chatted a lot on the phone and on the chat.  He seemed funny, witty, intelligent and a great sense of humour, so similar to my own.

We met in town (he lives in a city about an hour away) and went for a pizza.  The talk was easy, interesting – we were finding out about each other – in the process we found many, many things in common.  It was comfortable, for certain.  We talked and talked.  He told me about his marriage (they are now divorced) and his young daughter and what happened and why he got married in the first place…….

It’s a strange place, Italy.  And the family thing (and particularly the mother attachment) is something that, quite frankly, no one comes close to understanding – and trust me, I know people who were/are really close to their mothers in the UK – but it ain’t nothing like this.

So Trevor goes to his parents for lunch every day.  When he was married and lived in the flat above his parents-in-law, they would have dinner with the parents-in-law.  When he stopped them doing that, his mother-in-law would, instead, prepare food and bring it up to their flat so they could have dinner on their own!

Most Italians phone their parents once per day.  He phones his parents (and, remember he has lunch with them during the week) 3 times a day!!!!

Anyway, I know this is what it’s like and if I do end up with an Italian, I have to accept this stuff.

But, I don’t know if Trevor and I will end up as anything or nothing or friends.  We are going to the theatre on Saturday night (he has season tickets) to see some comedy called ‘The Kitchen’ although it will be in Italian which means I will be lucky to get half of it.  Still, it’s nice and, again, like Dennis, it’s a proper date.

But, right now, it’s getting a little full.  My dance card is almost completely full between now and this time next week.  When I started this, I didn’t expect it to be like this but it’s good and fun and I get to meet some interesting people and, anyway, it’s really good practice!