I promised, a couple of weeks ago, as I was deleting the many, many ‘draft’ (for ‘draft’ read unfinished, ill-thought-out, forgotten posts that never made it to the post button) that I would be better in future.  I would NOT keep starting to write about something that I had a feeling about, was angry about, was confused about or just thought was funny ………………….. and then just stop.

But it doesn’t work, really.

And, so, already, the unfinished draft posts are back and they are annoying me.

If you think this has no relevance to this post, think again.

This is another of these posts and the bit of rubbish above is just by way of explanation as to why this post will, in all probability, stay as another draft post.  Waiting to be finished until, one day, whilst doing a ‘clean up’ of the blog, I will carefully cut this paragraph and paste it into a rambling post full of bits that have never been published – because I think this bit is really good and explains why the whole post is full of disconnected single paragraphs.

So, I digress.

I wonder, in fact, if it’s supposed to be like this.  V is annoying me.  He’s annoying me by not having got in touch with me nor wanting anything.  He’s annoying me in my head.  and it’s even more annoying that I’m even thinking about him!

I keep saying ‘I’m not bothered’, to myself.  And that is true but it’s the truth of it that is annoying.  I really am not bothered.  But I do wish that he hadn’t originally treated it like he was bothered when, quite clearly, he isn’t.

I had hopes, at the beginning.  I hoped that we were old enough and grown-up enough that we could transcend the hurt feelings and the crapness of it all to make it through to another place that meant we could be friends.

But it just ain’t happening.

And, that annoys me.  But the problem is that, after so many broken promises (the ones after we split, I mean), I just gave up trying.  And, it seems, that’s OK by him.  And that pisses me off.  I know that there are other people who, over the last couple of years or so, have been caught up by him and then discarded, seemingly for no reason (although, trust me, there’s always a reason) and I wonder, sometimes, if I should get in touch with them.  Except, what would be the point, what good purpose could it possibly serve?

So, I won’t.  Probably.  They will find me if they want.

It annoys me that he’s not in touch with me.  It annoys me more that he has, in all probability, sold many of the things that we bought ‘together’ – though, in actual fact, we didn’t buy them together.  And, if he did buy any of them it was only because I bought almost everything else at the time – like food, fuel, paid the bills, etc.  Really, of course, I should never have just him get away with it – when we split – but it seemed like a good idea at the time and, in particular, as I was thinking of our long-term friendship, which has, obviously now, gone to pot.

I have conversations with him (in my head, as usual) except that nowadays, they’re not really full conversations – more like thoughts of conversations.  I don’t actually have sentences that go with the thoughts.  Either from him nor me.  And now, anyway, I know enough that the conversations will just never happen and, so, I stop them early.  And I find that annoying too.

We are, very nearly, at the end of it all – with no need for any ties.  Providing, of course, that I ignore the completion of the Final Question, the sofa cushions, his family and, generally ignore most people that he has any dealings with (which, with a few small exceptions, is not at all difficult).

Here I am, mentally, if not physically, slapping my hands together in the ‘all over and done with’ manner.

“The cushions are here for you to pick up”, she wrote.  My response was “I had given up on them, to be honest”.  Which is true.  I suggested that I might go over to get them in the next couple of weeks.  Which I might do.  And then she said that she got home about 9.30 and I thought that at that time I’m not sure I want to be schlepping half way over town to get them.  But that’s just stupid, I guess.  I should go and get them.  Probably.  But 9.30 is such a pain-in-the-arse time.  Maybe it would be better on a Saturday or Sunday.  Yes.  Probably.  Maybe this weekend.  Or next.  Or sometime later.  If I go and get them at least there would be even less reason to be in contact.  Which will be better.  Probably.

And, so, in summary, I am annoyed by being annoyed by something that I really shouldn’t be annoyed about.

And, yes, I will bloody well post it after all ……….