Missing me; Tuscany, maybe?; Weather in Italy – when to have a holiday; In hot water; This blog

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“Looking forward to seeing you and the babies”

It hasn’t been that long.

“We are still in the restaurant, eating outside. I imagine our holidays – with the babies”

I take them out of order and, probably out of context. It’s my blog and I can do what I want.

In fact, it is only since 5.45 this morning when I got up and left him to wake up more slowly. But he was getting up at 6 anyway. He was going to the store near Venice.

It is hot and sunny there and cooler and more rainy here. But the rain will pass. And, for our holidays, I hope it is not like other years and remains hot and sunny, even if it is the third week in August – not the best week for being on holiday here, in my experience.

In fact, if you wanted my advice, holidays in the Northern part of Italy should be taken in July for the hottest, sunniest weather, with June and September cooler (but still hot) but more risky for rainy days. August, around the 15th, is almost guaranteed rain!

But I did notice that, in the message I put at the start, I was mentioned first. I also realised that he is, really, really looking forward to going away with the dogs (and me).

He has an idea for Tuscany (this is NOT the holiday). The problem is the dogs (or the babies, as you will). His parents place means that we sleep in two very small rooms and he is concerned because they go to bed early (and are up early – which all sounds good to me) but (and I more than agree with him) it’s not so easy with the dogs. The flat, which he shares with his brother, is currently being used by some cousin or something.

I don’t know how many times I have to say that I was only joking (even if the reality was that I was only half-joking). His plan is that he goes down on the Friday and I follow Saturday afternoon. Then I stay Saturday night and I (or, maybe we) come back on Sunday.

“I want you to come to C”, he says. And I really think he does. And I don’t want to take the dogs to his parents. at least, not until they know me better or something. Gentle introductions are required here, I think. Even if they will never know who I really am and are unlikely to with the language barrier.

However, he is thinking of doing this in the next couple of weeks. Let’s see. With him, I can’t get too excited lest it doesn’t happen. His mind is still unfathomable to me. I know he thinks about things a lot but what actually goes on in his head is just impossible and I can’t follow his logic (if there is any) (and that’s after my advice to Lola earlier this afternoon hahahaha).

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We expect things to work and we certainly take things for granted. Yesterday, in my head, I was looking forward to the shower I was going to have.

Except after nearly three hours, the three men went away, leaving me with a brand, spanking, new boiler …………. which didn’t work!

Another guy came today to fix it. It took him a while but he has done it. It was a blockage!!  As I said to someone at work, today.  I had one guy to carry things, one guy to fit the boiler and one guy to watch them do it.  Now, I could add – and one guy to make it actually work!

So I went to lie down for a bit and then I heard the sound of someone coming in. It was my cleaner guy. Since he had to leave early yesterday (no water) he was going to add hours next Wednesday. Instead, he chose to come and do the ironing today.

So, tonight I have a long, hot shower AND I have all my shirts ironed.

Cool, if you see what I mean.

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Today, I was recounting the story of how F & I met. The girl, A, thought it was a lovely story. Of course, my blog allows me to recount the circumstances in more detail than I would ever remember and for which I am grateful. She also wanted to know how it was to be gay; when did I know?; what about girls?, etc. I explained. I have nothing to hide. She was a bit shocked but then, in this country, there is an unawareness about it all that still surprises me. I wondered if this is what it is like in most of the world. I am truly grateful that I was born and brought up in the UK.

But back to the blog. I’m not sure that I always say all of the really important things but I think I was, mostly, faithful with my recounting the story, since it was written at the time. It makes me wonder, if, in a few years time, some of the essence of the whole thing will be gone from the blog. It’s not really a diary, is it? It’s more a collection of random thoughts and random happenings in my life. Some things are deliberately missed (for various reasons); some things omitted by accident.

The boiler is being fitted; A dictionary that may help with training

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Well, they’re here. There are three of them to fit a small boiler! Not sure why so many. Maybe it’s ‘cos siamo in Italia?

At least it’s being done although I think that if I’d not chased, I would still be at work now, waiting for the call. Anyway, the important thing is that there’ll be hot water for a shower tonight!

And, I’ve seen this book. S, my colleague brought it in this morning. It’s a ‘dictionary’ – or, at least, that’s what it’s called. From and to Italian………..

and……………

cane! Yes, dog. Apparently there’s also one for cats and one for something else. I intend to go and get one for F. I know he will love it! From what I can understand of it it’s really quite funny (and has serious points as well). It covers the dog’s behaviour and why and, I think, I hope, how to stop it if it’s not good. I intend to buy it this evening, assuming the men have finished here, which is almost certain to be before the bookshop closes.

S has bought it to try and train her dog – or, rather, stop it from barking at cyclists and cars and stop it doing some other stuff but, maybe, we’ll find some hints as to how to stop Dino licking (everything). Other than that, he’s almost perfect.

Well, I say that. There was the other evening when he growled at F and then tried to bite me. Not that he did bite me as he realised he should not but his jaws were round my wrist.

Since then we’ve been having some rather serious training to ensure that he knows that, in reality, he is the bottom of the pack and not, as he might have thought for a moment there, near or at the top!

The training includes the going in and out of everywhere last and not first. Still, after a week of this he has got the idea and now waits for everyone to go through before he comes. It’s a start, anyway.

Of course, as with any teenager, he’s only flexing his muscles a bit but it has to be stopped anyway.

We’ll see if the book can help with the training. Especially, ahem, with the training of F as, actually, it’s the things F does that allows Dino the thought that, maybe, just maybe, he may not be the bottom of the pack!

Murphy’s or some other law

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The water starts to warm up. Of course it does! Today, after almost 2 weeks of not doing that, today, of all days, it starts to work!

What’s it called? Murphy’s Law? Or is that the one that says ‘what can go wrong will go wrong’? I am, of course referring to the law that says, at the moment you have decided/or are about to do something to fix something – it starts working again!

Today, apparently, is the day that the ‘technico’ comes to fit a new boiler. This is after almost two weeks of it being broken and me going round to F’s place for showers. And I’m getting fed up with it. I like my shower and I (yes, I’m aware that this sounds quite crazy) don’t feel clean enough! This after going round to someone to whom cleanliness is the reason for living!

I had asked the girl what time they were coming. Apparently, she didn’t know. I explained that it would take me one hour to return home from work. She said OK, she would ensure they rang me to give enough time and that, if I hadn’t heard from them by mid-day, I should give her a call.

It’s now 10.30. I haven’t heard yet. The phone is silent. I have not missed a call. I expect that I’ll be phoning her in an hour and a half. The reason that I hadn’t heard from the fat bloke (sorry – technico) before was that he had forgotten. I’m expecting him to have forgotten this fitting of a boiler too – or, if he’s not forgotten, to have found that he doesn’t have all the parts, or some other excuse.

Which means, probably, it won’t get fitted today. Which means, also, the hot water won’t be working tonight and so being squeaky clean will have to wait for another day.

Damn!

Outside my family.

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I phone Mum to wish her happy birthday.

It’s not my Mum, obviously, and I feel slightly strange calling her Mum. I always felt like this. But I know it will please her (both to call her Mum and to phone her to wish her happy birthday). I send my love to Dad and ask how he is. We continue for a short while on the phone. I’ve never really had long conversations with them. Not least because I couldn’t always understand what they said so well.

I don’t want to get into deep conversation with her. I know that she will start crying and I’m not good with that. She’s not crying ‘cos we’ve split but just because Dad is so ill. She holds off crying but, towards the end of the conversation I can hear it in her voice. I end the call. I can’t make things better for her or Dad (again, obviously not my real Dad).

I promise to try and get over to see them this year. She thanks me for calling and I believe she was really happy that I called even if the circumstances are difficult.

But I don’t know what V has said about us or, rather, about the ‘no longer us’. I know that he told C, his sister, that I am with F now. When I spoke to C about it she seemed really happy for me. But, then she would. That’s the way she is and why I love her still, even if she is not really my sister. It was over 20 years I was part of that family. Longer than I was with my blood family and so they remain ‘my family’ still, I guess. I have no other family to replace them, not that I’m looking for one to replace them.

There will be difficult situations ahead, that much I know. What with Dad being ill. Even if they are ‘my family’, I always feel a little bit of an outsider – and not just because of the colour of our skin. But I worry about them and think about them often.

There’s a reason for the name

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Of course, one should be clean. But, sometimes, it’s difficult – even with short hair. The beard’s the problem. It just seems to pick up every bit of dirt and becomes discoloured really easily.

So now, there’s a new ‘habit’. That of washing the beard. The bidet is used, the specific towel to be used is at the back of the bidet. Everything is ready – always.

I am instructed that I should do this every time we come back. Of course, I won’t. But, then, I haven’t said I would. I make some sort of grunt when I am told that this should be done every time. There’s enough to do without worrying about that. And, anyway, he’ll be there to do it, most of the time.

Dino is the worst. His hair is growing at an incredible rate! And, of course, that includes his beard and, as a result, it gets dirty just by dragging on the ground as he sniffs something or whatever.

So, I guess the ‘beard washing’ will continue until his next haircut, at least. They aren’t called Bearded Collies for nothing.

Gotta be more positive!

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I guess that those of you that read my blog will know that I am full of doubt; always worried about something; always concerned if I have done/am doing the right thing.

Except that, I guess, to my friends and colleagues (Pietro?) I probably appear to be confident and self-assured – always seeming to be doing the right thing.

Well, the fact that, should you scratch the surface, I have all this uncertainty is not entirely true. There’s the times when, both externally and internally, I feel good – confident, strong, sure. These times are with F.  It doesn’t seem to matter what shit I think I’m going through – within moments of being with him; being in his presence, the ‘problems’ just seem to disappear. It’s as if when he is there, everything that concerns me just falls away from me.

Also I received a rather good email today. And I chatted with my first, potential, student (well, the first this time round) and we’re meeting next week.

Still, I wonder if it’s wrong that, when he’s around, worries and problems don’t seem to have importance? At least, this week I have been doing some things to fix some of them and this continued today, so that’s more positive anyway.

Greetings; Strange thoughts; For me

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I know that he did it for me. I understand that and I wish I could explain to him that I understand that and how much I appreciate it.

I had picked him up from the airport. His plane had been late. I took the babies, just as he wanted. He was very happy about that, I knew. I watched, from the corner of my eye, the people around, smiling at the excitement shown by Dino, Rufus and F at seeing each other again. Dino had already had plenty of attention from people as I sat outside the terminal building, having a cigarette. For Dino all the people – too many people; the noise of the aircraft; the sound of the bags being wheeled around – all this was exiting and interesting. But seeing F was his biggest excitement. And he wasn’t sick in the car – well not until I was parking the car when we got back, anyway!

I had dropped F off at his flat. He would unpack and come round. He was very hungry. I suggested I got a pizza. He decided we should go there to eat. I waited outside the block of flats. But, he had changed his mind. It was too late, he said, which was true, really.

In the lift on the way back to my flat, we hugged and kissed. This was my time or, rather, our time for proper greetings. He felt good; he smelt good. I had missed him but also he had missed me, even if he didn’t say it. We watched the new video he had bought.

He talked about going for a session on the sunbed. I was surprised – but he’s quite vain, really – always more than I would have expected; than I do expect. He will shave his chest again, for the summer. I wish he wouldn’t but he will and, as he says, it will grow again.

I am so happy that he is back. I feel so comfortable with him. And then, at one point, a rather strange thing happened or, rather, a rather strange thing crossed my mind. Just for a fleeting moment. “What if I fall out of love with him?. Then he would just be a man.” This happened as he walked to the bathroom. I don’t know why I thought this. I mentally shook my head as if to dislodge this unwelcome thought. It didn’t come back but it made me feel strange.

And later he made me feel so good and I know that he did it for me. He doesn’t say that he loves me but I know that he does.

The new things

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[This is from a week or two ago] – They are very shiny – being new. He is so proud of them. I had wondered how long it would take and now, finally, they are here.

As is the soft-toy rabbit.

They are, of course, for the dogs. There are three shiny, new bowls. 2 for water and one for food. And the toy is similar to the sheep I bought a few weeks ago. Dino loves it and it makes a noise when you squeeze it so he loves it more.

We go out to a party as planned. We come back to my flat to collect the dogs – and we get some food too, obviously.

We take the dogs out and go back to his place. “Will they like the new bowls?”, he has asked me. I assure him that, even if they say nothing, I’m certain they will love them.

He fills the bowls with water. Whilst he is filling the third with food, Dino finds the rabbit and starts playing with it. He is happy (that’s F and Dino).

He is so proud of the things he has bought.

I may not have a key to the place but I think that Rufus and Dino’s positions in his home are secure.

Dentists, Doctors, Vets – hmmph! And more information about the dogs than you probably needed to know!

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I wonder if it is because I am older and, therefore, more cynical? Or is it because I have much more experience? Or is it because they are crap now? Or have they always been crap and I’m just finding out?

I know, before you tell me. That’s an unfair thing to say. After all, they’re only human too! Nobody can be perfect. And, it’s not really that I blame them, they are, after all, “general purpose” and something/someone like that can never be really perfect or know everything, can they?

Still, I find it annoying when they don’t listen. I’ve had my own problems; done my own research. I’m no expert either but it’s all kinda logical.

I had a lot of problems with my teeth. Sure, I could have cleaned them better in the past but the cleaning was not really the problem. No, the problem was that I ground my teeth…..a lot. And the grinding and clenching was for about 20 years. The pressure that caused meant that my teeth broke and meant that the ‘bite’ was not good and meant more pressure which led to severe gingivitis.

So, Dino has always had a problem with his teeth. When he was a puppy, his bottom set of milk teeth, especially the canines, went inside the top set of teeth, which is, of course, all wrong. When his second set came they were better but still not perfect.

As a result, on one side, he has what looks like severe gingivitis. But, really it’s just where one of the canines goes up into his gum, having spread the two teeth above, apart. It doesn’t seem to hurt him, he has no problem with grip or eating. I check it from time to time to make sure it’s not getting worse, of course. Eventually, probably, he will have to lose a couple of teeth but right now it’s fine.

The vet, looking at his teeth decided, quite wrongly, that the teeth needed cleaning. So he was telling me about this special cream for gingivitis and how I can clean them with a toothbrush and had a look again and then said ‘they’re not so bad, though’. Doh! Really? During the conversation, he ignored all my comments about why the teeth were like this and, anyway, one can see that the bottom canine is the wrong alignment and is ‘hitting’ the gum, thereby forcing it back!

And then there was Rufus. Rufus is over 14 now. He’s like an old gentleman. And, as with humans, as one gets older, lumps and bumps and warts and other things appear on your skin. This is normal. Of course, these days, they’re called “tumours” (and when, exactly did that happen?). It could be benign. Rufus has many of these “tumours”, which I told him (and then couldn’t find any, of course).

The problem with this lump is that it got damaged and now Dino, licker extraordinaire, will not leave it alone – which is just making it look so much worse. Anyway, he’s taken some samples for testing and I have to apply a cream, twice a day, for a week. Then we go back next week to see how it is.

He also asked me about the food I feed Rufus. I had to explain about the fact that I have to be careful these days. Rufus’ stomach doesn’t take so well to all food. We have a mix of Pedigree Chum with some cheap stuff from Carrefour (all dried). The Pedigree Chum binds him too much and he finds it difficult to go to the toilet – the cheap stuff loosens it all so that it’s more or less fine. He realised that I knew what I was doing. He did suggest something else but I explained that I had to be careful changing the food for Rufus – otherwise he got the runs. He understood. But, if I hadn’t been so obviously knowledgeable about my dogs dietary needs I know he would have been telling me to go for something else (and, obviously, something much more expensive!).

At the end of all this, I am a responsible dog owner and I know my dogs. And I know what they need. And, sometimes, I know, better than the vet, what is ‘wrong’ and if it’s something to worry about or not. The tumour thing I asked about only because, unless I make it better, Dino will continue to lick it and continue to make it seem bad, which it is not.

Oh yes, and he also told me that Rufus had some arthritis (which I know and which is obvious) and that his liver was a bit larger than normal. Yes he is drinking more; yes, I know that it’s going to happen but it’s nowhere near as bad as the last year with Ben – so everything is OK right now. Let’s face it, Rufus is very old and will die sooner or later. As it is he is doing really well and, whilst he’s not in pain and still has a good quality of life then it’s OK.

As the vet (the one in the UK a few years ago) said to me about Ben – I will know when the time has come!

The games of a relationship – part one – jealousy

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Relationships are bloody difficult, for everyone, it seems.

A, on a ‘break’ from Fr, and I went to this cocktail thing last night. The wine was good. The food was good. It was ‘finger food’, A’s new craze right now. He’s doing us Sunday lunch this weekend – which will be finger food.

Fr phoned him several times. He was annoyed.

“She shouldn’t be phoning me because we have agreed to meet at 9.15″, he moans to me. He doesn’t answer her calls.

As we’re walking away from the cocktail do to his car, he tries to phone her.

“She’s switched off her phone”, he moans further.

I ask where they were going to go. He says just ‘for a walking’ near to her place. I suggest that he goes to her flat anyway – the risk being that she doesn’t answer the door. I also suggest that he doesn’t say he was in the swimming-pool all the time as, if he gets to see her, she will smell the alcohol on his breath. I suggest, instead, that he blames me (as, anyway, she blames me for his drinking too much).

I tell him that he should stop playing games with her. Her phoning and he not answering. Then him phoning and she not having her phone on. He, of course, denies playing games, as, probably, would she. But, the reality is that, as in any other relationship, he (and her, probably) is playing a game. We all do it to a greater or lesser degree.

I don’t know whether he went round or not. I will email him now.

And then, this morning, S, my colleague, was upset. Upset because of her husband who she had seen, sitting at a café with other people. One of these people was a woman who, some time in the past, he may have had an affair with – perhaps – maybe. And she rang him and so they had a fight. So she wanted advice (but, as is normal, didn’t really want advice at all but to be told that what she planned was the right thing). She’s going to change her route because then she doesn’t see it – but, of course, that doesn’t mean it goes away. Her husband, of course, denies everything. She then spoke about, maybe, she should start going out with her friends. It’s more game. I suggested that she didn’t as going out with her friends meant that she would be doing it to try and make her husband jealous and if it didn’t work, then where would she be?

And so, interrupted by colleagues, she has been telling me the story over the last ‘x’ years. And why it all happened and asking what I thought. And I feel sorry for her as I do for A and I wish I could make it better for them but I can’t. But I did try to explain to her that I, too, have these feelings of jealousy – it’s just that I know what they are and I force myself to act in a proper way and not give in to them.

My example was this week. F texted me to say that he was going out with a friend. Of course, my immediate reaction is – who, what, why, where????? And what relationship do you have with them? Or have had with them?

I do none of that. I know that for what it is. And I prefer that he feels free enough to tell me this much. Later, on the phone, he said that he did not stay with them and went out for dinner on his own. It was complicated and he will explain it to me after; later; apparently.

And that’s OK. Maybe I will mention it or maybe not. In any event I have to explain the other night so that he knows I am not angry with him. Maybe it will come out then. Maybe I should explain that I have the feelings but don’t act on them. Maybe. Perhaps. Or not, of course.

A asked me when will we move in together. I said not now. Not yet. Maybe never. He didn’t understand. I said I would wait for F to decide. He thinks I’m crazy and that I should push. I know that I should not. When or if it is right, it will happen. F complains that his flat is too small. It will come – in time. There is time (or, at least, one has to hope for time). And, anyway, if there is no time, then there is little to be done about that.

In the meantime, I am, again, like a rabbit in car headlights. The fear of everything is causing me to freeze; to do nothing and, therefore, making everything far worse. However, today I did some stuff. And some stuff is better than the ‘nothing’ I had been doing until now.

At least, now, finally, the weather is more like summer. High twenties already and set to get higher with almost clear blue skies.

Even if my life is not perfect, I love it still. F returns tonight and I shall pick him up – he asks if the ‘babies’ will be there too. I say maybe. And, as he flies into Terminal 2, which is smaller, maybe I will take them. I know that Dino would love it. And so would F. And, as long as F and my dogs are happy, then that is all that matters.

And, whilst I may play some sort of game with our relationship, it’s not the one of A nor S nor their respective partners and I will not let the jealousy thing become the thing that controls me and takes me over. Each time it happens I will make it stop in my head.

It’s too nice a day to have problems like that.