An English Teaching job that wasn’t

I had an uneasy feeling about this. I very nearly texted F with all the details – the address, the phone number, the name, etc.

It had been a strange phone call. All in Italian and, unfortunately it didn’t really make sense.

“I saw your advertisement in Easy Milano”.

“Do you have a computer?”, he asked. I replied that I did. “Because I need to have this program modified”, he continued. “Do you have a key?”, he asked. Hmmmm.

He sounded like he was mid-forties or fifties. I said that I didn’t really understand what he wanted but that I would come and see him and we could discuss it – just like we could discuss the price (which he wasn’t happy about). I thought that this was a man who wanted to have some computer program which either taught him English or was a test of English, altered to suit him or make it easier or something. It was probable that it couldn’t be done but, anyway, the price would be at least double.

In the morning, I thought that, perhaps, I should ‘forget’ my laptop and then phone to say I had forgotten it; or just not go; or make some other excuse. I felt that it would be a waste of time. He was, quite probably, a beginner. And he didn’t want to pay for anything.

Of course, my judgement was clouded because, although I didn’t know the particular area where he lived (I looked at it on Google Maps whilst he was on the telephone), it was very close to a place that FfI and I went to see a flat, when I was looking for flats, last year. This place we went to was an out-of-town council estate. I say estate and, of course, since this is Italy, there were no houses, just huge sets of blocks of flats. The flat we went to looked like it had been used as a drug den. I can’t tell you how happy we were to be leaving and getting back to the comfort and safety of Milan proper.

>So, this place was another couple of blocks down.

I had a vision of what would happen. He would certainly be paying for this.

I parked the car next to a car that looked as if it had been vandalised – the front windscreen smashed, the bonnet and front end looking like someone had rammed it. The small car park looks like the sort of thing that was built on the same sort of estates in the 50s and 60s, when no one who lived in ‘those sort of places’ could possibly have afforded a car! The car park had weeds growing – this is how it would look a few months after the whole of the human population had been wiped out – like you see in those sci-fi films.

I got out. I checked with a guy who had just parked his car, that I was on the right street. Yes, I was. The huge, ugly block of flats loomed ahead. Must be several hundred, maybe a thousand, flats in this complex.

Should I take my computer (in a briefcase) or not? Would I be mugged? No, I was being really stupid, I decided, even if there were signs everywhere I looked – one can read too much into things.

I go to the entrance to the block. the block is actually several blocks, all joined together, round a large garden with flowers and trees. I find his button. He answers. I am to go to the F Stairs. The first one on the left is A. As it is, F is nearly the furthest away. I pass all the flats, some with amazing displays of flowers, others with what looks like junk on their balconies. Overall, though, it wasn’t like that other block I had been to before, just up the road. This was not a crack-dealing estate and may, even, be privately owned flats.

Still, I wasn’t entirely happy about it all.

I got to entrance F. I had to buzz again. He let me in. I was to go to the top floor. The seventh.

As I entered the building, the usual smells of flats hit me. This, like any other block, smelled of the latest food cooked. I idly wondered if, in reality, the smell was so different from the ones in my block? It seemed so but maybe that was only my preconception, given where I was and what I was doing. It wasn’t pleasant, in any event.

I thought about the first flat I had ever lived in. When V and I got together. We lived in his council supplied one, near the heart of Birmingham. Just down the road from the red-light district. I remember getting in the lift sometimes (we lived on the 10th floor). It was like this, except that this lift (the one I was in now) didn’t smell of piss like the one in Birmingham often did. Still, it brought back some memories.

When I reached the top floor there were four possible doors to his flat. As I stepped out one was opened. I guess this would be the one, I thought.

My jaw nearly dropped to the floor. In front of me, holding the door open, was an elderly man. I don’t mean retired or anything. I mean O.L.D. He was, probably, in his eighties! He was hunched over and he shuffled, rather than walked.

My first thought was to laugh! This guy wanted to learn English? Why the hell would he need or want to do that?

It’s warm in, what looks like, a one room flat with a single window. There is a door. It could be a bedroom……. or, maybe, just a cupboard. It is very hot. I ask if it’s OK to take my coat off.

I ask him if he speaks any English. He does. It’s not brilliant and he doesn’t have that much vocabulary but it’s passable. He asks where I come from and I explain, as I do, that he won’t know where it is before telling him and then explaining where it is. He tells me he’s been to Bristol. Not that far away after all.

We sit at his table. In front, at the back and slightly to the left is a covered-up typewriter. To the right is a single desk lamp. Between them is a CD and a usb key. In front of those two things, closest to him, is a book; a red-bound book that looks as if it has been well used.

He points to the book. I suppose this is an ‘English’ exercise book although I have never seen one like it.

He opens the book and starts explaining that, as he points them out, these corrections are to be made to the text (or the layout or the spelling or whatever). When all the corrections are done, he would like it transferred to the usb key (to send to the publisher, probably).

As we go through the changes he requires, I ask questions. I suggest that I’ll do it at home – it will be easier. He is doubtful but, as we go through the changes he wants, he becomes more comfortable. I obviously know what needs to be done and can understand his notations and symbols and writing that he has done.

I make sure that I can read the CD and that it is a program I can change. I ask him how long it took him to write (for it is a HEAVY book – not a nice novel for bed-time reading). 38 years is the answer!

I assume he must be some sort of retired professor but it turns out he was a photographer. It took him 38 years because he needed to see and interview some of the people who are quoted in his book. There were some from China, Japan, Africa, etc. It took time for it all to be arranged. He wrote it in Italian and had it translated. The problem is that the translators are not from Milan and, for these few corrections, he wanted someone closer.

We have, in some sort of way, ‘got on’. We were both wary at the start, both unsure – me of his requirement, he of my competence. As he shuffled behind me as I was leaving, we were smiling; he reminded me of many of the people I have met at the festivals.

“Well”, as I pointed out to him, “this is much more interesting than just English teaching”, without adding that ‘and, I can do it at home!’

Life, the play starring Me (and You, of course)

Well, I guess it had to happen sooner or later.

And now what?

We live in a huge social network experiment. We (OK, maybe not YOU, my lovely reader but certainly me), even knowing the fact, continue to be part of this experiment. It’s an experiment simply because we really don’t know the implications of it all.

Facebook. A wonderful tool for keeping in touch with friends who live some distance from you. I chat (either on Facebook or Skype) with people that, normally, I would not stay in touch with. Take A, just the other day. I saw she was online in FB and started chatting with her. It was lovely to reconnect as we haven’t ‘spoken’ for quite some time. I made her laugh (apparently) which is, it seems, just what she needed right at that moment.

I have, of course, checked out my sister on the site. I get a feel for what she is doing; where she is; who she is with. It satisfies my curiosity. She, of course, has the connection with my brothers and my nephews and niece. It’s enough for me and just about as close as I want to get.

As far as I know, she is not in touch with any other friends of mine. Certainly, none of them are friends on FB. And my name is, thank goodness, so common that there are thousands of me. I have no picture on my profile that is of me but, rather, my dogs. Even if you came across me by accident you couldn’t know, for certain, that I am who I am.

But, I guess, some people are determined.

And now I have a friend request from a very close friend of hers. I know they are still friends (via FB) and they still keep in touch in a way that only women seem to do. Or, maybe, that’s everyone except me seems to do.

I wonder how she found me? I wonder if she trawled through the site until she saw a likely me? I wonder how many other people she contacted with friend requests? Or was she just lucky?

And, now, what to do?

I am a great believer in ‘everything is for a reason’. People come into and go out of your life at different times to serve or having served a purpose or for you to serve or having served a purpose. Nothing is accidental – improbable, maybe, accidental, no. Each contact brings more out of us or teaches us things about others and ourselves. We play a role, a lead role, in this play called life. Everyone we come into contact is also a lead role but maybe in a different version of the play called life.

But, I cannot deny, I am apprehensive. This could open up a lot of old wounds. Is the right thing to do to accept the friend request or ignore it? Is there a sinister reason for it? Or, is it just like it says on the tin – a friend request? After all, we were once friends (even if that was through my sister).

The problem with this one, of course, is that it then opens the door to the rest of them. Starting, of course, with my sister.

Then, again, it could be an interesting door to open. After all, my name is not Alice and there is no Wonderland the other side but perhaps there’s something, something interesting, perhaps? Something wonderful? Unlikely. Something sinister? Maybe. Certainly something or, of course, perhaps, nothing!

The only question in my head is – once open, can I close the door if I choose, or will someone put there foot there? Ah, well, there’s only one way to find out!

Back to the grind; a little lopsided

Well, finally, I’m on my way! Yessssssss!

I met my first student yesterday. Very sweet and, I think, it will be a lot of fun. Then, I was telling FfI and it might be that she can put some work my way, which would be very cool.

And I did some things I have been putting off; tidying stuff in the house and sorting some things, so I feel like I really did something this weekend, which also makes me happy.

Now, tonight, I must start digging out the stuff I need to teach English and start doing the photocopies and stuff.

Saturday night, we went to a ‘new’ restaurant – Piero & Pia. We sat outside as it was warm but with a nice breeze. I had goose liver pate with some warm, sweet bread, followed by rack of lamb (and for once, here, in Italy, it was cooked right – pink) with roasted potatoes and then a thick, creamy rice pudding with a sprinkling of sultanas and a light dusting of coconut for sweet. It was all delicious. With wine and water it was something around €50 per head. Not outrageous but not cheap either!

The only problem was at the end. F insisted on paying for it all. It’s just that I really can’t afford it right now but I’m annoyed at myself for being in a position where we can’t go ‘dutch’. This is one of the reasons for going back to English teaching. It will just give me the spending money I need and, hopefully, will just give me that bit extra for our holidays. I know F can afford it (the occasional meal, etc.) but that’s not really the point.

Ah, well – soon it will be different :-)

Going or not going? More importantly, why?

“you know, other things ……..work, house, you, the babies :-)”

I can be a disingenuous sometimes, it’s true. Of course I knew the list included me and the babies. When I said that I wasn’t sure this morning, when he asked if he should go, I was hoping and wanting him to say this. Even if, last night, he was a bit concerned when I told him that I may not be able to get the ‘sitter’ for the dogs and, so, maybe wouldn’t come. He suggested that I could come on just the Sunday. I said we’ll see. No, he doesn’t want to go unless I am coming or following behind. But this morning I said that he should go. He needs to see his parents and has, probably, promised his best friend. Or, rather, nearly promised.

Still, we all need confirmation about the feelings of those around us, from time to time, don’t we?

And so he isn’t going. And, so, I’m not going either. There will be another time. It would be so much easier if we could use his house. Then we could take the dogs and all would be fine. Let’s hope it becomes free soon.

Meetic – why do I still appear on people’s lists?

Sorry for the non-posting. I’ve been a bit busy, not had enough sleep and feel like crap, to be honest.

But that’s not the point of this post.

The point of this post is to say to you out there – do not trust Meetic with your money!

Several times a day I get notifications, by email, that someone has viewed my profile.

I know, having used it for several months last year, that most people at the ‘top’ of any list are those that are online, followed by those that have been online in the last few days.

Except that I haven’t. So, unless by extraordinary coincidence, people are trawling though old profiles or being so specific in their search criteria as to have found me as being one of the only people, Meetic are placing me at the top of lists for no apparent reason. It almost makes me want to sign in as a fake person to see where I DO appear!

Maybe I will. But not today.

>F will be away in his home town at the weekend. I may go down on the Saturday for the night. We shall see. That’s not what is making me feel crappy either.

Inevitable

It’s started. No, it had started some time ago but now it’s more. It’s difficult to get up. Getting up requires help. It was inevitable but just as I thought that, maybe, I had got it wrong and there was a long time to go, it hits and makes me sad.

As I say, it was inevitable. Still……..

Of course, it doesn’t help that the floor gives no grip. F realises this. He jokes that Dino can come to his place and I can stay with Rufus at mine. Later he says that he might get a large piece of the stuff they put under carpets here to stop them slipping – a sort of mesh thing. I think he will. Before that he had said that we would have to spend much more time at my place.

I picked the place because of the dogs but didn’t realise that the floors would be quite so good. They have a roughness that allows grip – not shiny wooden or marble floors which offer none.

So I help him to his feet. He will get used to this. I will do it for as long as it needs to be done, the only worrying thing for me will be that he may be in actual pain. I hope not but, of course, he cannot actually say. I can’t remember how long after the falling down bit it was before Ben died.

He’s OK when moving – stumbling a bit from time to time now but OK. Ben was much worse. F suggested that we have to keep them apart a bit now. “Why?”, I asked. “Because he will miss him when he’s gone”, he said. And, so, he wants him to get used to it now.

I don’t know how long it will be. Maybe months; maybe many, many months. It only happened the one night. The next day he got much better and now seems OK. But it will happen again. I’ve seen it before.

It’s still sad, even if you know it’s coming.

Losing control

I don’t.

Well, there was that one time, back in May last year. You know, Karl Spark and all that.

Then there was the time about 22 years ago.

It’s not that I am so controlled it’s just that I try to make sure it seems that I’m in control, whatever mixed-up, messed-up, emotional crap I may be having a battle with inside.

For example. Anger. Sure, I get angry but, generally, you’d never know it. And if I get angry, I always wait a little for the anger to subside before doing anything. I can seem angry at the drop of a hat and do this sometimes. It has the right effect. But, actually angry and showing it – not if I can avoid it.

I find it difficult when others around me show too much emotion. Crying for example. I don’t know what to do. Do I hug them? Do I place a hand on them? Do I tell them not to worry; that everything will be OK? Do I tell them to get a grip?

No, emotions I don’t do well. Better, by far, to avoid (theirs and mine).

Which is why the current situation is so difficult. Hmmmm.

I am frightened of going and losing control; of becoming caught up in the emotional thing; one might say – ‘of being human’. No, I don’t like that idea at all.

True Lies

Of course, one always has to read between the lines. The truth is out there but is not said.

In addition, I feel that, maybe, there’s something wrong with me. Or, maybe, it’s just circumstances. I feel nothing. Well, that’s not entirely true but I don’t feel as I feel I should feel. I wonder if that is because of the walls I have built, the ones that permit me to be safe but, from the outside, may make me seem cold and uncaring. Or should that be ‘unfeeling’?  I can put on a show but it’s inside that really counts.

“They’ve asked if we want a priest”. Nothing is said between us – between her crying and me being calm with the uneasy sensation of not having any feelings. I think we know what that means. I mean to say, I think that we agree on what that really means. Of course, we say nothing.

“Yes, they said he had a good night”

“Is he awake?”

“No, not yet. I need to ask some questions this morning. His brain was starved of oxygen”

Again, we both know what that means. Or, at least, I think we do. Again, we don’t say anything, for what is there to be said? Except the truth. So we hide behind the lie that, if he has ‘had a good night’ then all is well, which, of course, it is not. I strangely find some relief in that lie. And I can feel the feelings welling up inside me – which only makes me think and question why there was none before. I know that, if I were there, I would cry. But I am half a world away (not literally) and so I do not.

“I think he’s trying to get a flight today”

“Yes, he needs to come”

Of course he does. We both know that it may not be long now. We knew it before when he wasn’t eating. I suspected he was tired of it all; tired of life. Of course, I didn’t say anything then. She was much more determined to get him to eat but I think she understood what it all meant.

This is my view. Taken from brief conversations. Looking for the real meanings. Unable to ask the real questions. Why? Well, obviously, for fear of getting the real answers, I suppose.

Not, that’s not entirely true. Part of it was for fear of having no feelings. So, if I get no real answers I can have no real feelings. Like everything else in life, I prefer the true lies to the true truths, I guess. Then it means that, whatever feelings I have are not real feelings either. After all, real feelings may break down the wall and we can’t let that happen, can we?

I think about what may happen.  I discuss with F and try (very badly) to explain that I really don’t know what to do.  He tells me to do what I feel – and there’s the rub.  What do I feel? He suggests that I should go round but I don’t want to.  To go round – I know what that means.  I don’t even know the true feelings let alone the right thing to do.  I bluff that I won’t go round because of the people that might be there.  The people that, in some way, I blame for the split – even if the split was, in reality, because of us and not them.  But if I don’t see them then they can be nameless faces.  Not to I hate but to avoid.  For the truth of that is that it is better than looking for the true truth of that and better to have the true lie of that.

Of course, I’m also worried that, maybe, he will get the wrong idea about me being there to comfort him.  It was, sort of, mentioned by FfI when I phoned her to keep her informed.  Of course, I didn’t phone her to really keep her informed but to make sure that V had someone, having tried to get hold of other friends earlier without success.  I told her about the ‘priest’ thing but, of course, didn’t then follow that by the truth but rather by the true lies.

And now I write this – more to understand what is going on in my brain than to tell you anything.  It’s what I use this blog for.  Writing the true lies and the true truths just to get my head around it all and to discover the feelings that I do or don’t have.

Paralysis

I wonder – does the rabbit, caught in the headlights of the oncoming car, know that, if it doesn’t move, it will surely be splatted all over the road?

And, if it did know, why is it sat there, staring at the headlights?

If I don’t do this tonight, I will feel relief. But then I go through this tomorrow too. This continuous worry, constantly thinking about it.

And if I skip tomorrow, then it will have to be Thursday and then it’s almost the weekend and so, somehow, that’s OK.

Except, of course, it’s not OK at all.

And, because actually this thing is not really anything, at least not yet, then that’s a stupid feeling, for sure. But delaying it is not helping. No, not helping at all. And you, my lovely reader, would almost certainly not understand if I said what it was – but then, it’s not just the one thing it appears to be. Oh, no!

But, still, I feel like that rabbit. A rabbit with knowledge but nonetheless paralysed by fear!!!

It’s not a weakness, it’s just a feeling.

“It’s a balance”, he explains, holding his hands out, palms up, as if weighing something. “When one of you is stronger, the other is weaker”; the hands are not level now but one is higher than the other.

He’s talking to someone about their relationship.

“It’s like me and Andy”, he adds. “Andy is always…..” and, at this point he breaks off, pawing at the girl next to him, “…….and so, probably, it makes me seem cold”. “If Andy stopped”, he added, “maybe I would be different”.

“I don’t tell him that I love him”. I confirm this is true although adding that “you did say it to me twice” – not that I’m counting or anything.

He likes to do stories, though, to explain things. It’s kinda like Jesus and his parables. So he starts talking about his Aunt who was more like a grandmother to him and how he loved her (and so did his Mum) but they used to get annoyed with her sometimes for she seemed quite crazy (example – she wanted him to go to bed because it was school in the morning; he suggested that, if he went to bed ready to go to school (i.e. fully dressed), he could save time and get up later and and therefore could stay up later! She agreed!!!! So, at least on one occasion, he went to bed with the clothes on for school – this was obviously before he became the obsessive bathroom type) and was annoying but how, when she died, both he and his Mum wished they had let her do what she wanted. His point being that, even for the things that might seem to annoy us, we miss them when they’re not there any more.

And my only question – why doesn’t he take some of his own advice? Hmmph!

Of course, I could, were I to play this game, be a little bit colder myself; not always available; showing no affection, etc. Except, really, why bother? Why bother with all that crap?

And I know why he doesn’t take his own advice – because it makes him, in his view, weaker than me. But, you know, I don’t think that’s right. I don’t feel weaker than him just because I show more affection. Nor do I feel really ‘needy’. For me it’s simple. I love him; I want to be with him; I want to touch him and hold him. He makes me feel good. It’s OK for me to feel like that. If I’m not with him it doesn’t make the love go away. If I’m with him and can’t touch him it doesn’t mean I don’t want him any more.

But, if I get the chance to all of these things then I am very happy. for me, it’s a strength that I can still feel these things even if he stays cool. And, anyway, there are things that he does that tells me how much he loves me.

I want to tell him just to let himself go ……… it’s OK, I will be there to catch him.

In the meantime, here is this song, which I do like. In fact, I like most of the stuff the the Black Eyed Peas do.