Tag Archives: Experiences

Reconnections and visits and some apprehension

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This year’s going to be busy, I think. A bit “unstable”, of course, with PaC and the problem there and then there’ll be F and how he will react.

But, also, this year there are going to be a few reconnections with the past.

Towards the end of March, a guy, D, and his boyfriend are coming for a few days. I haven’t seen him for over 25 years. We’ve stayed in touch, just about (I’m talking Christmas cards). He hadn’t ever even met V (although he did see him, briefly)! I am a bit worried that, after all this time, we won’t really have anything in common. Except a past that I can barely remember due to an ability I have to shut off and eventually forget almost all things to do with my past.

Then, in early May, a friend from school days, R, and his wife are coming over. They got married 35 years ago (in May, when they are here) and it was the terrible occasion when I was the Best Man and did, possibly, the very worst Best Man speech ever. It was so bad that over the years, whenever I see, attend or watch (on film) a wedding, I am reminded of it and cringe inside. M (my first boyfriend) and I used to see them occasionally for a couple of years afterwards – but I probably haven’t seen them for over 30 years. Again, we stayed in touch – in exactly the same way as above. And, in exactly the same way as above, I am a bit worried that we won’t have anything in common.

So let’s look at what I DO remember.

Let’s start with R. At one point, probably my best friend at school. I don’t even know WHY we were best friends. He liked and played football and cricket a lot – I hated it. I smoked – he didn’t. We both liked drinking. That’s it. Things I remember: He was going bald by the time he was 17. He never had “girlfriends” whereas I always had a girlfriend (and look how THAT turned out :-D ). We used to (in the 6th form), go to one of two pubs at lunchtime and sometimes only return to school to catch the same last bus home (we lived quite close to each other.) My first holiday away from my parents (excluding the disastrous time they made me go to Boys’ Brigade camp in Guernsey – which had such a profound effect on my life thereafter) was with him and another close friend. We stayed in my parents’ caravan in Cornwall. It was just after we had taken our A Levels (the final examinations at 18 at that time.) My results came through while I was there and my parents couldn’t really understand why I could not have given a shit about the results.

So, at the end of all that, we were drinking buddies, I guess.

For D, he and his partner, S, were the second gay couple M and I met and became friends with. They were a lovely couple. Sadly, at the age of 21, S committed suicide which left D quite bereft. In fact, in one way (but not at all his fault), he was the reason that I found V and that M and I split after 10 years. In fact, that moment, in a club in Birmingham, was probably the last time I saw him, so that would make it close on 17 years ago.

So, I am a bit apprehensive.

On the other hand, J should be coming in the middle of March as I got her a ticket to Aida at La Scala. I’m thinking I might take her to Florence for a day. I think she might like that. And she is one of the sweetest people I know.

And S, my very Best Mate, should come over at the end of May for a few days and I am really looking forward to that.

So, already 4 different visits. It’s going to be a busy year.

Some hits and some misses

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I had a list of things to do on Saturday. Many things didn’t turn out as I quite expected and I did some stupid things.

So, I didn’t get up that early but after two mugs of coffee and a shower, I could face the world. After taking the dogs out, I went to get my cigarettes and went for breakfast (another coffee and a croissant) and did the supermarket shopping.

Then I went to have my haircut. Now, I may have mentioned in the past, but I have a rather weird thing about having my hair cut. It’s a bit like having sex in that it feels incredibly intimate. V used to do my hair for many years but, even before that, I had this weird feeling about having it done. And I still do. After V and I split, I went to a local barbers. But I didn’t really like it. Or, rather, I didn’t like him. Then I tried another barber and I didn’t like him much. Then, for some strange reason, I decided to grow my hair, possibly because I just hated having it cut. Eventually, I decided it wasn’t for me. I liked having long hair (I always have liked it) but it didn’t really look as I had hoped. So I went to get it cut.

And I happened upon this place and was appointed a hairdresser who tried his damnedest to give me the “David Bowie” haircut that I asked for. He was also a nice guy. And so, every 4 to 6 weeks I go back. He’s Romanian and has adopted the Italian version of his name (since Italians can be quite funny about being served by a “foreigner”.) We’ve talked during the haircuts and he’s told me how, eventually, he wants to return to his hometown and set up a hairdressers there. But, for now, he’s learning and so he will stay.

However, Saturday, he was telling me how he’s had a bit of a falling out with his boss and how his boss isn’t speaking to him now and how he’s looking to move somewhere else. I was uncomfortable with this given that I have these feelings about having my haircut and, now I’ve found someone I like and can trust, I don’t want to have to search out someone else. So, I replied to this news that I just had to know where he was going. He said it may not be for a while and I said yes, but I only come in every so often. So he suggested becoming friends on Facebook. And so now we are. And, providing he doesn’t move back to Romania or somewhere to far for me to go, I will be able to go to him. I feel like I’ve almost got a personal hairdresser again. Thank God! Although, at the same time, it feels a little strange to be friends with your hairdresser.

There was some shopping that I wanted to do. I went home and had a cup of tea first. After pouring the water out, I checked and the kettle did need descaling, so I filled it with vinegar and water and brought it to the boil. Then, as usual, I filled it with fresh water and put it on again. Before I would go out, I would turn it off, if it hadn’t boiled by then.

I finished my tea and sorted out more washing and then went out to get a) some thermal underwear (I need it for when I’m at work), b) some jeans and c) to look at possibly getting a new earring.

First, I went all the way across town to the sports shop and got some underwear for when you go skiing. after all, sometimes it is probably warmer on the slopes than it is at work.

Then back to the centre of town. It is sales time here and I thought I would go to the Iceberg shop and get some more jeans as their jeans have a cut that seems to fit really well. Obviously, it’s been some time since I’ve been to Iceberg. I say “obviously” because it’s no longer there. No problem, I have my phone. I’ll look up their website and check out where the shop is now located. Except the location was where I was – so the website wasn’t up to date. Perhaps they don’t even have a shop any more?

I was disappointed but thought that, at least, I could look for the earring. I wanted one like the one I lost. A diamond from Tiffany. Tiffany, being a jewelers, won’t be having a sale, I knew but the beginning of January would be the right time to go as, in the run up to Christmas, they have queues running outside the door!

However, it seems that January is as bad as December! The queues, whilst not outside the door, snaked round the shop. I decided to go back another time and went home instead, not entirely happy that the only thing I’d got was underwear!

As soon as I opened the door, I remembered. I remembered that I had had to turn the kettle off before leaving. Unfortunately, having NOT turned the kettle off meant that it had boiled dry. Having boiled dry, it had heated up. Having heated up (it’s one of those you put on a gas ring and it whistles when it boils), it started to melt some of the plastic which makes up the lid. Luckily, it didn’t melt the handle nor the whistle and the plastic only melted “in situ” so didn’t melt into a horrible mess on the cooker. And, after it had cooled, I found that it does work, just not as well because some steam escapes from around the lid, so the whistle isn’t at strong. But at least it works!

So, it was a day of hits and misses.

I have emailed Iceberg about the shop – but haven’t heard anything yet!

Normal service has resumed.

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Day 1:

So, that was that.

Christmas that wasn’t like Christmas at all, New Year that was, more or less, the same as normal and, with the new flat this year, more dinners than we normally do, so quite a busy couple of weeks.

And, although my pear and Gorgonzola tart went down very well, if I never have to eat it again, it will be too soon! :-)

F also had a birthday. The “real” present has not yet arrived; it should be here by the end of this month. As some “temporary” presents, the dogs “bought” him the DVD Osage: Orange County and I got him the book “The Humans” by Matt Haig, in Italian, my absolute favourite book of 2014. I hope he likes it. He’s in London until Sunday so he may get chance to read it.

And now I’m back at work for the first day back. Obviously, it’s a bit of a drag but it could be worse – I could be without a job! So, one has to be grateful for some things.

Day 2:

Last night, a friend was “passing through” Milan on her way back to Africa. I arranged to meet her although we knew it would be quite a short meeting. In the end, we had enough time to race to catch the bus she needed to get to the airport. It meant I didn’t have time to take the dogs out until much later, so, then, I had to stay up later for their final walk which means, now, that I am again as tired as I was before the Christmas holidays! All that good work gone, disappeared in a single night!

Now I need the weekend and sleeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeep!

Breakneck speed …..

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As we hurtle, at breakneck speed towards the “time to go back to work” and the “time it gets to be effing cold”, I thought I’d get you up to date ……

Most years, I wish for snow at Christmas. It never happens, of course. Maybe we have some snow before Christmas but that’s gone by Christmas Eve. But, just once, it would be lovely to have snow and for everywhere to look like it does on the Christmas cards.

However, this year, I didn’t wish for snow because, for the first time ever, I would be travelling on Christmas Eve and the road/motorway I would be travelling on would be through mountains – so I definitely didn’t want snow. I didn’t even want rain, to be honest.

So, secretly wishing I wasn’t travelling but, rather, staying home, I travelled. There was little traffic and I was down there by the afternoon.

F had put the heating on for a full day but opening the door, it was like a sauna. My glasses steamed up immediately. The house has a damp problem. A big damp problem and the heat, instead of drying it out, just created a steamy atmosphere. I opened windows, hoping it wouldn’t be so bad.

To be honest, I was a little bit worried for the dogs. I’m not sure that the humid/damp atmosphere would be good for them but there really wasn’t anything I could do.

That night, we went to his cousins for something to eat. I was bloody starving as I hadn’t eaten anything all day. I had planned to have something for lunch but our cleaner was in so I didn’t and she only left at the time that I was leaving so no chance to grab something quick. I ate like a bloody horse – so much so that this was the butt of jokes over the next few days.

We slept at the house. We switched the heating off and it got very cold and damp during the night.

The next day, Christmas Day, we went round to his parents’ place to say hi. PaC, to me, didn’t look worse than the summer except he was slower and seemed resigned, almost as if he had had enough.

Then we went to the restaurant for our Christmas lunch. Christmas lunch with the extended family (not F’s but the cousin’s). It was OK but once I caught myself thinking that I may have preferred to be in Milan, on my own. Still, it was nice and I was included. F drove back and was going to drop me off at the house and then go his parents but had a headache and asked if we could go to his parents’ first and then I take the car to the house. I was to have a bath, take the dogs out and call him. I didn’t call him because it meant he could stay with PaC and I didn’t want to disturb that. Eventually, around 9, he called me. He had been sleeping and had a bad cold (which he had had before Christmas but now it was worse.) We agreed that, with his cold, it would be stupid for him to come over to the damp house to sleep and so he stayed here and I stayed at the house with the dogs. I left the heating on low all night.

To be honest, without him being there, it made it possibly the worst Christmas I’ve ever had. At least the one Christmas I had been on my own, many years ago, I had the comforts of home. Here I had no computer, no films and not even a TV! It was really dreadful.

The next day, we were to meet at his sister’s to have lunch. When we got there I said, as I decided previously that morning, that I would go home after lunch. I mean, what was the point of staying if I wasn’t even going to have the nights with him? He was happier with that too as it meant he wouldn’t have to worry about me. And, so, I came home and happier to be here. F said that it didn’t feel like Christmas and for me, it was worse, it was a crappy “weekend”.

But it’s done and over now. New Year’s Eve was the usual dinner with (mostly) self-invited guests. We put on a wonderful spread with help from FfI and her friend, H. We finished at 4 a.m. I think it was successful.

And now, tomorrow, is F’s birthday. The special thing which I helped to fund via Kickstarter has not arrived in time, so it will have to be a birthday present to come later. In the meantime, I’ve bought an Italian copy of The Humans by Matt Haig, my favourite book of 2014, a DVD and one of those cards with the year he was born.

Tomorrow, as well, because we didn’t have our usual Boxing Day lunch with P and A, we shall have that, to celebrate his birthday. Then there’s a dinner party for A, my friend, and his girlfriend on Monday, then Tuesday is the “take the tree down” and him getting ready for London and Wednesday is all back to the usual grind.

And, apart from the day before New Year’s Eve, when he was a complete bastard (but I’m trying to be so patient with him given the circumstances) it’s all been either OK or, in the last few days, quite lovely. We now have TV and so we’ve been spending some time watching films and stuff in the lounge, which has been nice.

From Wednesday, he’ll be in London for over a week and I’ll be struggling to get back into the swim of things.

And, so, I hope you all have a great 2015. Wishing you all a very happy New Year.

Nearly there.

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Well, here we are. Christmas Eve. Happy Christmas to all my readers.

Last night, being as F is already away, I went out with FfI and H. We sat outside Gattò. They had heaters. After finishing one bottle of red wine we decided to have something to eat but stayed outside so we could smoke. The food plus another bottle of red wine later and my toes were numb from the cold. Still, it was a nice evening.

And now I am almost packed. The last few things need to go in when my cleaner has finished in the bedroom and then we’ll be off to Carrara to join F.

The dogs seem to sense something is up as they aren’t leaving my side.

My usual Christmas Eve, last minute (on purpose) Christmas shopping won’t be happening this year – and I shall miss it. But, then, this isn’t really going to be a Christmas like others. Tomorrow we’re at a restaurant. I have no idea what I shall be eating but it’s unlikely to be some sort of fowl, I guess. Neither will this be the “Christmas with the in-laws” that I had supposed when F, earlier this summer, mentioned that we could have his mum and dad up here for Christmas. Still, such is life.

I hope for a loving Christmas which I think we shall have. I shall be back in two or three days and then we’ll be getting ready for New Year and our dinner party which should be a joyous occasion, I hope. So, love and joy this season, good food and friends and family and, of course, the dogs. The important things in (my) life.

Bastard weekend. And the tree.

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It’s been a strange weekend.

First, on Saturday morning, we went to buy a tree. We chose one and had it delivered. It fitted perfectly.

I left him to it. I did ask if he wanted help but he said no. The strange thing is that we can do certain things together but for other things, we just don’t rub along. In this way he reminds me of my father, for whom I could never do anything right; I was never ready with the correct tool or correct thing; it was boring because I wasn’t actually allowed to “do” anything. With F, this is much the same. So, as last year, I left him to it.

But, obviously, that wasn’t quite right either.

After some time, I heard a load of expletives and so I went to look. Apparently the adapter, for the lights, was broken and, worse, he couldn’t get the broken one out of the socket. I started to suggest something but, as usual, he talks over me so I shut up. Then we have the usual “go on then …. say what you were going to say …”

I made a suggestion. I went to get the screwdriver. I asked if I should do it. He, grumpily, moved out of the way and, within 2 seconds I had removed it.

Of course, we didn’t have another. I offered to go and find one.

Now, here’s the thing about Italian plugs and sockets. They can be very different. Some plugs have two pins and some three (in a line, not like the UK) and sometimes the pins are “fat” and sometimes “skinny”. The fat ones seem to be on the larger electrical items (fridges, cookers, washing machines, etc.)

So, we needed and adapter with thin pins which allowed both thin pinned plugs and fat pinned plugs to be connected – like the broken one.

Off I went, carrying the broken one because I needed to find the same type. I went to three supermarkets and managed to find one which only allowed thin pinned plugs to be connected. Then I went to one of the Chinese shops and found one which did allow fat pins to be connected – but one of the fat pinned sockets was with a special “round” extension that didn’t allow all fat pinned plugs to be connected.

It was no good.

I said I would take the dogs out and have a look on the way.

I found another Chinese shop and got another adapter which was possibly going to work. Then I found a hardware store. The guy gave me an adapter – like the first one I bought, only for thin pinned plugs. i explained that I needed it for both types. He told me they didn’t make them any more (which explained why I couldn’t find them) and gave me a single converter for thin to thick pins. I said OK then I have both and plug the converter into the adapter. He said this was wrong/bad/something similar – but sold them to me anyway.

Obviously, this worked. And we only have the lights on when we’re there, so it’s OK.

The tree looks lovely.

The Xmas tree, F and the dogs

That night he had the shop Christmas meal.

The next day, after breakfast, I did some cleaning things. He said he wanted to reorganise the kitchen cupboards “because I can’t find anything.” He had mentioned this the day before and suggested something to which I had said OK. This time, he opened one cupboard and queried why some pans were at the top of the cupboard and some in the drawer. I explained (I thought) that I’d already tried that but, because the drawers were not fixed to the wall, the extra pans made the whole thing to heavy and it fell forward when you opened the drawer.

But, it seems that to his ears I was saying that I didn’t like the idea! Or, at least that’s what I guess.

Then he started on a rant about how everything is always done the way I want it. I said that it wasn’t true but he stops listening when he’s “on one.” So I shut up. Then I get how all English people are the same and just stay quiet followed closely by how selfish I am which is followed by how everything has to be done as I like which is followed by how the washing is always done when I want. The logic of all this escapes me. I laugh, for what else should I do? This is insane. Obviously, the laugh was in frustration but, possibly, the worst thing I could do.

So that was that.

I continue my polishing of the silver and doing the washing. We didn’t speak for the rest of the day. I watched a film; he watched a film. He went out.

He came back. “I’ve bought you some cakes. Well, obviously, they’re not all for you.” I thank him. I put them in the kitchen.

I ask, a little later, if he wants something to eat. He doesn’t. I take a shower and ask, again, if he’s sure. He says no, he’s still full from last night. I make myself some pasta, eat it and have one of the cakes. I go to the bedroom and thank him.

All other “conversation” is me telling him what I’m doing. Which is only when necessary. I try not to be angry but it’s hard. His argument still makes absolutely no sense to me. It has no merit or logic! I absolutely did not say that stuff had to be in a certain place, I just said that making the drawer too heavy meant that it would fall over when you opened it! I just don’t get it and realise that, in so many ways, we are so different. But, as I say, once he starts, there’s simply no speaking to him. I tire of it and I don’t want it. If I hadn’t been in the middle of cleaning the silver, I think I would have gone out. Next time, I probably will.

I realise that the cakes were some kind of peace offering but it’s just not good enough.

And, then again, I try to be somewhat sympathetic. After all, the thing with PaC and his aunt dying earlier ……..

I have a feeling that, this morning, he may have re-done all the kitchen cupboards anyway. We shall see.

In the meantime, life goes on. I don’t feel like going down to Carrara now. I want to say to him that I won’t go. And, then again, I think, perhaps, how miserable he feels and, so, I won’t say anything, of course.

Flexible Plans

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We learn more.

On Friday, F went to two doctors and got 2 second opinions. It seems that what had been said still holds true. I learn that a timescale could not be given and we could be talking 6 months or a year. Or less.

F is not looking forward to Christmas. However, we have agreed to do a tree as it is the plan to still have our New Year’s Eve dinner party and we want the flat to look festive.

The plan, so far, is that he will go down next Monday and I will follow on Christmas Eve. Christmas Day will be at a restaurant with his cousin, his uncle and some extended family. We could be about 20 people!

The day after, I may go to his mum and dad’s place, if PaC is OK with that. Otherwise I’ll go to his sister’s and he’ll go to his mum and dad’s on his own. Then the following day I’ll come home. Or, maybe, Boxing Day instead of going to his sister’s (the day after Christmas – called Santo Stefano, here.)

Then he will come back home on the 28th or 29th. Things may change, of course.

We went to FfI’s place last night. It was her friend’s, H, birthday. At some point, they all started talking about cancer and who was dead and who wasn’t. I badly wanted to tell them to shut up, but I couldn’t. How could I when he was there? But I felt for him even if he made no show of being affected. Then last night he didn’t sleep. It may have been because he ate too much or may have been because of the conversation. I don’t know.

In any case, it felt insensitive. Even if at least one, and maybe more, didn’t know about the situation.

And it crossed my mind, at some point over the weekend, that it will be difficult when wishing him a happy New Year, when it comes to it as, most likely, it won’t really be so good.

Mistakes and Risks

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Of course, I don’t know it’s a mistake but it might be.

But, sometimes, you must take the risk. And, contrary to someone’s thought that I hate them all, I only despise a few of them (hate being too big a word – they aren’t worthy of my hate.) The others are unknown and, me being me, I have to take a chance that, maybe they shouldn’t be despised? Maybe, they aren’t, as I see it, corrupted by “that man”.

So, now I’m in this place that makes me feel uncomfortable. I have the feeling (and, in some sense the reality) of being “watched”, of being “under surveillance”. And, in some way this is true since, even if the source is hidden, the visits are there. And I’m not quite THAT stupid.

You see, I like two things in particular. Films and books. For me those two things are, more or less, interchangeable in as much as, reading a book plays out in my brain in exactly the same way as watching a film. The printed words become images in my brain, the things people say in the books become spoken words in my head. Film is just an easier version of the movies in my head.

So, as a result, I have helped to fund several films. We’re not talking thousands here, just some money. As a result, I will have some DVDs coming (next year, I hope) with these films. It does two things; it makes me feel good that I have, in a very small way, helped the creation of something new and it gives me a new film. The one that has been completed and is currently being touted around film festivals is She, a horror film that made me squirm. I would say, for a male, this is more horrific than horror. But it’s very, very good and I’m happy to have been a part of it; to have helped it come to fruition.

So, having seen some stuff a while ago which I thought were all rather good, it seemed quite normal and natural to me to help someone else out. It’s just another one. And, of course, it’s NOT just another one. I probably wouldn’t have known about it had it not been for a set of circumstances. And then, as I write this, I wonder if, in fact, those circumstances were really random or planned or “supposed to be”.

The problem is that the irregular contact that has been made has never turned out to be entirely pleasant. Or, rather, have, so far, turned out to be rather unpleasant. But, you know, surely one of the times has got to turn out better? Hasn’t it? And I go from not wanting to go further to saying “Oh fuck it” and letting it continue (or, in this case, reluctantly pursuing it, sort of), to retreating back as if I’m some sort of hermit crab, to the safety and security of the life and situation that I have brought myself to.

And, it’s a good life and a good situation. Do I really want to taint this with something that, so far, has only brought anguish and bad memories back? Pain and a feeling of being kicked in the balls?

Oh, fuck it!

In the past, these “mistakes” have always been made when my good nature got the better of my desire to leave the past in the past. When I’ve tried to help someone out. Each time, at the end, I say “never again” until, of course, the next time. Even as I start to help, I get these moments (sometimes a lot longer than just moments) where I question myself as to what sort of shit I think I’m doing, as it always ends in tears!

The last time, I tried to be so careful and then, at one point, even if my concerns were still there, I let it run away with itself, not realising that I was being played for a fool. But, at least, in the end, I realised what an absolute c*** that person was/is.

But that was then and this is now. And now I find myself in the “same ole shit”, you could say. So, in helping someone realise a dream of theirs, because I think the dream is worth it, I am opening myself up to be kicked in the balls again. Partly, of course, I’m doing it because of who they are but mostly because I actually think their dream is worth pursuing. And, after all, the sins of the grandfather cannot (surely) be held against them?

So, the question is: Have I made a mistake again? Will I never learn?

And the answer to those questions are maybe and no. Every time I have to have faith that THIS time it will be different. After all, we’re now talking about people who don’t actually know me and to whom I have been, until recently at least, a rather mysterious and broadly unspoken-of person.

So, I’ll give them the benefit of the doubt and wish them luck and hope they make it, in the process of which, I see some results which I think are more than worth it.

And, still, hope to God that this time it isn’t a mistake on my part.

p.s. I was partly prompted to write this as a result of reading this.

Funny week that wasn’t funny.

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It has been a funny old week, really.

F came back on Monday afternoon. Unfortunately, I’d got up late and by the time I’d taken the dogs out and had coffee, my appointment was coming, so no time to give the flat a quick clean. I did, however, complete all the washing in between everything else.

After my appointment, I knew that the most important thing was to get the Christmas cards finished. Which I did, expecting F to let me know he was leaving Carrara to come home. He didn’t tell me and arrived as I was almost complete with the Christmas cards. But this meant that I hadn’t cleaned anything.

He ironed whilst I finished the cards. I took the dogs out and he cleaned the floors of the flat “because it won’t have been done in 3 days.” Which, of course, was right however, it is difficult to keep the resentment inside and not to make some remark. After all, it wasn’t like I did nothing over the weekend. In fact, I hardly stopped except from Saturday when I did relax a bit – I was so very tired.

Anyway, I can ignore these comments and move on, which is what I did. I had something to eat and then suggested we watch the film on the TV (connected to the computer) which was fine for two films on Saturday night.

The problem was that it didn’t work. There was no connection. It was disappointing, to say the least. I did a quick look on Google and found out why. The adapter is prone to overheating and, instead of unplugging it completely as I had done previously, after Saturday, I left it plugged in and it had, sure enough, overheated and has probably burnt out. I’ve ordered another. I hope it arrives on Friday.

We went to bed and at some time after I fell asleep I had a very strange dream which, as normal, turned into a nightmare. It was all to do with hospitals and me being unable to escape. Then, later, at 4 a.m., I woke up – wide awake, like it was 8 or 9 in the morning. In spite of doing my best to drift off again, at about 4.30, I got up, frightened that I would wake F.

At 5.45, I retrieved my mobile phone from beside the bed, switched off the alarm (this is important for later in this post) so that it wouldn’t wake F and got up.

I left a little earlier. We had clients in and I needed to do some things before they came. As I’m walking along the road towards my car, I spotted the market setting up, as usual, on a Tuesday and realised that I had completely forgotten about that and my car was parked in the way. All I needed this morning was to have my car towed away!

As luck would have it, my car was still there although they had just started setting up the stall by my car, so 15 minutes later and it would have been gone. But I was relieved, to say the least.

But, it was no good. A lack of sleep was already “killing me.” By the time the customer arrived, I had sunk into a black mood.

Coupled to that, my credit card had maxed out the previous week (remember the tickets for a friend to go to La Scala?) and I needed to get that fixed as a payment had to be made later this week (and more of that later, or in another post.) So, at one point, I left the customer in the hands of Engineering. Fixing (increasing) the limit was not important but, contrary to the information I’d been given by phone the previous week, it would NOT take a couple of hours to upgrade but up to 2 days – which would have been too late! I was a bit pissed off, to be honest, which was not helping with the day I was already having.

But, with nothing to do that was within my power, I could not stay angry. Just a little frustrated. Oh and getting more tired as the day progressed.

That night, I had people coming and no time to sort out real parking so I parked in one the residents’ areas, hoping I wouldn’t get a ticket.

By 10, I was in bed although F was watching a film and so it was quite difficult to get to sleep. I suppose I drifted off about 11.

At 6, exactly, I opened my eyes. And, thank God! I had forgotten to put the alarm back to “on” and it should have gone off 5 minutes before! Having rushed to get out, I found that my gamble with the parking was OK in that I didn’t have a ticket.

I had decided to order a new adapter for the MAC to TV and did that first thing. Wednesday was a little better, even if the meeting with the customer was so, so boring (it’s engineering stuff and absolutely NOT my bag) and I was still very tired. Also, the offices, as usual in the winter, have become cold. So cold that all you can think about is how cold you are.

Now it is almost the end of Thursday. The customers haven’t been here today but are returning in about an hour to stand around and witness something. After yesterday (it being so cold), I am NOT wearing a suit but am wearing warmer things.

I am still tired and exhausted. F will be here this weekend which has it’s good and bad points.

And, as an update to Christmas, the latest thing, according to F is:

He will go down a couple of days before Christmas;
I am to follow on Christmas Eve or even Christmas Day morning:
Depending on PaC, I will either stay down a couple/few days or come back almost right away.

I don’t really fancy travelling down there for only a day. But I will, if that’s what he wants. But, of course, it’s still all flexible.

Other things that I have learnt are that some people in the family want a second opinion because they want something (some cure) to be done. Except, I have a feeling that for PaC, no “cure” is desired. But that’s only a feeling, of course. In the end (I know because I asked directly), F didn’t speak to PaC about my coming down. I think (and he hinted as such) he’s going to do this at the last minute – and by that I mean Christmas Eve or Christmas Day. He also bought some x-rays back with him. I found them on the table. I think he is going to show them to someone but we haven’t spoken about it so I don’t really know.

But, the whole thing becomes tiring and if I feel like that, I can only guess what his family feel like! In the end, he’s not going down this weekend. For one reason, PaC would find it too strange. For another, I suspect, he is exhausted with trying to prop up the family, trying to make out that everything is OK, like he does.

Last night he was away, for work, and sent me a picture of a tree. I wonder if he’s still going to decorate the flat? And, if so, I wonder why? If I were him, I wouldn’t do it and yet, maybe, it will help him feel better, more like Christmas?

Lights and decorations are everywhere now but I don’t feel in the least Christmassy. Still, I get F for the whole weekend, which will be lovely. Probably.

Christmas Things – update.

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So, on a lighter note than recently, the Italian Christmas stamps have been issued and I have ordered 50 of the non-religious ones, which are also the right price for Europe.

The one I have ordered is this:

Italian Christmas Stamp 2014

The religious one is this one:

Italian Religious Christmas Stamp 2014

I have also purchased, today, a Christmas-cum-birthday present for a very dear friend. It’s tickets to La Scala as once, when she was over, she said she had always wanted to go to La Scala. Having been there once, I knew that the best places were in the stalls and so I have bought 3 tickets (F, my friend and me). It’s not until March of next year but that should be fine. I hope.

For Best Mate, I also have to buy some things but I will do that in the next couple of weeks. One thing has to be done at almost the last minute.

And, apart from the present we have bought together, for each other, and the Kickstarter thing that I am hopeful will come before F’s birthday, at least, that will be it this year.

And I’ll let you into a little secret. I told someone about the possibility that F will go down and I will stay here for Christmas and they made an immediate offer for me to join them at their parents’ house. And, you know what? I’d prefer to stay home, just me with the dogs. After all, it’s not like it will be a fantastic Christmas this year and I quite like the idea of not celebrating it but spending the day, just me and the dogs, going for walks and watching some films. Seems bloody ideal to me. But the offer was very kind. I expect there to be a few more to be honest. And F will have this idea that I shouldn’t be on my own, of course. But it’s fine by me. It’ll be a day to myself and, in spite of myself, my head is already selecting the films that I will watch.