Another night.

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Of course, I could be dreaming.

Except I know I’m not.

“Dino”

“Blood”

“Vets”

“Tomorrow”

“Look”

There’s panic. I’m used to this panic. It’s not the first time. At first I thought he used the Italian word for tick. As I wake enough to move, I grunt something. I don’t know what time this is but, in any case, I was asleep. Deep, deep sleep but, quite obviously, not deep enough. And anyway, him being Italian, the well-being of others is not always foremost.

Except, of course, Dino. That is foremost and the worry that occurs when he thinks something isn’t good is incredible.

I try to move. My back still hurts. The “belt thing” I’m wearing is hot on my back but, although it’s quite pleasant, it hasn’t cured the pain …….. yet.

I get up slowly, cursing him in my head. I’m not really awake, to be honest.

Dino is lying on the bed. He is hunched over Dino.

Dino has been licking his paw and that is where I am to look.

There is something red on one of the pads of his paw. But, although it’s red, it’s shiny (but not in a “wet” way like it would be if it was blood) and it seems to have flecks of silver or something. I touch it and it’s not wet. It can’t be blood. I scrape at the edge. It seems to be something stuck to the pad – a little like chewing gum.

My eyes can hardly stay open. I wonder why he hasn’t tried this. But, of course, that’s not fair. He hasn’t owned dogs. He doesn’t really know. He has no experience. Still, it’s very dark o’clock and I was very asleep although less so now. I want to say “for fuck’s sake ….” but I don’t. I don’t complain about being woken up.

I tell him that it’s just something stuck to Dino’s paw. He can see it now, I think. I haven’t taken it off, I’m too tired and can’t be bothered. I get back into bed.

He apologises and I reply with “It’s OK”, even if it’s really not OK.

I am already lying down. I wish he’d turn the bloody light off. But, of course, he is determined to get this “thing” off the paw. And so he does.

Then he turns the light off and tells me that he’s going for a cigarette. I mumble “OK”. after he turns the light off, I look at the digital light on the ceiling that tells me it is something like 12.30 (but I’m not too sure since my eyes are not really working.)

I go to sleep. Another night of disturbed sleep then.

A supermarket is a supermarket is STILL a bloody supermarket

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Italians like their food. Especially fresh food or proper original food.

Therefore, the best pesto (apparently as, to be honest, it’s NOT my favourite thing) is made in Liguria (and, more specifically, Genoa.)

Obviously, you can get pesto here, in Milan. And, sometimes, F, who is just a tad crazy over pesto, says that the pesto is good (normally the fresh pesto sauce we get from the local pasta shop – yes, they have pasta shops selling just pasta and sauces.) Rarely has he said that about anything we buy from a supermarket.

There have been exceptions, of course. The Parma ham I got from our local Carrefour was, apparently, rather superb. It was from the deli counter so was cut extra thin, on his instructions, didn’t have much fat and was “sweet”.

If we want some much better food than the supermarket, we go to the pasta shop, the veg shop, the butchers, etc. For really good fruit and veg, the Tuesday market is the best.

But, if you want really special versions, go direct to the producers, of course. The very best mozzarella that I’ve ever tasted was one that F’s parents served up one time. They get a lot of their food shipped specially to them (from relatives) or from local small holders. F, for example, doesn’t like to eat eggs from the supermarket because they aren’t “fresh” (his words.)

Supermarkets are great for cleaning products, dog food and stuff like that. Day-to-day food (coffee, sugar, dried pasta,etc.)

They buy in bulk and get everything for a good price which means they are cheaper. But, things like strawberries, etc. are, usually, pretty bland and tasteless (as is mozzarella, imho).

Even up-market supermarkets aren’t that “wow!”

And up-market supermarkets will quite happily sell you the same (for example) wine that you can buy at Billa or Carrefour but at a much higher price.

Now, I confess, I’ve never been to Eataly. But, I know people who have. In Milan, just recently, a great theatre (Smeralda) was closed down, was refurbished and re-opened as the flagship Eataly store in Milan. People swear by it. But, so I have been informed by someone who knows a thing or two about wine, it is nothing more than an up-market version of any old supermarket. It sells some “special” things and then some ordinary things but at much higher prices.

But, I have to admit, their marketing is definitely up-market in that people really believe they are getting something special. I’m sure there are some things that really are special. However, I suspect that most of it will not be although the prices will be special.

In this country of wondrous food, this kind of faux-speciality really annoys me.

Instead, if you want the real stuff, seek out the smaller shops that really do have something special.

Move along, please. Nothing to see here.

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Shhhhhhh!

It’s only a thought and not at all definite but ……………..

We went to see a flat last night. F had already seen it whilst I was at The Visit and was taken enough with it that he arranged for us to see it together, after work.

Of course, now that the clocks have gone forward, it is light when I get home and so possible to see things straight away rather than waiting until Saturday. It’s not far from the “Perfect street”, so very close to where I live now. The street is much quieter. The flat is much larger than our two flats together. The rooms are huge (well, not the kitchen but still big enough to fit a table) and there is the room for me to shut myself away (if we fit some doors to it – for some reason, apart from one bedroom, the bathrooms and the kitchen, doors have been removed!)

It needs us to fit a kitchen (a fairly normal thing here). We could find some old doors to put on my “studio”. It’s lovely and big and very light (F’s requirement) and has four balconies of various sizes (from quite small to quite large) – meaning plenty of spaces for the dogs.

It’s in a 1930s building – not the best I’ve seen but still nicer than something new. There’s a doorman/woman until 6.30 every evening (which means I don’t have to wait for parcels until Saturday) and, it will be cheaper than our two flats.

There’s just one thing – it’s on the 4th floor. The 4th floor is OK (it’s at the top of the trees in the road which is why it’s quite light) but it’s also a long way down when you look over the edge of the balconies.

Anyway, we’ve discussed pricing and offers and stuff and now F will do his stuff.

Oh, and it has another advantage – 3 months’ deposit but only 1 month’s rent in advance and then pay monthly – which does make everything much, much easier.

And, so we’ll see. But don’t say anything, just in case, eh?

The Visit

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It was like attending a very important job interview.

My hands were sweating and it was difficult to concentrate on anything much.

I arrived at least 10 minutes early, as you do. At first, the receptionist thought that I was trying to make an appointment but when she gave me some date in the future, I realised. I couldn’t even really understand her – my little Italian had deserted me somewhere in my mashed-up brain.

The seats in the waiting room were the usual plastic chairs, arranged around the walls, a single coffee table in the centre of the room with some reading stuff which I didn’t read. The receptionist informed me that she wasn’t here yet. Hmmm.

I tried to play a game on my phone but I just couldn’t concentrate. About on time, she arrived and I was told to go in.

Of course, on principle, I don’t ask “permesso”, since I had made the appointment and so she was expecting me and had been informed that I was there and had already asked the receptionist to show me through. So, why ask permission to enter? It never makes any sense to me. By all means, do it if you are not expected or have not been invited or have not already let someone in to your building (so you know they’re there.)

Anyway, she was really nice. Asking me questions that, most of the time, I didn’t know the answer to or had some idea but couldn’t be sure. But that was fine.

Then I asked my questions and, more or less everything was OK. I only asked about 3 questions, so not too harrowing for me.

However, as expected, there are more visits to come. Which is a pain.

And I was in a bit of pain but I didn’t let it show. I “did my back in a bit” when brushing Piero on Sunday. My own fault. Still, I didn’t want her to see I was in pain.

And, so, on to the next visit!

And I survived, which is good :-)

Someone’s Day

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It’s always someone’s day and today it’s Mother’s Day (in the UK).

Today is the day when you think of your mother or remember your mother or give her a call or a card or a present or all these things.

A mother gives birth to you and then brings you up, sacrificing many things for you. Loving you beyond reason. Looking after you; being there when you need someone and everyone else has let you down or worse. Someone who loved you whatever. She would be so proud of your successes. Would support you when there were failures. Would just “be there”.

I read about them. Mothers. How there is some special bond between them and their children. How people miss them when they’re gone. How much they love them when they are alive.

I always wanted a mother.

I mean, physically, I had one, obviously. And I lived with that woman for the first eighteen years of my life. I understand other people’s relationship to their mothers. To a point. But, of course, without that, one can’t fully understand and so I understand and, yet, don’t understand. I see it but I see it from outside – like a kid looking in the window of a sweet shop but who can’t get in. You understand the sweets are nice and, well, sweet but, having never tasted one, how can you really know the sensation of eating one?

Of course, I could ring V’s mum – who always treated me like her son and would tell everyone that I was – even if that was impossible. But I won’t since that seems too presumptive and intrusive. After all, she didn’t give birth to me and didn’t raise me for the first eighteen years of my life. She met me when I was 30. And, in spite of the fact that she was always sweet and lovely to me, we don’t have that special bond that can only be with a mother. I always thought she was just saying that, to make me feel better. Which it did as I realised the niceness of it.

So, I won’t be phoning the woman who would be known as my mother. She’s quite vindictive and hateful. For most of my life, she hasn’t been there. She’s a shadowy figure best forgotten.

And some of you will think that’s sad. But that’s because you have a mother that isn’t/wasn’t like that. You had someone you loved deeply and who loved you back. Therefore your feeling of sadness comes from the fact that you didn’t have the a mother like I did. And, for that you should be grateful. And there may be those of you who never knew your mother. And perhaps you feel that I should be more conciliatory. But, then, you never knew the woman who gave birth to me. We can never really walk in someone else’s shoes. Never experience their experiences for we are all unique. And all mothers are unique, even if you never knew them.

So, I say happy Mother’s Day to all mothers who are/were truly mothers. But for one, I can’t say that.

It WAS all damned lies, as I thought

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I don’t know how I feel.

I mean, the feelings are all a little mixed up.

There’s a feeling of anger but it’s not so strong.

There’s a feeling of sadness. Not for anything that was “missed”, since it wasn’t. For the people involved, I suppose.

There’s a feeling of relief. After all, there’s now no way that I will be found, nor even looked for. And there’s a kind of finality, an ending, a closing off. A closure.

And, there’s a feeling of hate, of course, for certain of those people involved. Hate is not a good feeling but it’s not something I can stop. But, to be honest, I expected nothing better from the females.

It would have been better, of course, if, as I had expected, my name was not even mentioned. But it was and that was to be specifically excluded. Other people who, perhaps, should have been mentioned and who I expected to be mentioned, weren’t. That was unexpected. But, still, they weren’t specifically excluded. But I was. Well, of course, it was my fault for even wanting to see it, I suppose.

Well, there’s nothing I can do about it now and I wouldn’t have done anything about it even if I had known it would make a difference. Not that I expect that it would have made any difference. Then or before.

But, I suppose what gets me the most is the lies. The lies from all those years ago and from the time when I gave someone a chance – but who was lying all the time. Still, that’s sales people for you. It’s what they do. Lie.

And, yes, it smarts a little. But not really a lot.

After all, it’s reciprocal.

And all these feelings will pass and I’ll be back to the same and at least now I know and it’s exactly, more or less, as I thought. Except for one thing. There is no future (for this thing). There’ll be no surprising call or message asking for a last meeting or anything. Something that had been worrying me a bit since I couldn’t work out what my response would be. Well, now I know.

And, I also know there was no feeling for me and that’s OK. In fact, that’s better for there was none from me either.

But, still, the hand-written addition, excluding only me. Their final message to me. But, at least it’s final and done now.

And time to get on with my life.

A concert, the weather and the dreaded Visit.

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Well, I managed to book for Kate Bush ….. eventually.

Not the date we wanted, nor, even, at a weekend but at least I got some. I saw her on her first (and only) tour back in 1979 (in Manchester) and I remember it quite well. It was an amazing concert. Obviously, this one won’t be so “energetic” but I imagine she’ll do a good show in any event.

I have been so busy of late. So much so that this weekend will be a relaxing weekend. The temperatures should be in the 20s (°C) and it should be sunny – so that means a walk with the dogs, at least.

Of course, there’s the nagging thing about “The Visit”. That hasn’t gone away. The list is quite long now, which is to be expected. Few people know about it, which is the best thing.

Of course, it’s unlikely to be just this one. I’m expecting some other “visits” will have to follow. It’s almost like I shall be “sucked into” this thing. Like getting stuck in whirlpool – going further and further down, getting completely caught up in rounds of “visits”. I’ve avoided all this, so far.

Other things are being “sorted” but much more needs to be done before everything is ready. Still, one thing at a time, eh?

Update: And, apparently, I was lucky to get any tickets!

Believe the headline and become stupid.

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The overall stupidity of people, although expected, shocks me still.

In the UK you can make a will. Normally you make it with a solicitor although you can make it on your own, as long as a witness (or, maybe two) sign it.

The will determines who/what you wish to leave all your assets to when you die.

A married couple will, normally, elect to leave their assets to their spouse. They might also leave something to their children. A lone parent may choose to leave their assets, equally divided, to their children.

Or, of course, they may not.

Some people choose to leave their assets to a charity. Or to someone who isn’t a relative. Or to only one of their children.

In other words, British people can choose who to leave their assets to – there are no rules but the will must be legally binding.

People who think that they SHOULD have been included in the will can, of course, contest it in court. But it has to be proved that the person making the will made a mistake or was unduly coerced by a beneficiary. This is only worth it when there is a lot of money at stake. Most ordinary wills are not contested.

For example, I doubt very much if my mother has included me in her will. And I very much doubt that, even if it were worth millions, I would be able to successfully contest it since we haven’t had any contact for over 25 years. I could hardly claim that I had a right to a share, could I?

Of course, some Christian principle may encourage her to leave me something. Or, from what I read, if she were Muslim, she would be expected to leave a share to me and exclude my sister. It wouldn’t seem fair but, then, wills aren’t meant to be “fair”. They are meant to express the wishes of the deceased.

So, I read today, in the DailyHate Mail, of a very rich guy who will not be leaving anything to his son!

Now, whilst not being a fan of that newspaper, it is seen as being an OK thing to do since he is saying that his son has to work for his money (and that’s OK according to the right-wing press).

And, yet, in the same paper, yesterday, was a story about how solicitors have been issued guidelines to help them when they are writing wills for Muslims.

This is because, according to their religion, there are “rules” that are meant to apply when someone dies. Of course, without a will, British law would apply. These guidelines are to help solicitors help their Muslim clients to draw up a will that is within British law but that follow the rules of their religion.

Unfortunately, these rules seem to be known as Sharia Law. And so, the headline leads people to believe that “Sharia Law” is being built into British law.

Which is just plain wrong and totally misleading.

And makes the people “shouting” about how terrible it is that “Sharia Law is being enshrined into British Law” seem really stupid.

And, to be honest, THAT really annoys me.

The Visit is booked.

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Well, it’s been done now.

Or, rather, booked.

And, even though it’s over a week away, it is, kinda, scaring the shit out of me.

Which is stupid, I know, but that’s the way it is.

Of course, I have a list of things to talk about given that’s it’s over 15 years since I last paid a visit. And it’s the list that’s been growing in all those years.

And, then, of course, she’ll be Italian with all these weird, Italian beliefs.

And she’ll want me to do things that I don’t want to do (apart from the obvious things, I mean, that I won’t do anyway).

And I suppose most of the things on my list are, well, more or less, nothing. But you never know. One of them might actually be SOMETHING. And I would prefer if none of them were anything at all. But it isn’t as if I am 20.

I’ve thought about writing the list down. So I don’t forget. Or, rather, so I don’t clam up and am unable to remember any of them at the time that I’m there. Or after I mention the first one.

And, anyway, what’s the most important? How do I prioritise them?

And, of course, there’s one that I just might not mention.

I know I should but I’m not sure that I’m ready. At least, not this time. Maybe next time? If there’s a next time.

Of course, there has to be a first time.

And just because it’s booked doesn’t mean ……….

Well, you know what I mean.

But i must try to overcome this resistance. This internal resistance.

I mean, sooner or later, it has to be done, doesn’t it?

Or, does it?

Well, let’s see how I feel next week.

Maybe I’ll feel better about it?

Although I doubt it, to be honest.

It’s just an ordeal.

To be gone through.

To be suffered.

I guess I’ll suffer, then.

Maybe.

Difficult, 14 and gay? Don’t let the story get in the way of the headline.

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Yesterday evening, I spent a few hours with the lovely Lola and, at one point we were discussing how misogynous Italy is and lamenting that Italy hadn’t really entered the 21st Century.

Talking of which, there was an “interesting”* conversation at lunchtime between some male colleagues that went something like this:

Colleague A: I took my daughter to volleyball practice
Colleague B: And I imagine you enjoyed watching all the girls
Colleague A: But they’re only 13 so not really. It would be different if they were 18.

OK, really, it wasn’t said like this but near enough. All I could think was – but they are the same age as your daughter! So this is almost like incestuous desire!!!!!

And, here’s another thing that makes Italy just a little bit “backward”.

Of course, if you read it carefully, it does seem like the foster parents were trying (and not quite as the headline suggests, packing him off as soon as they knew) and only “gave up” because a) it became very difficult and b) everyone “asked” them why they were bothering.

I would like more background on this story. I’m wondering if the real problem is not that he was gay, per se, but, rather that life with a 14-year-old was too difficult or whether peer pressure played a part. Let’s be honest here, a 14-year-old is quite a handful. A troubled 14-year-old, more so!

Or, even, if they were being “bullied” by other parents?

In any event, my heart goes out to the kid who has obviously not had it easy whichever way you put it. I know what it’s like to be certain of your sexuality at that age. The difference is that I never told anyone and kept that secret for almost another 5 years!

* And, by interesting I mean disgusting