Tag Archives: Relationships

The flat is like a tardis; A strange thing about moving into a new place (in Italy).

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Of course, it’s not all over yet. I mean, it’s not like the ‘moving out’ is the final thing and today is the first day of the rest of my life (although it is, of course).

No, in the end, there were many things that I forgot, left behind, etc. Was this a subconscious decision on my part to ensure I had to keep going back? Or was this, as I suspect, just plain laziness/running out of time?

So, I took the modem/router but, with my new, not-working, Alice system, I don’t need it (the Telecom guy said that, in fact, I can’t use it! I think he’s lying). So, tonight, after a I go and pick up some shoes and other stuff, I shall be returning the modem and setting it up for V in the half-empty flat that, even as I was leaving it, felt too large for a family of four, let alone two. Or, maybe, I have become (a little) Italian?

Or, maybe, my new flat is just like a tardis? After all, empty, it seemed tiny. Before, with her stuff in it it seemed quite big. Now, with my stuff in it seems even bigger. How on earth can that be?

And there’s a strange thing about Italians and flats for rent. I have mentioned this before but it is quite common for people, on leaving a rented flat, to take the kitchen they have installed. In this case the kitchen is not all that great but, at least, it’s there. Together with (not brilliant but not bad) fridge; good, but small washing machine and adequate cooker – and sink and drainer (which most of you, outside Italy, would take for granted anyway). Certainly all the light fittings are taken – even the bulbs. This means that, until I find all my lamps (major hunt going on tonight) and then buy some light fittings (and get someone to fit them), I am walking around with one lamp and my mobile phone. The mobile phone being used instead of a torch to find the socket into which I may plug my lamp!

I did think that there were not that many light fittings available anyway. In fact, I could not remember any. However, I now find there is at least one in all rooms except the bedroom where there is none. However, none of the ‘fittings’ have anything except wire – I mean no actual light/bulb/fitting – just bare wire. This means that I need light fittings AND someone to fit them, me never being happy with messing about with electricity, especially if on my own. V always did this stuff.

And, therefore, I may take the wall lights from the lounge that we fitted and one or two other ceiling lights. V had offered. I had thought about asking him to come and fit them but I think that may be a bit much and would, but maybe only in my mind, mean he has a ‘hold’ on the place – just because he was ‘involved’ in setting it up. Crazy? Maybe, but I do want this to be my place.

So, at least for the next few days, I shall be returning to ‘collect’ some things and to ‘return’ some things that the removal men packed because I couldn’t watch them all the time.

As you see, it is not ‘over’. However, maybe things will change when he’s moved out? Or, maybe, they will be the same or similar?

Internet? What’s that?

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So, V was supposed to move out before me.

Conversation – 1 or 2 nights ago.

A – They’re closing the gas, electricity and telephone.

V – Well, I don’t want the telephone.

A – But, that means no email or internet.

V – Oh.  Then I need it.

I’m not sure exactly how he’s going to manage without me.

(But, to be honest, I don’t know how I will manage without him either – for other things, obviously)

It’s not all great, you know?

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I don’t want you to get the wrong idea. The last few posts have been quite upbeat. The reality, though, in my head, is quite different.

I am, to be frank, scared shitless. I move on Wednesday. The movers are booked. The gas and Electric and Telephone have all been sorted (although we are in Italy so it doesn’t actually mean that it will all happen without any hitches). But none of this matters.

V has been extraordinarily nice recently. And yet, as I write, he has nowhere to move to and has made no alternative plans. And, in spite of the niceness, I am pretty sure the lies continue. I’m not sure he will actually really believe this is happening until I move out. It should have been him moving first.

I am waiting for something – but I have no idea what. Something that he is going to say or do, at the last moment. Now, with everything arranged, it does not and cannot change anything. And, perhaps, that is what scares me so much. There is a finality to it all.

I remain polite and try to be friendly. I succeed most of the time. The Final Question was asked and agreed to but it became harder to achieve – but not because I didn’t try. However, it almost seem irrelevant now.

This weekend will be packing, for certain. There are many things where it has not been decided who has what. This must be resolved – and this weekend.

I am also very sad. It hit me, again, whilst I was away. For the first time since I can remember, I had no one to phone/text. Little things, I know but, overriding all that was that no one was waiting for me to come home. It will only be the dogs that keep me sane.

The weekend and other things

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The_weekend_and_other_things

This weekend was spent, mostly, working. My other job that is. To be honest the whole thing should have taken about 2 hours. It took most of Saturday because my websites’ hosters had to do things – but, obviously, only after I’d tried to fix it myself!

And still I can’t make it do what the customer really wants but on this one, other than a fiddly work-around, which really isn’t practical, it looks like there is no way to do it. Damn.

And then there were the accounts to do as Year End has just finished. I found that, in spite of thinking I had been keeping it pretty much up-to-date, I hadn’t. So it took me a little while. Damn again.

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A change in the air?

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change_in_the_air?

I can’t tell you of a phrase that V has often used to describe how he finds talking to people so easy (and I don’t). I mean, I could tell you but, really, I won’t. Even now, I cannot betray him.

That’s what comes of 20 odd years together. I know far, far too much.

However, there seemed, what with the retreat and so-forth, to be a change in the air. For a moment, I was caught up in it and started to believe it. Of course, I am reluctant to move too far forward or too fast and I’m glad I didn’t for it is not true.

Well, it may be true to some extent, but nowhere near true enough for me.

He was saying last year that we were going to get married this year. I always kept quiet at this point, not wanting to burst his bubble in front of others. I keep quiet when he talks about the retreat. I’m not such a bastard but I do want to shout out that it’s all lies, lies, damned lies.

He was an actor (before I met him) and I think he must have been quite good.

Sorry for the lack of posts

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So many things have been happening over the last few days. There have been so many half-written posts that never saw the light of day, having fizzled out, become pointless or just saying nothing. And then, at work and at home, I have been busy.

I am so tired. I feel that I am holding myself together, just. Major events that have been happening include:
An evening with Helena Christensen,
Further disclosures following the weekend of ‘retreat’,
A change to the air of things,
The quotes for the moving.

I felt these should have and, indeed, deserve, posts on their own so as not to make this one too long or unwieldy.

The Final Question – an update.

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I thought some of my regular readers would like to know – I caved in.

We had spent some days emailing each other and, in the end, actually sat down to talk. At the end of that, though I had got no real assurances except V’s word, I agreed to do it.

So, this morning it was (almost) done. There is a chance it won’t work out but at least I have tried. The only thing that may stop it is the fact that I do not have a Carta d’Identita. And, I don’t want one.

Last night I learnt that V’s weekend away was, so he says, a type of retreat. However, he was strangely quiet even though we were out to dinner at a friend’s house. Overall, there was an air of sadness. But he’s a good actor and I’m not entirely convinced.

When we were on our own, at the table, for a moment, he told me that he loved me.

I have two possible reactions to this: a) to take him in my arms and say that everything will be alright or b) to be a little snipey after all that he has put me through in the last four months.

Of course, there would also be the ‘be nice but be firm and stick to your resolve’ reaction, which would have been the correct one and for which one would earn £200 after passing GO!

I chose reaction b). Well, to be honest, I didn’t choose it, it just came out of my mouth and, even as I was saying it I SO wanted to go for reaction a).

The problem is that I then beat myself up about it and think that I am driving the wedge even deeper. Or not? I don’t know. The problem is that, to realise after all this time that, really, he should have not done the things that he did, is not, exactly, late but, well, you can’t expect things to just snap back into place because of the words ‘I love you’, can you?

It certainly is a long and winding road.

Love and Affection.

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I don’t know why. As you have seen from the last couple of posts, as I am writing, some song or other comes into my head and I have to have it in the post. To be honest, given the current situation with You Tube in the UK, I’m not sure that my UK readers can listen/watch them.

However, I realised that my very favourite song of all time had never been posted by me and I thought it was time to right that wrong.

It also was (is) for me, the perfect song for ‘us’.

So, here it is. Enjoy.