Category Archives: General Rambling

For posts that just go on and on and on and on and ……

The Good Things

Posted on by
6

There are, as there always are, many good things happening right now, in spite of some other things that are not so good.

The weather is warmer, in general. Currently it has to be above 25 degrees and, as I am now at home, I have, for the first time this year, got out and am wearing, my sandals. OK so maybe not a big deal to you it is one of ‘those things’ that makes living here such a wonderful dream. To explain (although I may have explained before), in the UK I could wear sandals for only a few days a year – probably some days during June, July or August but hardly ever for more than the actual day, needing to put socks and shoes on in the evening. Although it is too early to be wearing sandals for the evening, it was with great joy that I went into the cupboard and dusted off my favourite sandals and put them on this afternoon. This time of year makes me so happy – knowing that, in a few more weeks just sandals, shorts and a T-shirt will be needed day and night. It makes me feel free and, although I know that is an illusion, it’s a good illusion.

And the reason I am home early is that I went for the results of the test. At first, because they spoke to me in Italian (not realising I didn’t really understand) I thought they had said that something was not good. Me, being me, had gone through the various scenarios before today. I was ready for the bad news even if, in my heart, I didn’t believe there would be any. But, when they realised I hadn’t understood, they told me that every test was fine. They wondered why I had worried and I had to explain (because it was a different doctor) but it was all good. To be honest, I would have been shocked if it had not been fine but it was nice to hear and nice to see it written down. So, thanks for your help, Lola.

And, of course, the other good thing is F. We are becoming more ‘together’ as time goes on, in spite of my previous post. As those of you who read my blog often enough know, I am always full of doubts and uncertainties but even if we don’t seem to talk about anything important, of F I am certain and I thought I should tell you, lest you get the wrong idea.

And now I shall write a post on the current political happenings in the UK – just by way of a change.

I got my own shit to deal with.

Posted on by
4

It is going to be bad news, apparently. Nothing I should worry about but I would be upset if I wasn’t told.

There are three things it could be: money, health or giving up.

Money is too obvious and, anyway, there would be no reason to be upset if I wasn’t told. Giving up and going back to the UK would be another thing that wouldn’t really upset me (although he might think it would). It would be strange though. I mean, we came together on this ‘big adventure’ and it would be cutting some sort of tie (even if we haven’t even emailed each other for over a month).

Health would only upset me because I hate it when other people tell me something and expect me to know. Come to think of it that would be the same for the Giving Up option.

So, yes, it’s better to tell me.

My bet is on health but I shouldn’t be surprised by anything at all! In fact, I should be prepared to hear something unexpected – after all, I no longer know what his life is about, nor do I understand it or him. It could well be something else entirely. We shall see.

But I have my own worries right now so I certainly don’t need his.

Get a grip!

Posted on by
Reply

Still more posts, half-written, not finished, not posted.

Still nothing to say.

But that’s not the real reason. The real reason is something different. I knew it was coming. I’ve known almost since this time last year but I had hoped for something different; an alternative solution. I hoped.

And, as usual, in hoping, I hid it all from myself. And, any time now will be ‘the shock’. The expected shock; the inevitable shock.

And, even if it’s inevitable and expected, it’s still a shock.

But I need to get a grip and actually DO SOMETHING about it. There are things I can do; things I SHOULD do. And I must do for I have no choice now given that the things I was hoping for (vain hopes; stupid hopes) didn’t turn out to be quite as expected. Damn!

I did, however, do the thing that Lola helped me with and on Wednesday I go back. Either it will be a nice birthday or not but I think it will be nice. Now, if it isn’t nice that would be a real shock.

So I can do the one thing but not this other.

Even writing this is not what I should be doing. I should be writing something else.

I need to get a grip!

3 dreams

Posted on by
Reply

Note: This post should have been before the one below and gives some background to the one below.

He phoned about 6.  I asked where he was.  At home.  His home, I asked?  Yes.  To be honest, I was very excited.  Excited about seeing him and being with him again.  I didn’t want to let him go.

But, as is normal for any situation, the anticipation was far better than the actual event.  It wasn’t a disaster merely a little disappointing; a bit of a let down.  We didn’t argue, exactly, but it was, probably, the closest we’ve come to it.  Later, we tried to book the flights for the wedding at the end of July.  Easyjet have stopped the cheap flights to Bristol, it would seem, making it all much more difficult (and expensive).

So, that was a bit of a let down too – because, in the end we didn’t book anything and the internet connection wasn’t working well.

We go to bed and watch a bit of TV.  I rest my head on his chest as his arm is around me.  Eventually (about midnight) we go to sleep.

The problem started (or continued) about 3 a.m.  I woke up.  I woke up because I had had dreams.  Three to be precise.  Then I decided I needed to go to the bathroom.  When I came back I just couldn’t get back to sleep – the dreams haunting me and also the need to have something to drink which, I was hoping, would not be a barrier to me getting back to sleep.

But it was.

Or the dreams were.

Or whatever.

Since it’s been some time since I’ve had ‘bad’ dreams, I thought I would try and tell you now.  But now is too late since I have already forgotten all but one.  Here goes anyway:

Dream 1 was about V.  It was a bad dream but, since I don’t actually remember what happened, I don’t know why.  Given that we’ve been having a sort of text discussion recently where he has been his usual self, I guess that’s the reason for the dream.

Dream 2 was much more memorable or real.  I got an email or a letter from some insurance company telling me that they had paid the hostage money but that there was an excess to pay of €34,000 which they had charged to my credit card.  As this was a dream, we’ll ignore the fact that this would be impossible since the impossible can happen in dreams.  I wasn’t worried (in the dream) as a) the hostages were nothing to do with me and b) how were they going to charge my credit card?

The next thing to happen (in my dream) was that the credit card statement came and, indeed, showed that over €34,000 had been charged.  I was, of course, outraged.  F was there and so was another friend who was a woman and a cross between N and L.  Certainly they were American.

They were on the phone to the card company to try and sort it out but the card company were saying they had valid authorisation and I realised I was stuck between some sort of scam and, being in Italy, the intransigence of Italian bureaucracy – this would take years and I couldn’t just say ‘oh fuck it’ and go back to the UK ‘cos F was there and I wanted to stay.

Dream 3 I can’t remember at all but it was just as bad.

Anyway, after lying there for a bit, being all fidgety and waking F up several times, I decided that the ‘wanting a drink’ thing wasn’t going anywhere and that I should get a drink.  So I get up and get one and sit at the computer and potter about having several cigarettes and feeling bad because the dreams were bad and had put me in a bad mood and because F was sharing my bed it meant that I couldn’t possibly go back there because I would keep waking him up with my restlessness.

However, about 4.40 I realised I could only get another hours worth of sleep and so I went back anyway.  And, you know how it is, once you know you only have one hour left and therefore you try so hard to get to sleep, you find it more impossible to sleep and so, apart from an occasional doze, I stayed awake until the alarm went off.

And at one point, after 4.40, I turned and rested my hand on F’s side and after a few seconds he brushed it away saying that he couldn’t sleep if I touched him and I thought that, sometimes, this is a bit one-sided and I didn’t like that much either.  And so all-in-all a rough evening/night – and I don’t even know why!

And this is why I write here.

Posted on by
4

See, this is why I don’t say anything.  Why I keep my mouth shut but pour out my stupid and illogical thoughts here rather than actually speak them.

F returns today.  He has phoned me at least three times per day and sent numerous texts.  It’s not like he doesn’t miss me, I guess.

I texted him once.  My thinking goes that he will be busy/with family/with friends.  Of course, my real thinking is that he won’t want to talk to me or will have ‘forgotten’ about me.  I missed two calls and called him some minutes later.  And, on both occasions he had to call me back.

Of course, the reasons that I didn’t go with him are possibly many and varied.  First there is the dogs – what to do with them?  Then there is the fact that he hasn’t seen his parents in six months and, to go down with a new ‘friend’ (since they don’t know he’s gay), would have been, shall we say, difficult.  So, maybe he wanted to lay the foundations for the next time, introducing my name.  Maybe it was because he would have had to ‘look after me’ and, after 6 months away, it would all be too hard.  Maybe his parents live in a very small flat and there wouldn’t have been the room without making it all very awkward (since he hadn’t told them he was coming and it was a surprise – the surprise being much greater had I been there too).

And all these reasons are logical and reasonable and I am being too selfish and unreasonable.

And, so, I will say nothing.  At least, nothing directly.  I would prefer if he just told me the real reason why, of course.  But it hasn’t even been six months yet and I should stop expecting it to be like we had been together 6 years!

At least, all these thoughts I keep to myself so that I don’t appear a spoilt, selfish little brat.

And this is why I write here.

Gone

Posted on by
2

He’s gone!

It’s the insecurity, the uncertainty about it all that bothers me.

On the other hand, I get my weekend back – at least this one.

He says he will phone me when he gets there.

I am, at once, disappointed, angry, upset, ………..I can write no more right now.

I think it’s me

Posted on by
5

He sends me a text.  It has a smiley after the sentence as if everything is now OK.  Of course, this was the hurdle and I do understand but, still, its not done and dusted yet.  In three days the result although I shan’t see him until several days afterwards which is, if I am honest, more than a little annoying.

I don’t know what he wants.  He says, last night, by chat, before I went over (I went over because of this morning because he has to be home before an “important event”) that he had to go to his parents because he hadn’t seen them in six months.  I knew.  I have no problem.

Yes, I do.  Even as I write this, I get that clenching in the stomach.  It seems he just won’t let me in to certain parts of his life.  Or maybe its me with the problem?  Yes, probably, that’s it.  We are a couple and not a couple.  At least, as far as I am concerned.

Not a politically correct post but it’s my blog (and it’s the truth).

Posted on by
Reply

We are all equal. We have equal rights to everything, including jobs. There should be no discrimination.

Except that isn’t really true. There are complaints that models are too thin. But, having been to a show, it would be insane to have 20 stone, 5 foot high models. There’s the space, there’s the clothes, there’s the look. I mean, you tend to clean your house if you’re trying to sell it, don’t you. after all, you want it to be seen in the best light possible. In the same way, you can’t have jockeys who are 6 foot tall and weigh 20 stone.

So there are reasons. For people who don’t fit the physical requirements, they may feel discriminated against – and they would, of course, be right. So, should we really complain? And at what point do you draw the line between practicality and true discrimination?

On our flight was a rather larger than normal, uglier than normal, steward/stewardess. Ugliness or beauty is in the eye of the beholder and our idea of beauty does change over generations/centuries. And although it really doesn’t matter a great deal, we all prefer to be served by someone with a pretty face, wouldn’t we?  However that wasn’t really the issue.

The size was more the key. It’s bad enough, when you have an aisle seat to be constantly buffetted by large-assed people going to and fro but to have stewards/esses like this is inconsiderate by the airline and yet, no doubt, they are trying to stay within the regulations regarding employment discrimination.  For me, being in an aisle seat it made the flight more uncomfortable.

For certain this steward/ess ain’t going to be appearing on and advertisements for the airline. It would hardly serve them well in spite of all we may say about discrimination being all wrong.

I wonder what it will take?

Posted on by
Reply

Generally, I have a very positive outlook on life even when, sometimes, it is hard.

But on one thing, I guess, I am a doom-monger.  That is on the general, global economy – or certainly the way the the economy works now.

>This should be interesting reading and, whereas one shouldn’t believe everything (sometimes I think anything, given some of the recent journalistic “stories” put about by the media, them being, whilst not complete fabrication, certainly omitting important facts so as to slew the story in such a way as to make the point a complete fabrication – and I can give you examples if you would like) one reads or hears, there have been, over the last couple of years, enough of these type of stories, almost always buried and never refuted (or not that I’ve seen).

As I was reading this (and the comments below the story), our Engineering Manager came up to me and we talked a little.  He asked if I knew about PIGS.  I replied yes and that it was Portugal, Italy……at which point he stopped me and said that it wasn’t Italy but Ireland. Huh? I mean, there’s being faithful to one’s country and there’s bloody stupidity. He came to tell me it had been replaced by SWINE (Scotland, Wales, Ireland North and England). On that, given what I was reading, I could not add anything other than completely agree with him. I’m really not sure who’s in a worse position – us or them!

It seems that Buzz Lightyear’s (Burlusconi) boast about Italy being in a good position is really believed!  This on the day that there is a General Strike (for various reasons including the crisis) here in Italy.  After that we talked about housing and how the prices were still far too high.  At least he agreed with me on that one – sort of.  But still believing that his money was safer in housing than anything else!  Another colleague really doesn’t believe me when I try to explain that neither he nor I will be retiring at 65 or 67 or 68 or whatever fool age they’ve currently given as the retirement age.

Maybe I am wrong, of course.  I hope so, not that it is important to me one way or another, to be honest.  But still, I really can’t see how the hell this is going to work unless things change.

Sooner or later, the model has to be changed.  And it will cause great pain and hardship unless the people decide on something radical which they won’t because the people in power believe the crap that is coming from the bankers and the like.  No one can see a different way because they are too frightened of losing the power/wealth that they have. No one in power nor those without power.

I wonder what it will take?

Swimming in Glue

Posted on by
2

I don’t know if you’ve ever made Treacle Tart – mixing the Golden Syrup with the breadcrumbs and lemon zest – the ‘treacle’ being so thick it’s difficult to mix and you have to force the spoon through?  Or maybe you’ve been wading through water with a strong current against you?

The phone saga continues.  It seems as if there are about 6 different people dealing with it – and none of them talk to each other.  Then there’s the bank.  Well a branch of the bank that are unable to be part of the same group as another branch of the same group.

And then there’s this computer.  Running so slow as to almost grind to a halt.

And it’s snowing.

And it’s very cold.

On the plus side I’ve watched three episodes of The Tudors (series 3).  It is good but one would think that everything they did at that time revolved around sex – there being naked bodies in every other screenshot.

Last night I went out with A for a couple of beers at the Birrificio – Lambrate where, apparently, they brew their own beer.  I had a couple of nice beers (Porpora) – what they call red beer (a darker bitter rather than the light lager-type that the continent is famous for).  Quite strong but very drinkable.  It’s one of those places where it is better to book a table in advance.  We were lucky and found a table but it was the only table left that had not been booked.  But it is a strange thing – to have to book a table at a pub, don’t you think?

F also texted me to say he had bought me a present.  I’m not sure why or what it is.  He said that he hoped I didn’t already have it.

And today is our mesaversary – well the mesaversary of the day we met (which, to be honest is almost the same as the day we became a couple :-D).

And, someone who is reading this blog thinks that my writing reflects the fact that I am, ahem, gay!  Really, AnaP?  Well, I suppose, to some extent it would but I’m not sure that it makes that much difference.  Although I do note that the people who spend a lot of their time on FB (and, in particular FV) are women or gay.  I wonder if anyone has ever done a survey on that? Not that that particular point has much to do with my style of writing here but I thought it was interesting to note is all.

Anyway, it feels like I’m swimming in glue right now.