I go Christmas Shopping (finally)

Milan is Milan.  It is raining in the way that I have only really experienced here.  Heavy, wet, miserable.

And, yet, it’s not for me.  There is a sea of waving umbrellas.  Waving because as the people move to and fro, they have to move their umbrellas.  The rain is unforgiving.  I move through the people with a lot of serenity.  I have decided that THIS, this moment, this time, is the best for Christmas.  I left the house at 5 p.m.  The streets are crowded but not too bad.  Partly it is the weather, partly because, this evening is the big dinner for the Italians, so what the hell would they be doing out of their house except to be getting ready to go or actually going to friends or relatives?

We, too, shall be going to friends for dinner.  It is R’s birthday.

I don’t know them well enough and, so, have made his favourite English desert – Lemon Meringue Pie – as a kind of present (although F & I are giving him something, as a joint present, chosen by F, of course).  I started to get everything ready earlier.  And then I realised I had a small problem.  I had no scales.  No means of weighing anything!  And, for me, I can only do recipes with exact measurements.

>But I had no time to go and find scales and so I guessed.  It seems OK, but I really hope it is.  We shall see and I shall let you know.  It’s the pastry that worries me the most.  And that is usually something I do really well.

So, back to where I was.  In Corso Buenos Aires, with only the vaguest of ideas as to what to buy my loved one, who I have not known for long enough to be able to get certain things.  I walk, calmly up the street.  Not hurrying but not idling either. The rain, straight down, as Milan rain is.

My first shop is a disaster.  I thought they would have scented candles but, no!  Still, I have about an hour.  I should be able to find the stuff I need in that time.

I love it.  The place is almost busy but the tills are almost empty.  It’s a fabulous time to be doing Christmas shopping.  I thought it was only for V because V was easy and I could walk into shops and know, within seconds, if there was anything that was suitable.  But I find that this is not so difficult.  I am limited only in what I can buy, but what I can buy there is enough of and so choosing is not so difficult.

I find everything that I had thought of whilst walking.  They’re not big things and some are not at all expensive (downright cheap, actually) but perfect – or, as perfect as they can be.

I am happy.  It is the only bit of Christmas shopping I have done but I think I might do this every year!

I go to the supermarket for (I think) one last thing.  F calls me.  He wants to change the arrangements.  He thinks (and he is right) it will be easier to stay at mine tonight.  That’s what we’re going to do.  This makes it easier for me and gives me this chance to enjoy a hot cup of Tetley’s tea before showering and getting ready.  On the way back from the supermarket I go, on the off chance, to a shop to buy the perfect, small, irrelevant but perfect gift.  Yep, this was the best way of shopping for Christmas.  And without any stress or hassle.

I have to wrap the presents in a moment but that won’t take long either.  I hope he likes the things even if some of them are quite stupid.  Still, they were bought with love.

I have decided I will call V tomorrow.  Just to wish him Happy Christmas after our exchange of emails today.  I think I owe him that.  And, maybe, to find out how his Yorkshire Puddings turned out – I had sent the recipe by email, since I have the cookbook it was in.

But that is an aside, since, really, this Christmas belongs to F.  Well, for me anyway.  And, I very much hope, for him too.

A new life and a new forever.

“I really miss you”, he says through the sobs.

Part of me wants to say that he wouldn’t be here, in this place, if he hadn’t wanted something else.  It makes me angry.  Part of me just wants to go to his place and give him a big hug and tell him that everything will be alright – even if it’s not with me.  But the other side, the angry side, thinks that he threw away 20 years – and for what?

I go to the bedroom.  F is lying on the bed.  I feel guilty for having been talking to V.  Especially as F will probably realise who I am talking to.  I say nothing about the phone call.  It’s as if it has never happened.  Yes, he knows.  But I am here with him.  I give him a kiss.  I love him, now, not V.  Well, I love V too – after 20 years how can I not?  But F is the one that I love with passion, with that heart-stopping love.

I, too, regret that, the last Christmas, as the song goes, he broke my heart and so this Christmas, I’ve given it to someone special.  But this Christmas is already great and wonderful and full of love.

V had called because he wanted to hear me because he and Ig had broken up.  I feel so bad for him but you can’t go back.  He can’t go back.  I’ve already moved forward and we’re now on different roads.  And that is life.  Or, rather, that is the life he chose to make.  For without Turin a few years back and events after that, he wouldn’t have to be missing me at all.  And, I’m sorry for that but in an arm’s length kind of way.

Sorry for him and sorry for the life we had, which I thought was forever.  But now I have a new life and a new forever.

Last Christmas – Wham!

And, in case I don’t get to write another post, I wish you all a very Happy Christmas.  Enjoy and have fun and may you all be as lucky as me, now, and in the future.