I wonder why I’m here. By this I meant, originally, why I’m here, in this meeting, where they are talking in two foreign languages – the first being Italian and the second being engineering, which is as foreign a language to me as any other, proper, language.

But after what F said last night, I even begin to question this in a bigger way; making it a bigger, broader question.

Why am I here, in this place, at this time? For what purpose? What am I here to achieve? Or, if not for me to achieve, for someone else to achieve, through me, perhaps, maybe, kind of?

I am an ‘all or nothing’ guy. Perhaps. Maybe.

Or, perhaps not. Given a choice or, rather, given no choice, perhaps I would settle for less than ‘all’ but more than ‘nothing’, if less than ‘all’ were the only thing on offer. But, even if less than ‘all’ were the only offer, would I just go with less than ‘all’, convincing myself throughout that this ‘less’ could be turned into ‘all’ in time?
Am I, or would I be, deluding myself?

At what point would I wake up to the reality? The one where I know or come to know that ‘all’ will just not happen.  At that point, what will I do then?  Will the time in between now and then be too long?  Will it have been a waste of time?

I want to say ‘Tonight I’m not going to come over’. I want to say it but the actual thing (i.e. not going over) is NOT what I really want, of course. I only want to say it for effect – to effect some change, some uncertainty. To give back what I felt; what I feel, what I still feel.  Uncertainty. Change. Fear.

But that’s just ‘playing those games’ and I swore I wouldn’t do that this time; I don’t want that this time; I have no time for that this time. Time is short – and none of us need this; neither of us need this.

And so, whilst listening to the two foreign languages and the games that are, almost certainly, being played out in this very room, I contemplate the right response; the one that won’t leave me too vulnerable, won’t limit my choices, won’t need me to go back on my word, won’t add to the pressure but also the one that gives me the ‘all’ I crave.

Or, maybe, gives me the ‘something’ that is, surely, better than the ‘nothing’ it could be. Or is it?

So, I toy with the options.  There’s the being upfront and honest option.  There’s the saying nothing and just getting on with it option.  And there’s the response option‚  I prefer the first or the second.  But the second will make me continue to feel as I do, not unhappy but unsure……….and frightened.  Frightened of what may not be or, maybe, what may be, especially if it doesn’t come close to what I actually want; or do I mean ‘need’.

I don’t think I can do the response option since that opens up the game and I definitely don’t want that.

He had a dream last night, where something had changed and his boss was not happy with the result but did not tell him directly but, rather, told someone else.  He said that this was typical English.  Where we are so polite but don’t actually tell the truth to people face-to-face.

I said that we weren’t all like that.  But, of course, we are.  He said that we were, meaning most English people were. But it’s not just the English but the Italians too!  Although perhaps the English are more practised at it and, therefore, appear to be much better.

If I am to prove that I am not like that, I guess I have to chose the upfront and honest option.  Say it like it is.  Roll over with my belly exposed and hope, yes, very much hope, that it is the right thing to do.

Update: We text.  He phones.  Is everything as it was before?  For him, maybe.  For me, well, yes and no.  Yes because nothing has really changed and no because the future has changed.  But, as I listen to his voice I remember looking at his face this morning, just before I got up and thinking how much I love him.  And, maybe, that ‘less’ is worth it after all?