Monthly Archives: March 2010

Off the Boil

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I am angry.  No, not just angry – absolutely furious.

OK, not now or, at least, not so bad but I was.  The thing is, I don’t really know why.  There was no obvious reason.  I woke up angry, was angry all day and went to bed angry.  To be honest, it felt like there was something wrong with me.  The worst was Saturday night/Sunday morning.  True, my ‘cold’ was dreadful or, at least, it sounded dreadful but it wasn’t that.  Or, it wasn’t only that.

On Sunday morning, as I took the dogs out, I was muttering to myself, asking myself why I was angry; amazed at how angry I felt inside.  I thought: ‘this is what it must be like to go insane’.  There was no sanity in the anger.  I realised that it had been around for several days and that some people had taken some of it by saying a wrong word or making a wrong gesture.

I thought perhaps it was the cold; or maybe because I was so tired; or maybe I was mentally insane.  I managed to keep it from F, thank goodness.

I write about it now because it has abated, if not entirely gone away.  I certainly feel ‘better’ even if the ‘cold’ is still with me; even if F is away all week in Germany; even if I do have to go to a Northern Country next week when I really don’t want to (and I have still to find a solution for the dogs); even if the weather has turned cold and wintry again; even if I am pissed off about certain things and towards certain people; even if ………….

But now I feel better.  And now (since I started writing this) I have booked the flights for next week and found out that my bank will offer me huge amounts of money in loans (has nothing changed in the last 18 months after all?) which I don’t want but may need if certain things occur (but the madness flowing through the world seems unstaunched) and so, suddenly, I seem happier.

And, the saga with my mobile phone continues.  Normally, in Italy, one expects to make two trips to sort anything out.  The first – you are armed with every sort of document that you may need and the second is for handing over the document that you never knew existed.  So far I have been to the TIM shop 6 times since the problem with the Direct Debit and the wish by TIM to charge me an extra €166 (for a €50 per month plan) started.  However, it may almost be sorted.  We may hope.

Still, the phone itself is great and the whole thing is much more pleasant than dealing with 3 who, to me, are magic only in their incompetence.

Governing by ‘The Lynch Mob’ rules

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The olde worlde Wilde Wilde West!  How great that must have been.  Unless, of course, you were either innocent and incorrectly suspected of some foul deed or stitched up by someone.

In those days the lynch mob ruled.

Nowadays we don’t have that, do we?  Of course not, you may say, huffing and puffing as well as saying it.  I mean, the lynch mob would get told or decide amongst themselves that someone was guilty and then go hounding them until they found them and then, well, lynched them.  Nowadays we are much more civilised, aren’t we?

And yet, reading the last few days about this (and, if you read it it’s almost at the end now) reminds me so much of the lynch mob mentality even if the person was guilty of something about 17 years ago.

So, there’s this child who did some really terrible thing when he was 10, so terrible that, in order for him to live a life, any sort of life, when he leaves prison, must take on a secret identity.  But what he has done and the time that he spent in prison would have an effect on the rest of his life forever, let alone having to live with a ‘secret identity’.

Unsurprisingly, in my view, he had a drug habit and, given that he was in prison at 11 or 12, was probably a bit of a hard-nut.  And now he has been taken back to prison for some breach of the conditions.  What shocked me was the daily (almost hourly) call for the public to know why.

The only thing I wonder is……………is this the public who ‘need’ to know or the media who ‘need’ to tell the public.

Either way, this was lynch mob mentality.

And, what worries me more is that now, according to the article I linked to, Jack Straw is considering what else he may tell ‘the public’.

You have just got to be joking, Mr Straw!  Jack Straw should stick to the original script and not say a word.  Those baying for blood should continue their baying.  Does Jack Straw think that, on giving further information, the baying will cease?

To be honest I’m not even sure it was necessary for the public to know that the guy was returned to prison but certainly there is no need to know why.  What purpose would it possibly serve?

Sure, there does need to be checks on the authorities to make sure they are doing their jobs correctly but this ‘baying for blood’ that seems to have invaded our lives is not acceptable.

The Government seem to have lost their way if they really think that bowing to the public (or is it media?) demands is the correct way to govern a country/nation.  I know I’ve said it before but, really, enough!

Going with the flow

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In my head, I am firm and resolute.

F hasn’t been sleeping well and I snore and when it gets too much he has to stop me.  He has tried many things.  If he snores I only have to kiss him for him to stop.  He’s tried that with me but, apparently, that and many other things, don’t work.  He has to wake me.

And I’ve been feeling a bit under the weather.  It’s like ‘flu but I think it’s down to not enough sleep.  From my whole life of going to bed about 10 or 10.30 or, at a push, 11 (since I get up at 5 something), I am now never in bed before 11 and, amongst other side effects, I think it’s making me look older.  Someone likened me to Tommy Lee Jones the other day, so you get what I mean (not that being likened to TLJ is a terrible thing, IMO).

And, so, after Tuesday night I resolved that I would sleep in my own bed.  But when we spoke and he asked if I was coming round I said ‘yes’, of course.  Wednesday, after feeling so grotty most of the day, I told myself that I would definitely sleep in my own bed.  And, I said to myself, whatever he says, say that you want to make sure he sleeps well and you don’t want to wake him or keep him awake.  But, again, as soon as he asked if I was going round the answer that came out was ‘yes’.

Last night we went to see Alice in Wonderland.  After, we are walking back to our area (about 10 minutes).  I didn’t mention anything.  He says that he hopes to sleep better tonight.  I sympathise and say that maybe I should stay at mine tonight.  He says that he can come

No, it’s better that you sleep on your own.

Those are the words that should have come out of my mouth.  Instead, I say “If you’re sure”.

Of course, earlier, he had phoned.  “Be at Arcobaleno [the cinema in Viale Tunisia] at 7.30.  We’re going to see Alice in Wonderland”.  I had, previously decided that, when he phoned or came on line I would tell him that I was going to bed very early tonight.  Of course, when he actually phones, I say “OK, I’ll be there”.

And I don’t regret that.  Nor am I sorry that he spent the night at mine last night and the several times I woke up with him spooning me, all warm and comfortable and nice and reassuring.  OK so I got to bed after 11 but I’m not seeing him tonight (he’s going to the theatre with some friends) and so I think that this will be almost the last night (before he goes away for a whole week) and I need to have him close to me.  It’s my need but I think it’s also his.  I mean, if I was really keeping him awake he wouldn’t come, right?  Well, I’m sure he wouldn’t.  Or, is his need to be with me the same as mine to be with him?  Hmmm.  Maybe.

And the reason we went to Alice In Wonderland was because his colleague got us tickets.  F & I went for a beer first at one of the gay bars (Mono) nearby.  Then met up with his colleague and her husband and son in front of the cinema.  OK, it is a good film but Tim Burton is in danger of getting a bit ‘samey’.  But I need to see it in English as I missed some of the (probably) more subtle bits of the film.  The 3-D effects were good in parts (the smoke, falling leaves, flying things – where they really seemed to be coming out of the screen) but the rest was not really necessary and didn’t really add anything to the film.  I wonder if the cost of making the film in 3-D will outweigh the returns and it will have a short shelf-life?

Anyway, back to the purpose of this post, which is to say that, in spite of my logical, calculating side knowing that I should say no, when I speak to him or am with him, it’s impossible to do anything other than agree to whatever he suggests.  It kinda makes me angry (with myself) but then, again, I think- why not?  After all, we only get the one life and fighting against the tide is pointless when, in reality, you just want to go with the flow :-D

And, it’s not as if he is fighting against it that much either!

I am so fortunate

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“And we have to go to Vienna in April.  To party and for the funeral.”

“If you want to come”, he adds.

It may seem incongruous – party and funeral in the same sentence but I totally understand.  I question only why it is such a long time away.  He doesn’t know.  I try to explain that, perhaps, rather than a funeral it is a memorial service.  He says no but I think this is definitely lost in translation.  Surely you can’t have the funeral over a month after the death?

B had asked before that what we were intending to do for Easter.  Someone else had asked me before that, during the day.  I said, as I had said earlier, that we hadn’t talked about it.

“I might have to go to my parents'”, he says.

As I do, I said “OK”, not asking if I could come but wanting to.  I curb my tongue all the time.  My head say ‘Don’t Assume Anything’ and so I keep silent.

“You can come, if you like”, he adds.  Of course, what I want to say is something like ‘Of course I want to come.  Wild horses nor the devil himself couldn’t keep me from coming’.

“That would be nice”, I actually say, “but what about the dogs?  Can they come too?”.  He thinks about it.  “Yes, they can come too”.  It will be a family trip :-D

Of course, it may not happen.  I know that.  But it’s the thought that’s nice.  And, when I told a colleague this morning, she made the comment that I was going to be ‘introduced’ which, of course, I would be.  Not as his boyfriend or partner but just as his friend.  Just like his ex was, who, I found out when I met S the other week, still sends Christmas cards to them and they still ask after him.  But they don’t ‘know’.  He’s told me why and that’s OK.  I suspect they know but not asking directly means that nothing is confirmed and everyone lives in their cosy world without the need to ‘know’ everything.  Hey, this is his family and how he handles it is up to him just as how I handle mine is up to me.

“Was it love at first sight?”, B had asked, earlier still.  No, it wasn’t ‘love’.  He said that it wasn’t for him.  I didn’t think it was but when B had been asking about how we got together, it became a bit of a blur and I could only remember certain things.  And, so, I’m reading over the posts I wrote at that time.  This blogging thing is really useful :-D.

And, no, it wasn’t ‘love’ at first sight.  But it was something.  I had forgotten that he didn’t kiss other guys, generally, he had said, and certainly not on the first date.  And, yet, he had come over to me and kissed me.  He said, last night, that it was after several glasses of wine.  Well, a couple maybe.  But there must have been something, even for him.  I know I was confused as to how I felt (having read my entries) but it quickly developed into knowing the something; of having the Karl Spark.

He is sweet and I adore him.  I had texted him with B & my last minute plans for a meal and asked if he could come.  I said I would understand if he couldn’t.  He phoned me and we were already in the restaurant and on our starter.  He said he had just finished work and was tired.  I said that I understood and it was no problem but it would be nice if he could come.  He said he would come.

I know that he did it for me and for him.  For me because he knows how important B is to me and how I always am ready to meet the people he wants me to meet and also for him because I have spoken of B often and he wants to meet my friends.  He wants to see N&S before they leave too.  As soon as he finishes his trips (next week and the week after), perhaps?

And, yes, it curtailed our (B and my) conversation a bit.  But I did so want them to meet.

And then he came back to mine  He went to bed and was asleep before I got to bed, as he hasn’t slept well in the last couple of nights.  He got up late (10.30) but at least he slept a bit last night even if he did wake up in the night.  I woke up at 4 because my alarm went off.  Actually, it didn’t go off, messages came through and I had forgotten to change the phone to phone only.  And so, partly because of that and partly because the phone light was flashing, warning me that it was on a very low battery, and I always worry about not being woken up by the alarm, I found it difficult to return to sleep and, instead, I watched him and listened to his snoring and loved him even if, because he was too hot and so was I, we didn’t touch.  So, because of the snoring, I knew he slept some.

And, this morning, as I left him, he was asleep again, and I kissed him on his forehead and, unusually, he didn’t wake and, instead, we chatted through Facebook when he got up.

And I said that B had said he was lovely and asked about us going to Rome and he was all for it (in the same way that he was all for going to Pallanza) and I said that we would go after Carrara and Vienna and he said OK, that would be good.

And, reading back on my blog entries I realise that, although maybe not love at first sight, it was certainly something and almost at first sight and I realise again that I am so fortunate to have found him.

Explanation not required nor desired?

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Well, what was I supposed to do?

He was complaining about last night.  I didn’t give him the support.  WTF?  I mean, I couldn’t hug him (his shoulder was so bad and he wouldn’t let me hug him), I couldn’t really say anything (what is there to say with news like he had).  What the hell did he want?

“But you had a bad shoulder”, I replied.  “How the hell could I comfort you?”, I asked.

He hadn’t phoned me because he had been annoyed with me.  But, really.  There was nothing I could do.

Of course, after a little while I had started to get a bit worried.

“And, anyway, I can’t see into your brain; can’t know what you’re thinking”.  It almost sounded like whining.  I kicked myself but I wasn’t going to give in on this one.  He wants support (which I’ve been doing) and then, when I don’t do something that he thinks I should, he complains.  I mean, we haven’t been together that long that I can just work everything out.

It’s more like being with a woman!

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Actually, of course, almost none of that happened.  It just went through my head.  Soon after it went through my head, I did what I usually do which is worry about him and be concerned about how he was feeling whilst resisting the almost unbelievable urge to call him.

Then he texted and I was sooooooo relieved that we didn’t have any of that conversation at all.  And he wasn’t angry with me.  And he didn’t think that I didn’t support him.  And I hadn’t done anything ‘wrong’ nor misunderstood anything.

All was well, apart from his shoulder and the fact that he had had no sleep.  We slept apart last night.  He explained that, if he stayed awake like the night before, he might want to put the television on or go and sit at the computer and he wouldn’t be able to do that if I were there because I ‘need your rest as you have to get up so early’.  He thinks about me too and considers my needs.

As I say often (to him), there’s no need to explain.  I usually add that there’s no need to say sorry, either.

But, of course, there is.  But it’s just for confirmation, of course.  And to stop the things in my head becoming real – to stop me giving voice to them.  So, my biggest problem here is myself.

I have no words.

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It’s the way of things.

You miss, most, those things when they are irretrievable; when they are lost forever.

I say ‘those things’ but I also mean ‘those people’.

Worse, still, is when those people disappear from our lives unexpectedly, without warning, without the chance to say goodbye.  And, yet worse, is when those people take their own lives.

I don’t know about you but haven’t we all had moments in our lives when, for a brief few minutes or hours or days, it seemed that the solution to it all, all the problems and the hurt and the terribleness of life, the solution seemed to be to end this life; to not be?

The first funeral I remember attending was for St.  St was 21 or so and had been with D for a couple of years and we (M & I) were close friends with them.  We didn’t understand why.  Well, I say that.  In fact, unknown to me at the time, M had spoken to him that very day but I only found out about that later.

St got in the car with their dog in the garage and used a hose from the exhaust.

Later (but much later) D explained that the worst time was, actually, some time after the funeral when people stopped calling, stopped coming, stopped including him.

But still, I couldn’t quite grasp why St had done this.  I think M had a better idea but if he did, I don’t believe he ever told me.  I don’t know that D ever really knew or understood.

I wonder still, having never quite been there, how everything can look so bad that ending it all seems the only way out?  I see, this morning, the lady tramp, who sleeps on the benches where I take the dogs.  She, if anyone can, has reason to think that life is not really worth living.  And yet she is still there.  So why doesn’t she think that life is over and yet St felt that he couldn’t go on?

But we can never see inside someone else’s head, can we?  And we can never be that person or, even, put ourselves in their shoes.  Not really.

And you may wonder why I write this post.  Not enough that a very dear friend from the past did this nor that a very dear friend from the present attempted this but, last night, a dear friend of F succeeded in ending his life.

I had no words.  I didn’t know the guy but F had spoken of him a few times and he was a close friend.  He had texted him that very morning.  They called each other ‘sister’ and that was the word that he texted.  I couldn’t really give F the comfort he wanted or needed, not least because his shoulder was so bad I couldn’t hug him and hold him close.  He stayed awake all night.  I’m not sure that was all about the shoulder.

And it led me to thinking about a dear friend who may not have been here now – but is and for that I am grateful.

Someone said to F that G (the guy that committed suicide yesterday) was courageous (he jumped out of a 6th floor window).  And I see her point although there is also a selfishness about committing suicide and, unfortunately, a cowardice about it too.  Of course, the selfishness and cowardice are for the living to bear and not the dead.

But bear it we must.  And there was a song that some of you may remember.  But the title is not true, at least not for those left behind.

But last night made me think of St, all that time ago and the other dear, dear friend who is still with us and how things might be different (in both cases). And I want to scream at them that suicide is not painless. Not for those left behind and there is always someone left behind.

And, through all the thoughts my stomach churns for it makes me scared.  Of what, I am not sure.  Perhaps the recent incident with my dear, dear friend makes me realise how close it was and how it could have been and I wonder how I would be about it.  And it brings me close to tears.  Tears for St, tears for G (even if I didn’t know him), tears for D, tears for F (who has the last text) and tears for my dear, dear friend.

Tears because it is so hard to understand how anything could possibly be so bad that ending your life seems the solution and more for the people left behind, who will never quite comprehend what has been done.

And so I text my dear, dear friend as I don’t want the last text to be a single word.

I will stop this post now.  As I said to F, last night, I have no words………..