Perhaps this will help?

There’s Boy George, who, whilst in prison, has “found himself”. There’s Lola who seems to be in that process. And, then there’s me.

It’s difficult to explain. I’ve said (somewhere, at various times) that this blog is my own process of finding myself but that’s not actually true. I know exactly where I am; exactly what I am. This blog explores some of that and permits me to organise my thinking on it in a more logical way, allowing me to make conclusions and decisions based on what I find. I think it is better defined, not as me looking for myself but, rather, for me looking for a way in which me, as the person I am, can come to terms with the world around me and, also, for this world to realise who I am.

There’s a lot of ‘I’ in that. Perhaps, though, I have it wrong. Perhaps I should be reading the book that Boy George did or perhaps this follow up and, perhaps this is what it’s really all about.

I love the idea of the ‘Pain Body’ – that is (from my understanding), the part of you that holds and keeps safe all the emotional pain throughout your life. This all makes sense. In the same way that you don’t tend to put your hand in a candle flame more than once, you tend to shy away from things that have caused you any emotional pain or stress. As human beings we ‘learn’ through our experiences. But our experiences also hinder us from doing things that, maybe, we should do.

I also, particularly like Echart Tolle’s suggestion that accepting the present is the way forward, for this is what I try to do anyway. In fact, Wiki’s description of the final chapter of A New Earth, seems perfect (for me) as I’m already partly there (although, maybe, only a very tiny part).

‘Tolle’ explains the several ways to finding a more peaceful way to live. There are three stages in the inner consciousness of an individual. The three stages are acceptance, enjoyment, and enthusiasm. Acceptance is when you may not enjoy what you are doing but you have to be able to accept it. This is essentially being able to take responsibility in your life and to take action with certain things that are not enjoyable at all and to find peace within these activities. Enjoyment is the next modality and it is being able to make the present moment a pivotal part of your life. This doesn’t mean that if you want to do something that you will find enjoyment in it. It means that with everything you do that you need to enjoy it in the present; you can’t let the moments pass you by or tell yourself you will enjoy something in the near future. The final modality of the inner consciousness is enthusiasm. Enthusiasm entails that there is a deeper enjoyment in the actions you do and being able to work towards a final goal, with a sense of urgency, but without stress.

Hmm. Perhaps these should be my next two books to read?

On being uncomfortable.

“I’m worried that it will be uncomfortable for them”, he says.

Yes, I can see that he’s worried but I wonder if the ‘uncomfortableness’ won’t really be his.  It isn’t about explaining who I am since no explanation will (probably) be necessary.  No, it’s the fact that I would be there.

“Do what you feel in your heart”, I say.  He feels like I shouldn’t go.  I tell him that that is what he really feels (for he won’t say it). He agrees. “Then I won’t go.  It’s not a problem”.  And it isn’t.  And I understand.  After all, I didn’t go and see V’s parents when we went over to the UK for almost the same reason.  My thought was ‘What do I do with F’.  The choices were to leave him for a few hours (but that was unfair) or take him but I felt that was unfair on both him and them and so I avoided it and didn’t go.

So, I really do understand and I really don’t mind.

So, tonight, he will be going out with them. They want to eat fish. I think he was genuinely unhappy that I wasn’t going to be there. He, at one point, said he would phone S to see what he thought. I’m sure S would have said to take me – but I know that, even then, he would have been concerned.

It makes me think that this was one of the reasons it took so long to go down and see his family. Maybe he thought it would become difficult. As it was, me being on my best behaviour and all, it was all easy. As this would be too – but he has to have the confidence in me that would permit him to take me anywhere and meet anyone. He will learn and it will all be OK in the end and, at the end of the day, however nice they may be, I don’t actually need to meet the ex-parents-in-law :-).

UPDATE: Sometime later in the afternoon.

He’s taken the ‘babies’ for a wash and brush up.  He phones me to tell me that I will be angry with him for they have shaved Rufus’ head (well, his snout, actually).  He is worried.  I say it’s fine but I want pictures.  He doesn’t want to do that.

Then I get an email of photos.

We exchange emails.

Then he says – ‘We are going to a new restaurant tonight – Al Griglia’.  This is with his ex-parents-in-law.  I reply saying that I’m sure it will be nice.  I add; Will I see you tonight before you go or are you coming back to my place?’

He replies that he will bring the babies back home to mine about 6.30 (they are in the office with him), then go and get ready and then I can come to his and we go from there.

I am, a little, surprised.  I thought we had agreed that I wouldn’t be coming.  I say so.  He says no, I am coming too.  It’s difficult to explain that, even though this is all by email, he seems happier about it all – or maybe that’s just my projection.  Or maybe it’s because I really didn’t mind and was so understanding, last night?  Or he has spoken to S?

What is quite funny is that he doesn’t say or ask me directly – just puts in an email that I should come to his place at 8.30 and we would go from there!  He makes me laugh and that’s one of the reasons I love him so.  More exciting than anything else is the new restaurant.  I’ve checked on the Internet and they do fish and meat (yay!).  It seems it is a Sardinian restaurant.  I will let you know.